Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (325-360)

My hands are dirty, then.

How so?

Because I am playing with dirt.

A mischief on your head.

Nay rather, Sceledrus, it shall be on yours, I promise you, unless you change for fresh your eyes and your talk. But our door made a noise.

Well, I shall watch here out of doors, for there is no way by which she can pass hence in-doors, except through the front door.

But there she is, at home. I don’t know, Scledrus, what mischief is possessing you.

I see for my own self, I judge for my own self, I have especial faith in my own self: no man shall frighten me out of it, but that she is in that house. (Points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.) Here I’ll take my stand, that she may not steal out home without my knowledge.

This fellow is in my hands; now will I drive him from his strong hold.

(To SCLEDRUS) Do you wish me now to make you own that you don’t see correctly?

Come, do it then.

And that you neither think aright in your mind, nor yet make use of your eyes?

I’d have you do it.

Do you say, then that the lady of your master is there in that house?

I assert, as well, that I saw here here in this house (points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS), toying with a strange man.

don’t you know that there is no communication between our house here and that one?

I know it.

Neither by the terrace[*], nor by the garden, only through the skylight?

I know it.

What then, if she is now at home? If I shall make her, so as you may see her,come out hence from our house, are you not deserving of many a lashing?

I am so deserving.

Watch that door, then, that she may not privily betake herself out thence without your knowledge and pass here into our house.

’Tis my intention to do so.

Upon her feet[*] will I place her this moment here before you in the street.

Come, then, and do so.

I wish to know whether I did see that which I did see,[*] or whether he can do that which he says he can do — make her to be at home. For, really, I have eyes of my own, and I don’t ever ask to borrow them out of doors. But this fellow is forever fawning about her; he is always near her; he is called first to meat; his mess is given[*] to him first.

For this fellow has been, perhaps, about three years with us; nor fares it better with any other servant in our family than with him. But it is necessary for me to mind what I am about; to keep my eye upon this door. If I take my station here, this way, in faith, I warrant they will never impose on me.

Be sure to remember my instructions.

It’s strange you should so often remind me.

But I fear you may not prove cunning enough.

Give me even ten scholars, though far from artful, I could instruct them so as to prove artful; in me alone is there a superabundance of artfulness;

come, then, now put your plans in force; I’ll step aside here.

What have you to say, Scledrus?

I’m about this business of mine; I have got ears, say what you please.

I think that in that self-same position[*] you will have to die outside the gates,

when, with hands outstretched, you will be carrying your cross.