Aulularia, or The Concealed Treasure (1-832b)

THE HOUSEHOLD GOD

Lest any one should wonder who I am, I will tell you in a few words. I am the household God of this family, from whose house you have seen me coming forth. It is now many years that I have been occupying this houses and I inhabited it for the father and the grandfather of this person who now dwells here. But beseeching me, his grandfather entrusted to me a treasure of gold, unknown to all. He deposited it in the midst of the hearth

[*], praying me that I would watch it for him. He, when he died, was of such an avaricious disposition, that he would never disclose it to his own son, and preferred rather to leave him in want than to show that treasure to that son. He left him no large quantity of land, on which to live with great laboriousness and in wretchedness. When he died who had entrusted that gold to me, I began to take notice whether his son would any how pay greater honor to me than his father had paid me. But he was in the habit of venerating me still less and less by very much, and gave me a still less share of devotion. So in return was it done by me; and he likewise ended his life. He left this person who now dwells here, his son, of the same disposition as his father and grandfather were. He has an only daughter; she is always every day making offerings to me, either with incense, or wine, or something or other; she presents me, too, with chaplets. Out of regard for her, I have caused this Euclio to find this treasure, in order that he might more readily give her in marriage if he should wish; for a young man of very high rank has ravished her; this young man knows who it is that he has ravished; she knows him not, nor yet does her father know that she has been ravished. This day I shall cause the old gentleman here, our neighbour, to ask her as his wife; that will I do for this reason, that he may the more easily marry her who has ravished her. And this old gentleman who shall ask her as his wife, the same is the uncle of that young man who debauched her in the night time at the festival of Ceres [*]. But this old fellow is now making an uproar in the house, as usual; he is thrusting the old woman out of doors, that she may not be privy to the secret. I suppose he wants to look at the gold, if it be not stolen.

EUCLIO

Get out, I say, be off, get out; by my troth, you must budge out of this house here, you pryabout woman, with your inquisitive eyes.

STAPHYLA

Pray why are you beating me, wretched creature that I am?

EUCLIO

That you may be wretched, and that, curst as you are. you may pass a curst life, well befitting you.

STAPHYLA

But for what reason have you now pushed me out of the house?

EUCLIO

Am I to be giving you a reason, you whole harvest of whips

[*]. Get away there from the door! There, do look, if you please, how she does creep along. But do you know how matters stand with you? If I just now take a stick or a whip in my hand, I'll quicken that tortoise pace for you.

STAPHYLA

O that the Gods would drive me to hang myself, rather indeed than that I should be a slave in your house on these terms!

EUCLIO

Hark how the hag is grumbling to herself! By my troth, you wretch, I'll knock out those eyes of yours, that you mayn't be able to watch me, what business I'm about. Get out pushes her with his hands-further yet! still further! further! There now, stand you there! By my faith, if you budge a finger's breadth, or a nail's width from that spot, or if you look back until I shall order you, i' faith, I'll give you up at once as a trainer for the gibbet. Aside. I know for sure that I did never see one more accursed than this hag, and I'm sadly in fear of her, lest she should be cheating me unawares, or be scenting it out where the gold is concealed, a most vile wretch, who has eyes in the back of her head as well. Now I'll go and see whether the gold is just as I concealed it, that so troubles wretched me in very many ways. He goes into his house.

STAPHYLA

By heavens, I cannot now conceive what misfortune, or what insanity, I am to say has befallen my master; in such a way does he often, ten times in one day, in this fashion push wretched me out of the house. I' faith, I know not what craziness does possess this man; whole nights is he on the watch; then, too, all the day long does he sit for whole days together at home like a lame cobbler

[*]. Nor can I imagine now by what means to conceal the disgrace of my master's daughter, whose lying-in approaches near; and there isn't anything better for me, as I fancy, than to make one long capital letter [*] of myself, when I've tied up my neck in a halter.

EUCLIO

to himself. Now, with my mind at ease, at length I go out of my house, after I've seen that everything is safe in-doors. Now do you return at once into the house to STAPHYLA, and keep watch in-doors.

