Menaechmi, or The Twin Brothers (100-149)

Such is this young man; himself with a very well-stocked larder, he gives dinners fit for Ceres [*]; so does he heap the tables up, and piles so vast of dishes does he arrange, you must stand on your couch if you wish for anything at the top. But I have now had an interval these many days,

while I’ve been lording it at home all along together with my dear ones[*];—for nothing do I eat or purchase but what it is most dear. But inasmuch as dear ones, when they are provided, are in the habit of forsaking us, I am now paying him a visit. But his door is opening; and see, I perceive Menaechmus himself; he is coming out of doors.

Unless you were worthless, unless you were foolish, unless you were stark wild and an idiot, that which you see is disagreable to your husband, you would deem to be so to yourself as well. Moreover, if after this day you do any such thing to me, I’ll force you, a divorced woman, turned out of my doors to go visit your father. For as often as I wish to go out of the house, you are detaining me, calling me back, asking me questions;

whither I am going, what matter I am about, what business I am transacting, what I am wanting, what I am bringing, what I have been doing out of doors? I’ve surely brought home a custom-house officer[*] as my wife; so much am I obliged to disclose all my business, whatever I have done and am doing. I’ve had you hitherto indulged too much. Now, therefore, I’ll tell you how I am about to act.

Since I find you handsomely in maids, provisions, wool, gold trinkets, garments, and purple, and you are wanting in nought, you’ll beware of a mischief if you’re wise; you’ll leave off watching your husband. (In a lower voice.) And therefore, that you mayn’t be watching me in vain, for your pains I shall find me a mistress to-day, and invite her to dinner somewhere out of doors.

This fellow pretends that he’s upbraiding his wife, but he’s addressing myself; for if he does dine out of doors, he really is punishing me, not his wife.

Hurra! I’ troth, by my taunts I’ve driven my wife from the door at last. Where now are your intriguing husbands? Why do they hesitate, all returning thanks, to bring presents to me who have fought so gallantly?

This mantle[*] of my wife’s (taking it from under his cloak) I’ve just now stolen from in-doors, and I’m taking it to my mistress. This way it’s proper for a clever trick to be played this knowing husband-watcher. This is a becoming action, this is right, this is skilful, this is done in workman-like style; inasmuch as at my own risk I’ve taken this from my plague, this same shall be carried off to destruction[*]. With the safety of my allies[*] I’ve gained a booty from the foe.

Harkye! young man; pray what share have I[*] in that booty?

I’m undone; I’ve fallen into an ambuscade.

Say a safeguard rather. Don’t be afraid.

What person’s this?

’Tis I.

O my convenient friend—O my ready occasion, save you.

And save you.

What are you about?

Holding my good Genius in my right hand.

You couldn’t have come to me more à propos than you have come.

I’m in the habit of doing so; I understand all the points of ready occasion.

Would you like to be witness of a brilliant exploit?

What cook has cooked it? I shall know at once if he has made any mistake, when I see the remnants.[*].

Tell me—did you ever see a picture painted on a wall, where the eagle is carrying off Ganymede[*], or Venus Adonis?

Many a time. But what are these pictures to me?

Come, look at me[*]. Do I at all bear any resemblance to them?

What’s this garb of yours?

Pronounce me to be a very clever fellow.

Where are we to feed?

Only do you say that which I requested you.

Well, I do say so; very clever fellow.

And don’t you venture to add anything of your own to it?