Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (232b-277b)

But, friend, do you impart to me the plan which you have devised.

Be silent, then, while I am inducting you in the direction of my devices; that you may know as well as my own self my plans.

The same you shall receive safe from the same spot where you have deposited them.

My master is surrounded with the hide of an elephant, not his own, and has no more wisdom than a stone.

I myself know the same thing.

Now, thus I would begin upon my plan; this contrivance I shall act upon. I shall say that her other own twin-sister has come here from Athens, with a certain person, her lover, to Philocomasium,

as like to her as milk is to milk. I shall say that they are lodged and entertained here in your house.

Bravo! bravo! cleverly thought of. I approve or your device.

So that, if my fellow-servant should accuse her before the Captain, and say that he has seen her here at your house, toying with another man, I shall assert, on the other hand, that my fellow-servant has seen the other one, the sister, at your house,

fondling and toying with her own lover.

Aye, most excellent. I’ll say the same, if the Captain shall inquire of me.

But do you say that they are extremely alike; and this must be imparted in time to Philocomasium, in order that she may know; that she mayn’t be tripping if the Captain should question her.

A very clever contrivance. But if the Captain should wish to see them both in company together,

what shall we do then?

That’s easy enough. Three hundred excuses may be picked up—she is not at home; she has gone out walking; she is asleep; she is dressing; she is bathing; she is at breakfast[*]; she is taking dessert[*]; she is engaged; she is enjoying her rest[*]; in fact, she can’t come. There are as many of these put-offs as you like, if I can only persuade him at the very outset to believe that to be true which shall be contrived.

I like what you say.

Go in-doors then; and if the damsel’s there, bid her return home directly, and instruct and tutor her thoroughly in this plan, that she may understand our scheme, as we have begun it, about the twin-sister.

I’ll have her right cleverly tutor’d for you. Is there anything else?

Only, be off in-doors.

I’m off.

And I’ll go home, too;

and I’ll conceal the fact that I am giving her my aid in seeking out the man, which fellow-servant of mine it was, that to-day was following the monkey. For it cannot be but in his conversation he must have made some one of the household acquainted about the lady of his master, how that he himself has seen her next door here toying with some stranger spark.

I know the habit myself; I can’t hold my tongue on that which I know alone. If I find out the person who saw it, I’ll plant against him all my mantelets[*] and covered works. The material is prepared; ’tis a sure matter that I must take this person by force, and by thus besieging him. If so I don’t find the man, just like a hound I’ll go smelling about, even until I shall have traced out the fox by his track.

But our door makes a noise: I’ll lower my voice; for here is the keeper of Philocomasium, my fellow-servant, coming out of doors.

Unless, in fact, I have been walking this day in my sleep upon the tiles, i’ faith, I know for sure that I have seen here, at our neighbour’s next door, Philocomasium, the lady of my master, on the high road[*] to mischief to herself.

’Twas he that saw her billing, so far as I have heard him say.

Who’s that?

Your fellow-servant. How are you, Sceledrus?

I am glad that I have met you, Palaestrio.

What now? Or what’s the matter? Let me know.