STAPHYLA

Keep watch in-doors upon nothing at all, forsooth! or is it, that no one may carry the house away. For here in our house there's nothing else for thieves to gain, so filled is it with emptiness

[*] and cobwebs.

EUCLIO

'Tis a wonder that, for your sake, Jupiter doesn't now make me a King Philip, or a Darius

[*], you hag of hags. I choose those cobwebs to be watched for me. I am poor, I confess it—I put up with it. What the Gods send, I endure. Go in-doors, shut to the door, I shall be there directly. Take you care not to let any strange person into the house.

STAPHYLA

What if any person asks for fire?

EUCLIO

I wish it to be put out, that there may be no cause for any one asking it of you. But if the fire shall be kept in, you yourself shall be forthwith extinguished. Then do you say that the water has run out

[*], if any one asks for it.

STAPHYLA

The knife, the hatchet, the pestle and mortar, utensils that neighbours are always asking the loan of—

EUCLIO

Say that thieves have come and carried them off. In fact, in my absence, I wish no one to be admitted into my house; and this, too, do I tell you beforehand, if Good Luck should come, don't you admit her.

STAPHYLA

I' faith, she takes good care, I think, not to be admitted; for though close at hand

[*], she has never come to our house.

EUCLIO

Hold your tongue, and go in-doors.

STAPHYLA

I'll hold my tongue, and be off.

EUCLIO

Shut the door, please, with both bolts. I shall be there directly. STAPHYLA goes into the house. I'm tormented in my mind, because I must go away from my house I' faith, I go but very unwillingly; but I know full well what I'm about; for the person that is our master of our ward

[*] has given notice that he will distribute a didrachm of silver to each man; if I relinquish that, and don't ask for it, at once I fancy that all will be suspecting that I've got gold at home; for it isn't very likely that a poor man would despise ever such a trifle, so as not to ask for his piece of money. For as it is, while I am carefully concealing it from all, lest they should know, all seem to know it, and all salute me more civilly than they formerly used to salute me; they come up to me, they stop, they shake hands [*]; they ask me how I am, what I'm doing, what business I'm about. Now I'll go there whither I had set out [*]; afterwards, I'll betake myself back again home as fast as ever I can.

EUCLIO

to himself. My mind had a presentiment that I was going to no purpose when I left my house; and therefore I went unwillingly; for neither did any one of the wardsmen come, nor yet the master of the ward, who ought to have distributed the money. Now I'm making all haste to hasten home; for I myself am here, my mind's at home.

MEGADORUS

accosting him. May you be well, and ever fortunate, Euclio!

EUCLIO

May the Gods bless you, Megadorus!

MEGADORUS

How are you? Are you quite well, and as you wish?

EUCLIO

aside. It isn't for nothing when a rich man accosts a poor man courteously; now this fellow knows that I've got some gold; for that reason he salutes me more courteously.

MEGADORUS

Do you say that you are well?

EUCLIO

Troth, I'm not very well in the money line.

MEGADORUS

I' faith, if you've a contented mind, you have enough to passing a good life with.

EUCLIO

aside. By my faith, the old woman has made a discovery to him about the gold; 'tis clear it's all out. I'll cut off her tongue, and tear out her eyes, when I get home.

MEGADORUS

Why are you talking to yourself?

EUCLIO

I'm lamenting my poverty; I've a grown-up girl without a portion, and one that can't be disposed of in marriage; nor have I the ability to marry her to anybody.

MEGADORUS

Hold your peace; be of good courage, Euclio: she shall be given in marriaye; you shall be assisted by myself. Say, if you have need of aught; command me.

EUCLIO

aside. Now is he aiming at my property, while he's making promises; he's gaping for my gold, that he may devour it; in the one hand he is carrying a stone

[*]. while he shows the bread in the other. I trust no person, who, rich himself, is exceedingly courteous to a poor man; when he extends his hand with a kind air, then is he loading you with some damage. I know these polypi[*], who, when they've touched a thing, hold it fast.

MEG.(

Give me your attention, Euclio, for a little time: I wish to address you in a few words, about a common concern of yours and mine.

EUCLIO

aside. Alas! woe is me! my gold has been grabbed from in-doors: now he's wishing for this thing, I'm sure, to come to a compromise with me; but I'll go look in my house. He goes towards his door.

