Dialogues of the Dead (29.1-30.1)

DIOGENES

Why, Carian, are you so proud, and expect to be honoured above all of us?

MAUSOLUS

Firstly, Sinopean, because of my royal position. I was king of all Caria, ruler also of part of Lydia, subdued some islands, too, and advanced as far as Miletus, subjugating most of Ionia. Moreover, I was

handsome and tall and mighty in war. But, most important of all, I have lying over me in Halicarnassus a vast memorial, outdoing that of any other of the dead not only in size but also in its finished beauty, with horses and men reproduced most perfectly in the fairest marble, so that it would be difficult to find even a temple like it. Don’t you think I’ve a right to be proud of these things?

DIOGENES

Of your royal position, you say, and your beauty, and the weight of your tomb?

MAUSOLUS

Good heavens, yes.

DIOGENES

But, my handsome Mausolus, the strength and the beauty you mention aren’t still with you here. If we chose a judge of beauty, I can’t see why your skull should be thought better than mine. Both of them are bald and bare, both of us show our teeth in the same way, and have lost our eyes, and have snub noses now. Perhaps your tomb and all that costly marble may give the people of Halicarnassus something to show off, and they can boast to strangers of the magnificent building they have, but I can’t see what good it is to you, my good fellow, unless you’re claiming that, with all that marble pressing down on you, you have a heavier burden to bear than any of us.

MAUSOLUS

Will all that, then, be of no good to me? Will Mausolus and Diogenes be on an equal footing?

DIOGENES

No indeed, your excellency; we shan’t be on an equal footing. Mausolus will groan when he remembers the things on earth above, which he thought brought him happiness, while Diogenes will be able to laugh at him. Mausolus will talk of the tomb erected to him at Halicarnassus by his wife and sister, Artemisia, whereas Diogenes has no idea whether he even has a tomb for his body, for he didn’t care about that, but he has left for the best of those who come after the report that he has lived the life of a man, a life, most servile of Carians, that towers above your memorial, and is built on surer foundations.

NIREUS

Look, here’s Menippus, who will decide which of us is more handsome. Tell us, Menippus, don’t you think I am?

MENIPPUS

Whoever are you both? I ought to know that first, I suppose.

NIREUS

NIreus and Thersites.

MENIPPUS

Well, which is NIreus, and which Thersites? That’s still not clear.

THERSITES

That’s already one point in my favour, if I’m like you, and you don’t have the great superiority for which Homer the blind praised you, when he called you the most handsome of them all; I, with my sugarloaf head, and thin hair, [*] seemed just as good-looking as you to Minos; but you, Menippus, take a good look to see which you think more handsome.

IREUS

Me, son of Charops and Aglaea, “handsomest man of all who came to Troy”. [*]