Dialogues of the Dead (19.4-20.3)

And who was the heir under your final will? One of your family, no doubt?

Good heavens no; it was a pretty boy from Phrygia I’d just bought.

What sort of age was he?

Roughly about twenty.

Now I understand how he won your favour.

Oh well, he deserved to be my heir much more than they did, even if he was a barbarian and a pest. He’s already being courted by the noblest of them all. So he became my heir, and is now numbered among the aristocrats, and, despite his smooth chin and foreign accent, is credited with bluer blood than Codrus, greater beauty than NIreus, and more intelligence than Odysseus.

That doesn’t worry me. Let him even be Generalissimo of Greece, if he wishes to, so long as those fellows don’t inherit.

Let me tell you how you stand; your boat is small, as you can see, and unsound, and leaks almost all over; if it lists one way or the other, it will capsize and sink. Yet you come in such numbers all at once, each of you laden with luggage. If, then,

Well, what shall we do to have a good passage?

I’ll tell you. Strip yourselves before you come on board, and leave all this useless stuff on the shore; for, even then, the ferry will hardly hold you. It will be up to you, Hermes, to let none of them aboard after this, unless he has stripped himself and thrown away his trappings, as I said he must. Go and stand by the gangway, and sort them out for admission. Make them strip, before you let them on board.

Well spoken. Let’s do as you say. Who’s this first one?

I’m Menippus. But see, here’s my bag for you, Hermes, and my stick; into the water with them. My cloak I didn’t even bring—and a good job too!

Come on board, Menippus, best of men, and take the seat of honour up beside the steersman, so that you can keep an eye on the others.

And who’s this handsome fellow?

Charmoleos, the darling of Megara, whose kiss was worth two talents.

Then off with your beauty and your lips, kisses and all, your luxuriant hair, your rosy cheeks and all your skin; that’s fine, now you’re travelling light, and may come on board.