Epidicus, or The Fortunate Discovery (1-666)

pulling THESPRIO by the cloak. Harkye! young man.

Who pulls me by the cloak, when thus in haste?

An intimate.

I confess it; for with your annoyance you are too intimate.

But do look back, Thesprio!

looking round. What? Is it Epidicus that I see?

Why surely you've the use of your eyes.

Greetings to you.

May the Gods grant what you desire. I'm glad that you've got here safe.

What besides?

According to the usage, a dinner shall be given you

I agree.

What to do?

That I'll accept it, if you offer it.

How are you? Fare you as you could wish?

The proof's before you.

I understand. Eyeing him from top to toe. Marvellous! You seem quite plump and hearty.

pointing to his left hand. Thanks to this.

Which, indeed, you ought to have parted with

I'm less of a pilferer now than formerly.

How so?

I rob above-board

May the immortal Gods confound you, with what huge strides you do walk! for when I caught sight of you at the harbour, I began to run at a rapid pace; I was hardly able to overtake you just now.

You are a town wit.

I know that you, on the other hand, are a military gentleman.

Speak out as boldly as you please.

How say you? Have you been well all along?

In a varied way.

Those who are well in a varied way

What do you wish me to tell you but that which is fact?

To answer to these things fairly; how's our master's son? Is he well?

Stout as a boxer and an athlete.

You've brought me joyous tidings on your arrival. But where is he?

I came here together with him.

Where is he then? Unless, perchance, you've brought him in your wallet, or, perhaps, in your knapsack.

May the Gods confound you!

I want to make enquiries of you. Lend me your attention; attention shall be lent you in return.

You say what's law

It becomes me to do so.

But why now are you acting the Prætor over us?

What other person in Athens will you say is more deserving of it than I?

But still, Epidicus, one thing is wanting for your Prætorship.

What, pray?

You shall know; two lictors

shaking his fist at him. Woe unto you! But how say you—? THES. What is it you ask?

Where are the arms

I' faith, they've gone over to the enemy.

What, his arms?

Aye, and quickly too.

Do you say that seriously?

Seriously I say it; the enemy have got them.

By my troth, a disgraceful affair.

Still, before now, other persons have done the same. This affair will turn out to his honor

How so?

Because it has been so to others before.

Mulciber, I suppose, made the arms which Stratippocles had; they flew over to the enemy

Why, then, e'en let this son of Thetis lose them; the daughters of Nereus will bring him others.

Only this must be looked to, that material may be found for the armourers, if in each campaign he yields a spoil to the enemy.

Have done now with these matters.

You yourself make an end of them when you please.

Cease your enquiries then.

Say, where is Stratippocles himself?

There is a reason, for which reason he has been afraid to come together with me.

Pray, what is it?

He doesn't wish to see his father as yet.

For what reason?

You shall hear; because he has purchased out of the spoil a young female captive of charming and genteel figure.

What is it I hear from you?

That which I'm telling you.

Why has he purchased her?

To please his fancy.

How many fancies has this man? For assuredly, before he went away from home to the army, he himself commissioned me, that a music-girl whom he was in love with should be purchased of a Procurer for him. That I have managed to accomplish for him.

Whichever way the wind is at sea, Epidicus, in that direction the sail is shifted.

Woe unto wretched me! He has utterly undone me!

What's the meaning of this? What's the matter, pray?

Well now—she whom he has bought, at what sum has he purchased her?

A very little.

That I don't ask you.

What then?

For how many minæ?

holding up all his fingers four times. For so many.

Forty minæ?

For that purpose, he borrowed the money on interest of a Banker at Thebes, at a didrachm for each silver mina per day.

Surprising!

This Banker, too, has come together with him, and is dunning for his money.

Immortal Gods! now I'm fairly done for!

Why so, or.what's the matter, Epidicus?

He has proved my ruin!

Who?

Who? He who lost his arms.

But why so?

Because he himself was every day sending me letters from the army—but I shall hold my tongue; it's best to do so. It's best for a man in servitude to know more than he says; that's true wisdom.

On my faith, I don't understand why you are alarmed. You are frightened, Epidicus; I see it by your countenance. You seem here, in my absence, to have got into some scrape or other.

Can't you cease annoying me?

I'll be off. Moves as if going.

Stand still; I'll not let you go from here. Holds him. THES. Why do you hold me back?

