Dialogues of the Dead (5.2-6.3)

Ah, but you never saw the woman alive, Menippus, or you would have said yourself that it was forgivable that they “for such a lady long should suffer woe”. [*] For if one sees flowers that are dried up and faded, they will, of course, appear ugly; but when they are in bloom and have their colour, they are very beautiful.

Well, Hermes, what does surprise me is this: that the Achaeans didn’t know how short-lived a thing they strove for, and how soon it loses its bloom.

I have no time to moralise with you, Menippus. Choose a place to lie down in, wherever you like, and I’ll be off now to fetch the other shades.

I ask you, Aeacus, in the name of Pluto, to conduct me round every thing in Hades.

It’s not easy to do it all, Menippus, but I’ll show you the chief things. This is Cerberus, as you know, and on your way in you’ve already seen the ferryman here who brought you over, and the lake and Pyriphlegethon.

I know all that and that you are the gate-keeper, and I’ve seen the king and the Furies. But show me the men of old, and particularly the famous ones.

This is Agamemnon, and this Achilles, here is Idomeneus close by, and here Odysseus, then come Ajax, Diomede and the finest of the Greeks.

Dear me, Homer, how the central figures of your epics have been cast to the ground and lie unrecognisable and ugly, all so much dust and rubbish, “strengthless heads” [*] in very truth! But who is this, Aeacus?

Cyrus, and this is Croesus, and the one beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond them Midas, and that one is Xerxes.

Then you, you scum, were the terror of Hellas? You bridged the Hellespont, and wanted to sail through the mountains? [*] And what a sight Croesus is! And, Aeacus, let me slap the face of Sardanapalus.

Don’t, you’re breaking his skull; it’s as weak as a woman’s.

Then at least I’ll have a good spit at him, since he’s as much woman as man.

Would you like me to show you the Philosophers?

Oh yes, please.

Here first you have Pythagoras.

Good day to you, Euphorbus or Apollo, or whatever name you prefer. [*]

And a bad day to you, Menippus.

Don’t you still have your thigh of gold? [*]

No; but let me see if there’s anything to eat in your wallet.

Beans, my good fellow—something you mustn’t eat.

Just give me some. Doctrines are different among the dead; I’ve learnt that beans and parents’ heads [*] are not the same thing here.