MEGADORUS

Where are you going?

EUCLIO

I'll return to you directly, for there's something I must go and see to at home. He goes into his house.

MEGADORUS

By my troth, I do believe that when I make mention of his daughter, for him to promise her to me, he'll suppose that he's being laughed at by me; nor is there out of the whole class of paupers one more beggarly than he. EUCLIO returns from his house.

EUCLIO

aside. The Gods do favour me; my property's all safe. If nothing's lost, it's safe. I was very dreadfully afraid, before I went in-doors! I was almost dead! Aloud. I'm come back to you, Megadorus, if you wish to say anything tome.

MEGADORUS

I return you thanks; I beg that as to what I shall enquire of you, you'll not hesitate to speak out boldly.

EUCLIO

So long, indeed, as you enquire nothing that I mayn't choose to speak out upon.

MEGADORUS

Tell me, of what sort of family do you consider me to be sprung?

EUCLIO

Of a good one.

MEGADORUS

What think you as to my character?

EUCLIO

'Tis a good one.

MEGADORUS

What of my conduct?

EUCLIO

Neither bad nor dishonest.

MEGADORUS

Do you know my years?

EUCLIO

I know that they are plentiful, just like your money.

MEGADORUS

I' faith, for sure I really did always take you to be a citizen without any evil guile, and now I think you so.

EUCLIO

aside. He smells the gold. Aloud. What do you want with me now?

MEGADORUS

Since you know me, and I know you, what sort of person you are—a thing, that may it bring a blessing on myself, and you and your daughter, I ask your daughter as my wife. Promise me that it shall be so.

EUCLIO

Heyday! Megadorus, you are doing a deed that's not becoming to your usual actions, in laughing at me, a poor man, and guiltless towards yourself and towards your family For neither in act, nor in words, have I ever deserved it of you, that you should do what you are now doing.

MEGADORUS

By my troth, I neither am come to laugh at you, nor am I laughing at you, nor do I think you deserving of it.

EUCLIO

Why then do you ask for my daughter for your self?

MEGADORUS

That through me it may be better for you, and through you and yours for me.

EUCLIO

This suggests itself to my mind, Megadorus, that you are a wealthy man, a man of rank; that I likewise am a person, the poorest of the poor; now, if I should give my daughter in marriage to you, it suggests itself to my mind that you are the ox, and that I am the ass; when I'm yoked to you, and when I'm not able to bear the burden equally with yourself, I, the ass, must lie down in the mire; you, the ox, would regard me no more than if I had never been born; and I should both find you unjust, and my own class would laugh at me; in neither direction should I have a fixed stall, if there should be any separation

[*]; the asses would tear me with their teeth, the oxen would butt at me with their horns. This is the great hazard, in my passing over from the asses to the oxen.

MEGADORUS

The nearer you can unite yourself in alliance with the virtuous, so much the better. Do you receive this proposal, listen to me, and promise her to me.

EUCLIO

But indeed there is no marriage-portion.

MEGADORUS

You are to give none; so long as she comes with good principles, she is sufficiently portioned.

EUCLIO

I say so for this reason, that you mayn't be supposing that I have found any treasures.

MEGADORUS

I know that; don't enlarge upon it. Promise her to me.

EUCLIO

So be it. Starts and looks about. But, O Jupiter, am I not utterly undone?

MEGADORUS

What's the matter with you?

EUCLIO

What was it sounded just now as though it were iron?

MEGADORUS

Here at my place, I ordered them to dig up the garden. EUCLIO runs off into his house. But where is this man? He's off, and he hasn't fully answered me; he treats me with contempt. Because he sees that I wish for his friendship, he acts after the manner of mankind. For if a wealthy person goes to ask a favour of a poorer one, the poor man is afraid to treat with him; through his apprehension he hurts his own interest. The same person, when this opportunity is lost, too late, then wishes for it.

EUCLIO

coming out of the house, addressing STAPHYLA within. By the powers, if I don't give you up to have your tongue cut out by the roots, I order and I authorize you to hand me over to any one you please to be incapacitated.

