Dialogues of the Dead (9.1-9.4)

Simylus So here you are at last, Polystratus; you must be something very like a centenarian.

Polystratus Ninety-eight.

Simylus And what sort of a life have you had of it, these thirty years? you were about seventy when I died.

Polystratus Delightful, though you may find it hard to believe.

Simylus It s surprising that you could have any joy of your life— old, weak, and childless, moreover.

Polystratus In the first place, I could do just what I liked; there were still plenty of handsome boys and dainty women; perfumes were sweet, wine kept its bouquet, Sicilian feasts were nothing to mine,

Simylus This is a change, to be sure; you were very economical in my day.

Polystratus Ah, but, my simple friend, these good things were presents—came in streams. From dawn my doors were thronged with visitors, and in the day it was a procession of the fairest gifts of earth.

Simylus Why, you must have seized the crown after my death.

Polystratus Oh no, it was only that I inspired a number of tender passions,

Simylus Tender passions, indeed! what, you, an old man with hardly a tooth left in your head!

Polystratus Certainly; the first of our townsmen were in love with me. Such as you see me, old, bald, blear-eyed, rheumy, they

Simylus Well, then, you had some adventure like Phaon’s, when he rowed Aphrodite across from Chios; your God granted your prayer and made you young and fair and lovely again.

Polystratus No, no; I was as you see me, and I was the object of all desire.

Simylus Oh, I give it up.

Polystratus Why, I should have thought you knew the violent passion for old men who have plenty of money and no children.

Simylus Ah, now I comprehend your beauty, old fellow; it was the Golden Aphrodite bestowed it.

Polystratus I assure you, Simylus, I had a good deal of satisfaction out of my lovers; they idolized me, almost. Often I would be coy and shut some of them out. Such rivalries! such jealous emulations!

Simylus And how did you dispose of your fortune in the end?

Polystratus I gave each an express promise to make him my heir; he believed, and treated me to more attentions than ever; meanwhile I had another genuine will, which was the one I left, with a message to them all to go hang.

Simylus Who was the heir by this one? one of your relations, I suppose.

Polystratus Not likely; it was a handsome young Phrygian I had lately bought.

Simylus Age?

Polystratus About twenty.

Simylus Ah, I can guess his office.

Polystratus Well, you know, he deserved the inheritance much better than they did; he was a barbarian and a rascal; but by this time he has the best of society at his beck. So he inherited; and now he is one of the aristocracy; his smooth chin and his

Simylus Well, I don’t mind; let him be Emperor of Greece, if he likes, so long as he keeps the property away from that other crew.