Is he in love with her whom he has purchased out of the spoil?

Do you ask me? He dotes to death upon her.

The hide will be stripped from off my back.

He loves her, too, more than ever he loved you.

May Jupiter confound you!

Let me go now; for he has forbidden me to go to our house; he ordered me to come here pointing to the house to our neighbour's, Chæribulus; there he bade me wait; he's about to come there himself.

Why so?

I'll tell you; because he doesn't wish to meet with or see his father, before he has paid down this money which is owing for her.

O dear! an involved business, i' faith.

Do let go of me, that I may now be off forthwith.

When the old gentleman knows this, our ship will fairly founder.

What matters it to me in what way you come to your end?

Because I don't wish to perish alone; I'd like you to perish with me, well-wisher with well-wisher.

tearing himself away from EPIDICUS. Away with you from me to utter and extreme perdition with those terms of yours!

Be off, then, if you are in great haste about anything.

aside. I never met with any person from whom I parted with greater pleasure. Goes into the house of CHÆRIBULUS.

to himself. He's gone away from here; you are now alone. In what plight this matter is, you now see, Epidicus. Unless you have some resources in your own self, you are done for. Ruination so great is impending over you—unless you support yourself stoutly, you cannot hold up; to such a degree are mountains of misfortune threatening to tumble on you. Neither does any plan just now please me by means of which to find myself disengaged from my entanglement. To my misfortune, by my trickeries I have forced the old man to imagine that he was making purchase of his own daughter; whereas he has bought for his own son a music-girl whom he was fond of, and whom on his departure he commissioned me about. He now, to please his fancy, has brought another one from the army. I've lost my hide, for when the old man finds out that he has been played tricks with, he'll be flaying my back with twigs. But still, do you take all precautions. He stands still and thinKs. That's of no use! clearly this head of mine is addled! You are a worthless fellow, Epidicus. In another tone. What pleasure have you in being abusive? Because you are forsaking yourself. What am I to do? Do you ask me the question? Why you yourself, in former days, were wont to lend advice to others. Well, well; something must be found out. But why delay to go meet the young man, that I may know how the matter stands? And here he is himself. He is in a grave mood. He's coming with Chæribulus, his year's-mate. I'll step aside here, whence at my leisure I'll follow their discourse. He steps aside.

I've told you all the matter, Chæribulus, and I have fully disclosed to you the sum of my griefs and loves.

You are foolish, Stratippocles, beyond your age and lineage. Does it shame you, because you have bought a captive girl, born of good family, from among the spoil? Who will there be to impute it as a fault to you?

Through doing this, I've found that those who are envious are all enemies to me; but I've never offered violence

Then, so far, in my opinion at least, you are a still more deserving man, inasmuch as you are temperate in your passion.

He effects nothing who consoles a desponding man with his words: he is a friend, who, in dubious circumstances, aids in deed when deeds are necessary.

What do you wish me to do?

To lend me forty minæ of silver, to be paid to the Banker from whom I borrowed it on interest.

On my word, if I had it, I would not deny you.

What then does it signify your being bounteous in talk,

Why faith, I myself am quite wearied and distracted with being dunned.

I had rather my friends of that sort were thrust into a furnace than into litigation

apart. The matter's all right; he promises well; he'll keep faith, I trust. Ironically. Without any expenditure of my own, an entertainment

turning round. Where is he?

Here he is; I'm delighted that you have returned safe.

I believe you as much in that as I do myself.

Have you been well all along?

I've been free from disease; in mind I've been ailing.

As regarded myself, I've taken care of what you entrusted to me; it has been obtained; the female captive has been bought, about which matter you were sending me letters so often.

You've lost all your labour.

But why have I lost it?

Because she is not dear to my heart, nor does she please me.

What means it, then, that you gave me such strict injunctions, and sent letters to me?

Formerly I did love her; but now another passion influences my heart.

I' faith, it is a shocking thing for that to be unpleasant for a man which you have managed well for him; where I've done well, I've in reality done ill, since love has shifted sides.

I wasn't right in my mind when I sent those letters to you.

Is it proper that I should be the atonement for your folly, so as for you to substitute my back as the scape-goat

Why are we making words about that? This man pointing to himself has need of forty minæ, ready money, and in all haste, for him to pay a Banker, and speedily too.

Only tell me from what quarter you wish me to get them. From what banker am I to seek them?