MEGADORUS

By my troth, Euclio, I perceive that you consider me a fit man for you to make sport of in my old age, for no deserts of my own.

EUCLIO

I' faith, Megadorus, I am not doing so, nor, should I desire it, had I the means

[*].

MEGADORUS

How now? Do you then betroth your daughter to me?

EUCLIO

On those terms, and with that portion which I mentioned to you.

MEGADORUS

Do you promise her then?

EUCLIO

I do promise her.

MEGADORUS

May the Gods bestow their blessings on it.

EUCLIO

May the Gods so do. Take you care of this, and remember that we've agreed, that my daughter is not to bring you any portion.

MEGADORUS

I remember it.

EUCLIO

But I understand in what fashion you, of your class, are wont to equivocate; an agreement is no agreement, no agreement is an agreement, just as it pleases you.

MEGADORUS

I'll have no misunderstanding with you. But what reason is there why we shouldn't have the nuptials this day?

EUCLIO

Why, by my troth, there is very good reason for them.

MEGADORUS

I'll go, then, and prepare matters. Do you want me in any way?

EUCLIO

That shall be done. Fare you well.

MEGADORUS

going to the door of his house and calling out. Hallo! Strobilus, follow me quickly, in all haste, to the fleshmarket. (Exit MEGADORUS.)

EUCLIO

He has gone hence. Immortal Gods, I do beseech you! How powerful is gold! I do believe, now, that he has had some intimation that I've got a treasure at home; he's gaping for that; for the sake of that has he persisted in this alliance.

EUCLIO

going to the door of his house, he opens it, and calls to STAPHYLA within. Where are you who have now been blabbing to all my neighbours that I'm going to give a portion to my daughter? Hallo! Staphyla, I'm calling you! Don't you hear? Make haste in-doors there, and wash the vessels clean. I've promised my daughter in marriage; to-day I shall give her to be married to Megadorus here. from the house.

STAPHYLA

as she enters. May the Gods bestow their blessings on it! But, i' faith, it cannot be; 'tis too sudden.

EUCLIO

Hold your tongue, and be off. Take care that things are ready when I return home from the Forum, and shut the house up. I shall be here directly. (Exit.)

STAPHYLA

What now am I to do? Now is ruin near at hand for us, both for myself and my master's daughter; for her disgrace and her delivery are upon the very point of becoming known; that which even until now has been concealed and kept secret, cannot be so now. I'll go in-doors, that what my master ordered may be done when he comes. But, by my faith, I do fear that I shall have to drink of a mixture of bitterness

[*]! (Exit.)

STROBILUS

After my master had bought the provisions, and hired the cooks

[*] and these music- girls in the market-place, he ordered me to divide these provisions into two parts.

LYCONIDES

By my troth, but you really shan't be dividing me

[*], I tell you plainly. If you wish me to go anywhere whole, I'll do my best.

ANTHRAX

A very pretty and modest fellow, indeed

[*]. As if, when you are a conger by name, you wouldn't like to be cut into pieces.

LYCONIDES

But, Anthrax, I said that in another sense, and not in the one which you are pretending.

STROBILUS

Now my master's going to be married to-day.

ANTHRAX

Whose daughter is he to marry?

STROBILUS

The daughter of this Euclio, his near neighbour here. For that reason he has ordered half of these provisions here to be presented to him—one cook, and one music-girl likewise.

ANTHRAX

That is, you take one half to him, the other half home?

STROBILUS

'Tis just as you say.

ANTHRAX

How's that? Couldn't this old fellow provide from his own resources for the wedding of his daughter.

STROBILUS

Pshaw!

ANTHRAX

What's the matter?

STROBILUS

What's the matter, do you ask? A pumice stone isn't so dry as is this old fellow.

ANTHRAX

Do you really say that it is as you affirm?

STROBILUS

Do be judge yourself. Why, he's for ever crying out for aid from Gods and men, that his property has gone, and that he is ruined root and branch, if the smoke by chance escapes out of doors through the rafters of his house. Why, when he goes to sleep, he ties a bag

[*] beneath his gullet.

ANTHRAX

Why so?

STROBILUS

That when he sleeps, he may lose no breath.

