Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (303b-330)

I’ll wait here for you.

In this direction will I be on the watch for her,[*] how soon the heifer may betake herself from the pasture this way towards her stall.

What now shall I do? The Captain gave me to her as her keeper. Now, if I make a discovery, I’m undone; if I am silent, still I am undone, if this should be discovered. What is there more abandoned or more daring than a woman? While I was upon the tiles, this woman betook herself out of doors from her dwelling. By my troth, ’twas a brazen act she did. If, now, the Captain were to know of this,

i’ faith, I believe he would pull down the whole entire house next door, and me he would send to the gibbet.[*] Whatever comes of it, i’ faith, I’ll hold my tongue rather than come to a bad end. I cannot keep effectual guard on a woman that puts herself up for sale.

Sceledrus, Sceledrus, what one man is there on earth more impudent than yourself? Who more than yourself has been born with the Deities hostile and enraged?

What’s the matter?

Do you want those eyes of yours gouged out, with which you see what never existed?

How, what never existed?

I would not buy your life at the price of a rotten nut.

Why, what’s the matter?

What’s the matter, do you ask?

And why shouldn’t I ask?

Why don’t you beg for that tongue of yours to be cut out, that prates so at random?

Why should I beg for that?

Why, Philocomasium is there at home, she whom

you were saying that you had seen next door kissing and toying with another man.

’Tis a wonder that you are in the habit of feeding on darnel[*], with wheat at so low a price.

Why so?

Because you are so dim of sight.

You gallows-bird, ’tis you, indeed, that are blind, with a vengeance, and not dim of sight; for, sure enough, there she is at home.

How? At home?

At home, i’ faith, undoubtedly.

Be off with you; you are playing with me, Palaestrio

My hands are dirty, then.

How so?

Because I am playing with dirt.

A mischief on your head.

Nay rather, Sceledrus, it shall be on yours, I promise you, unless you change for fresh your eyes and your talk. But our door made a noise.

Well, I shall watch here out of doors, for there is no way by which she can pass hence in-doors, except through the front door.

But there she is, at home. I don’t know, Scledrus, what mischief is possessing you.