From where you like. But if I don't finger them before sunset, don't you enter my house; off with yourself to the mill.

You easily say that without risk and concern, and with a gay heart. I know our floggers; I feel the pain when I'm beaten.

How say you now? Will you suffer me to destroy myself?

Don't do that. I'll cope with this peril and bold attempt in preference.

Now you please me; now do I commend you.

I'll submit to this in any way that's pleasing to you.

What then is to be done about this music-girl?

Some method shall be found out; by some means I'll disengage myself; some way I shall get extricated.

You are full of scheming; I know you of old.

There is a rich Captain of Eubœa

I shall have her here just now.

What are we now doing here?

Let's go in-doors here at your house, that, for the present, we may pass this day merrily. They go into the house of CHÆRIBULUS.

to himself. Go in-doors; I'll now call

Mostly all men

I have some regard for my son

But, i' faith, the wife whom you buried I thought you had felt some respect for; whose tomb as oft as you see, you straightway sacrifice victims to Orcus; and not without reason, in fact, since you've been allowed to get the better of her by surviving her.

Ah me! I was a Hercules while she was with me; and, upon my faith, the sixth labour

I' faith, money's a handsome dowry.

Troth, so it is, which isn't encumbered with a wife.

to himself. I do think that in the Attic land there is no spot of land so fertile as is this Periphanes of ours; why, from the locked and sealed-up money-chest I summon forth silver just as much as I please. But this, i' troth, I am afraid of, that if the old man should come to know it, he'll be making parasites of elm-twigs

I'm distractedly in suspense and worn to the heart with waiting how the fair promises of Epidicus will turn out for me. I've been tormented too long. Whether there is to be anything, or whether there is not, I wish to know.

For all these resources you may still seek some other resources for yourself. For my part, I knew at the first, or the instant, that there was no help for you in him

Upon my faith, I'm ruined!

You act absurdly in tormenting yourself in mind. By my troth, if I should catch him, I would never allow that slave of a fellow to be laughing at us with impunity.

What can you expect him to do, you, who have such great wealth at home, and have not a coin of it, as you say, and have in yourself no resources for your friend?

I' faith, if I had had it, I should have proffered it with pleasure; but something in some manner

Woe to you, you sneaking fellow

Why does it please you to abuse me?

Why, because you are prating to me about something in some manner, from somewhere or other, from some persons, that nowhere exists, and I won't admit it to my ears. Of no more assistance are you unto me than he who never yet has been born. They stand near the door of the house of CHÆRIBULUS.

to PERIPHANES, within the house. You've done your duty then; it now befits me to do mine. Through this care of mine, you may be allowed to be at ease. In a lower voice. This, in fact, is now lost to you; don't at all be setting your hopes on it. Holding some of the coins in his hands. How very shining it is! You only trust me for that. This way I'm going to act, this way my forefathers have acted before me. O ye immortal Gods, what a brilliant day you have bestowed upon me in this how propitious and how favourable to my requests! But why do I delay to take my departure hence, that I may bear this supply with lucky auspices to the colony

How much is there in this?

As much as is enough, and more than enough; a superabundance; I've brought more by ten minæ than you owe to the Banker. So long as I please and obey you, I value my own back at a straw.

But why so?

Because I shall make your father a bag-murderer

What kind of expression is that?

I don't at all care for your old-fashioned and every-day words; you chouse by purses full

Bravo!—bravo!

She's now at your house

I understand.

Now he has given me Apæcides by way of guarantee in this matter (he's waiting for me at the Forum), as if to seem the purchaser.

Not a bad precaution!

The cautious man's now taken in himself; your own father himself placed this purse around my neck

In one way only will he persuade me; if Orcus takes her away from me, who has been brought with me.

Now I've hit upon this scheme: I'll go by myself alone to the procurer's house; I'll instruct him, if any one comes to him, to say that the money has been paid him for the music-girl; inasmuch as, the day before yesterday, I paid it down with my own hands for this mistress of yours, whom your father takes to be his own daughter. Then the procurer, unknowingly, will be staking his accursed head, as though he had received the money for her who has now been brought here together with you.

You are more versatile than a potter's-wheel.

Now I'll get ready some artful music-girl, who's hired at a didrachm, to pretend that she has been purchased, and cleverly to trick the two old fellows: Apæcides, together with her, will bring her to your father.