ANTHRAX

And does he stop up the lower part of his windpipe

[*] as well, lest, perchance, he should lose any breath as he sleeps?

STROBILUS

In that 'tis as fair that you should credit me, as it is for me to credit you.

ANTHRAX

Why really, I do believe you.

STROBILUS

But, further, do you know how it is? I' faith, he grieves to throw away the water when he washes.

ANTHRAX

Do you think a great talent

[*] might be begged of this old fellow for him to give us, through which we might become free?

STROBILUS

By my troth, if you were to ask it, he would never let you have the loan of hunger. Why, the other day, the barber had cut his nails

[*]; he collected all the parings, and carried them off.

ANTHRAX

I' faith, you do describe a miserably stingy wretch.

LYCONIDES

But do you think that he does live so very stingily and wretchedly?

STROBILUS

A kite, the other day, carried off his morsel of food; the fellow went crying to the Prætor

[*]; there, weeping and lamenting, he began to request that he might be allowed to compel the kite to give bail. There are innumerable other things that I could mention, if I had the leisure. But which of you two is the sharper? Tell me.

LYCONIDES

I—as being much the better one.

STROBILUS

A cook I ask for, not a thief

[*].

LYCONIDES

As a cook, I mean.

STROBILUS

to ANTHRAX. What do you say?

ANTHRAX

I'm just as you see me.

LYCONIDES

He's a nine-day cook

[*]; every ninth day he's in the habit of going out to cook.

ANTHRAX

You, you three-lettered fellow

[*]; do you abuse me, you thief?

LYCONIDES

To be sure I do, you trebly-distilled thief of thieves

[*].

STROBILUS

Now do you hold your tongue for the present, and, that lamb, whichever is the fatter of the two—

LYCONIDES

Very well

[*].

STROBILUS

Do you, Congrio, take that, and go in-doors there pointing to EUCLIO'S house ; and to a MUSIC-GIRL and some of the PEOPLE with provisions do you follow him; the rest of you this way, to our house.

LYCONIDES

By my troth, you've made an unfair division; they've got the fattest lamb.

STROBILUS

But the fattest music-girl shall be given you then. Do you, therefore, go along with him, Phrygia

[*]. And do you, Eleusium, step in-doors here, to our house.

LYCONIDES

O you crafty Strobilus, have you pushed me off here upon this most miserly old fellow, where if I ask for anything, I may ask even to hoarseness before anything's found me?

STROBILUS

'Tis very foolish, and 'tis thanklessly done, to do a service to you, when what you do goes for nothing.

LYCONIDES

But how so?

STROBILUS

Do you ask? In the first place then, there will be no confusion for you there in the house; if you want anything to use, bring it from your own home, don't lose your trouble in asking for it. But here, at our house, there's great confusion, and a large establishment— furniture, gold, garments, silver vessels. If anything's lost here (as I know that you can easily

[*] keep hands off—if nothing's in your way), they may say, "The cooks have stolen it; seize them, bind them, beat them, thrust them in the dungeon" [*]. Nothing of that sort will happen to you, inasmuch as there will be nothing for you to steal. Follow me this way.

LYCONIDES

I follow.

STROBILUS

knocking at the door of EUCLIO'S house. Ho, there Staphyla, come out and open the door.

STAPHYLA

from within. Who calls there? STRO. Strobilus.

STAPHYLA

What do you want?

STROBILUS

For you to take in these cooks, and this music-girl, and these provisions for the wedding. Megadorus bade me take these things to Euclio.

STAPHYLA

Are you about to make this wedding, Strobilus, in honor of Ceres

[*]?

STROBILUS

Why?

STAPHYLA

Because I don't see any wine brought.

STROBILUS

Why, that will be brought just now, when he himself comes back from the market.

STAPHYLA

There's no firewood here in our house.

LYCONIDES

There are the beams.

STAPHYLA

I' faith, there are.

LYCONIDES

There is wood, then; don't you be seeking it out of doors.

STAPHYLA

What, you unpurified fellow

[*], although your business is with the fire, for the sake of a dinner, or of your own hire, do you request us to set our house on fire?

LYCONIDES

I don't ask you.

STROBILUS

Take them in-doors.

