Dialogues of the Dead (6.5-8.1)

Pluto Well done, Thucritus! Long may you live to enjoy your wealth,—and your joke at the youngsters’ expense; many a toady may you send hither before your own time comes!

Terpsion Now I think of it, it would be a satisfaction if Charoeades were to die before him.

Pluto Charoeades! My dear Terpsion, Phido, Melanthus,— every one of them will be here before Thucritus,—all victims of this same anxiety!

Terpsion That is as it should be. Hold on, Thucritus!

Zenophantus Ah, Callidemides, and how did you come by your end? As for me, I was free of Dinias’s table, and there died of a surfeit; but that is stale news; you were there, of course.

Callidemides Yes, I was. Now there was an element of surprise about my fate. I suppose you know that old Ptoeodorus?

Zenophantus The rich man with no children, to whom you gave most of your company?

Callidemides That is the man; he had promised to leave me his heir, and I used to show my appreciation. However, it went on such a time; Tithonus was a juvenile to him; so I found a short cut to my property. I bought a potion, and agreed with the butler that next time his master called for wine (he is a pretty stiff drinker) he should have this ready in a cup and present it; and I was pledged to reward the man with his freedom.

Zenophantus And what happened? this is interesting.

Callidemides When we came from bath, the young fellow had two cups ready, one with the poison for Ptoeodorus, and the other for me; but by some blunder he handed me the poisoned cup,

and Ptoeodorus the plain; and behold, before he had done drinking, there was I sprawling on the ground, a vicarious corpse! Why are you laughing so, Zenophantus? I am your friend; such mirth is unseemly.

Zenophantus Well, it was such a humorous exit. And how did the old man behave?

Callidemides He was dreadfully distressed for the moment; then he saw, I suppose, and laughed as much as you over the butler’s trick,

Zenophantus Ah, short cuts are no better for you than for other people, you see; the high road would have been safer, if not quite so quick.

Cnemon Why, ’tis the proverb fulfilled! The fawn hath taken the lion.

Damasias What’s the matter, Cnemon?

Cnemon The matter! I have been fooled, miserably fooled. I have passed over all whom I should have liked to make my heirs, and left my money to the wrong man.

Damasias How was that?

Cnemon I had been speculating on the death of Hermolaus, the millionaire. He had no children, and my attentions had been well received by him. I thought it would be a good idea to let him know that I had made my will in his favour, on the chance of its exciting his emulation.

Damasias Yes; and Hermolaus?

Cnemon What his will was, I don’t know. I died suddenly,— the roof came down about my ears; and now Hermolaus is my heir The pike has swallowed hook and bait.

Damasias And your anglership into the bargain. The pit that you digged for other....

Cnemon That’s about the truth of the matter, confound it.