Menaechmi, or The Twin Brothers (423-473)

I’m neither going to wait for him, nor do I care a straw for him, nor, if he should come, do I want him to be admitted in-doors.

By my faith, I shall do that not at all reluctantly. But do you know what I beg you to do?

Only command me what you will.

For you to take that mantle which you gave me just now to the embroiderer’s[*], that it may be trimmed again, and that some work may be added which I want.

I’ faith, you say what’s right; in such a way shall it be disguised that my wife shan’t know that you are wearing it, if she should see you in the street.

Then take it away with you just now, when you go away.

By all means.

Let’s go in-doors.

I’ll follow you this instant; I only wish to speak to this person. So, there! Messenio, step to me this way.

What’s the matter?

Listen.

What need for it?

There is need, I know what you’ll say to me—

So much the worse.

Hold your tongue ⋯ I’ve got some spoil; thus much of the business have I begun upon. Go, and, as quick as you can, take away those people[*] at once to an inn[*]. Then do you take care to come and meet me[*] before sunset.

Don’t you know that these people are harlots, master?

Hold your tongue, I say, and go you away from here. It will cost me pain, not you, if I do anything here that’s foolish.

This woman is silly and inexperienced. So far as I’ve perceived just now, there’s some spoil for us here.

I’m undone. Are you going away then? He is certainly ruined; the piratical craft is now leading the boat straight to destruction. But I’m an unreasonable fellow to wish to rule my master; he bought me to obey his orders, not to be his commander.

(To the ATTENDANTS.) Follow me, that, as I’m ordered, I may come in good time to meet my master.

More than thirty years have I been born yet during that time I never did any more mischievous or more evil trick than this day, when, to my misfortune, I thrust myself into the midst of the assembly[*]. while I was gaping about there, Menaechmus stole away from me,

and went, I suppose, to his mistress, and didn’t want to take me. May all the Divinities confound that man who first mischievously devised the holding of an assembly, which keeps men thus engaged. By my troth, is it not fitting that men who are disengaged should be chosen for that purpose? These, when they are cited, if they are not present, let the officers exact the fine[*]

forthwith ⋯ the senate ⋯

Abundance of men are there who every day eat their victuals alone, who have no business, who are neither invited nor invite to feast; these ought to give their attendance at the assembly and the law-courts[*].

If so it had been, this say I shouldn’t have lost my breakfast; to which I deemed myself as much accustomed, as to see myself alive. I’ll go; even yet the hope of the scraps comforts my mind. But why do I see Menaechmus here? He’s coming out of doors with a chaplet on? The banquet is removed; i’ faith, I come just in time to meet him.

I’ll watch the fellow, what he’s about, then I’ll go and accost him. (He steps aside.)

Can’t you rest content, if this day I bring it you back in good time, nicely and properly trimmed? I’ll cause you to say it isn’t itself, so much shall it be disguised.

He’s carrying the mantle to the embroiderer’s, the breakfast finished

and the wine drunk up, and the Parasite shut out of doors. By my troth, I’m not the person that I am, if I don’t handsomely avenge this injury and myself. ’Tis requisite I should watch ⋯ I’ll give something.

O ye immortal Gods! on what man ever have you conferred more blessings in one day, who hoped for less?