STAPHYLA

Follow me. They follow her in-doors, and STROBILUS goes with the others into the house of MEGADORUS.

PYTHODICUS

Mind you your business; I'll step in and see what the cooks are doing, to observe whom, i' faith, to-day it is a most laborious task. Unless I manage this one thing, for them to cook the dinner down in the dungeon

[*]; thence, when cooked, we might bring it up again in small baskets. But if they should eat below [*] whatever they should cook, those above would go without their dinner, and those below have dined. But here am I chattering, as though I had no business, when there's such a pack of thieves in the house. Goes into the house.

EUCLIO

I wished at length to screw up my courage to-day, so as to enjoy myself at the wedding of my daughter. I come to the market, I enquire about fish; they tell me that it is dear, that lamb is dear, beef is dear, veal, large fish

[*], and pork, all of them are dear. And for this reason were they still dearer; I hadn't the money. I came away thence in a rage, since I had nothing wherewithal to make a purchase; and thus did I baulk[*] all those rascals. Then I began to think with myself upon the road, "If you are guilty of any extravagance on a festive day, you may be wanting on a common day, unless you are saving." After I disclosed this reasoning to my heart and appetite, my mind came over to my opinion, that I ought to give my daughter in marriage at as little expense as possible. Now I've bought a bit of frankincense, and these chaplets of flowers; these shall be placed upon the hearth for our household God, that he may grant a propitious marriage to my daughter. But what do I—? Do I behold my house open? There's a noise, too, within; is it that I'm robbed, wretch that I am?

LYCONIDES

speaking within the house. Seek of the neighbours a bigger pot

[*] if you can; this one's too little, it can't hold it.

EUCLIO

Woe to me! By my faith, I'm a dead man; the gold's being carried off—my pot's being looked for. I am certainly murdered, unless I make haste to run with all haste in-doors here! Apollo, prithee do assist and help me, whom thou hast already, before this, helped in such circumstances. Pierce with thine arrows the plunderers of my treasures. But am I delaying to run, before I perish outright. He runs into his house.

ANTHRAX

speaking to some within. Dromo, do you scale the fish. Do you, Machærio, have the conger and the lamprey boned. I'm going to ask the loan of a baking-pan of our neighbour Congrio. You, if you are wise, will have that capon more smoothly picked for me than is a plucked play-actor

[*]. But what's this clamour that's arising here hard by? By my faith, the cooks, I do believe, are at their usual pranks [*]. I'll run in-doors, lest there may be any disturbance here for me as well. Retreats into the house of MEGADORUS.

LYCONIDES

roaring out. Beloved fellow-citizens, fellow- countrymen, inhabitants, neighbours, and all strangers, do make way for me to escape! Make all the streets clear! Never have I at any time, until this day, come to Bacchants

[*], in a Bacchanalian den, to cook; so sadly have they mauled wretched me and my scullions with their sticks. I'm aching all over, and am utterly done for; that old fellow has so made a bruising school[*] of me; and in such a fashion has he turned us all out of the house, myself and them, laden with sticks. Nowhere, in all the world, have I ever seen wood dealt out more plentifully. Alackaday! by my faith, to my misery, I'm done for; the Bacchanalian den is opening, here he comes. He's following us. I know the thing I'll do: that the master himself [*] has taught me.

EUCLIO

(calling out, while CONGRIO and the others are running off) Come back! Where are you running to, now? Hold you!

LYCONIDES

Why are you crying out, you stupid?

EUCLIO

Because this instant I shall give your name to the Triumvirs

[*].

LYCONIDES

Why?

EUCLIO

Because you've got a knife.

LYCONIDES

'Tis the proper thing for a cook.

EUCLIO

Why did you threaten me?

LYCONIDES

I think that it was badly managed, that I didn't pierce your side with it.

EUCLIO

There's not a person that's living this day a greater rascal than you, nor one to whom designedly I would with greater pleasure cause a mischief.

LYCONIDES

I' faith, though

[*] you should hold your noise, really that's quite clear; the thing itself is its own witness. As it is, I'm made softer by far with your sticks than any ballet-dancer. But what right have you to touch us, you beggarman? What's the matter?