Curculio, or The Forgery (569-599)

She has been carried off; you shall be carried off hence away from me, beyond a doubt, if you persist in abusing me, to whom I owe nothing but a punishing.

What, threaten me with a punishing?

Aye, and by my troth, I’ll not be threatening, but I’ll give it, if you persist in being impertinent to me.

A Procurer, forsooth, threatening me; and are my combats in battle, so many in number, lying trodden under foot? But so may my sabre and my shield ⋯

trustily aid me when fighting in the field; unless the girl is restored to me, I’ll at once cause the ants to carry you away piecemeal from this spot.

And so may my tweezers[*], my comb, my looking-glass, my crisping-iron, and my hair-scissors and scrubbing-towel love me well,

I don’t value your high-sounding words, nor these big threats of yours, a bit the more than my servant-girl that washes out my sink. I’ve given her up to him who brought the money from you.

What person was that?

He said that he was Summanus, your freed-man.

Mine? You don’t say so; i’ faith, it’s that Curculio that has put a trick upon me, when I think upon it; he stole my ring from me.

The Captain has been finely appointed to a cashiered company[*].

Where now shall I find Curculio[*]?

In some wheat with the greatest ease I’ll make you find even five hundred Curculios instead of one. Therefore I’m off; fare you well, and my service to you.

Fare you ill, a plague attend you. What shall I do? Shall I stop or go away? That I should have been imposed upon in this way!

I’d like to give a reward to him who would point out that fellow to me.

I’ve heard that an ancient Poet[*] wrote in a Tragedy, that two women are worse than one; such is the fact. But a more crafty woman than is this mistress of Phaedromus, I never saw or heard of, nor, i’ faith, can one be spoken of or imagined;

she, as soon as ever she saw that I had got this ring, asked me whence I got it. Why do you ask that? said I. Because I’ve need to know, said she. I said I wouldn’t tell her. To get it away, she seized hold of my hand with her teeth. With much ado I betook me out of doors, and made my escape. Away with this slut[*].

My Phaedromus, make haste.