Dialogues of the Dead (15.2-16.3)

HERMES

That will be an amusing fate for the rascals to suffer.

PLUTO

He himself often leads them up the garden path with great skill, and has hopes of his own. In fact, though he always looks “close to death’s dark vale”, [*] he’s a lot healthier than the young men. But they’ve already divided up his property amongst themselves and batten on it, thinking a life of bliss is already theirs. So, let him cast off his old age like Iolaus, [*] and grow young again, and let them leave behind the wealth they dreamed of, and in the midst of their hopes come here forthwith, dying the sorry death they deserve.

HERMES

Don’t worry, Pluto. I’ll start fetching them for you now, one after the other. There are seven of them, I think.

PLUTO

Drag them down, and he’ll change from old age to the prime of youth, and attend each of the funerals.

TERPSION

Is this just, Pluto? Me to die at thirty, and old Thucritus, already over ninety, to go on living?

PLUTO

Perfectly just, Terpsion; he lives on without praying for the death of any of his friends, but you spent all your time plotting against him and waiting for his possessions.

TERPSION

Well, oughtn’t an old man like him, who can no longer make use of his wealth, to depart from life and make way for young men?

PLUTO

I never heard the like of this edict of yours, Terpsion, requiring the death of anyone who can no longer use his wealth on pleasure. But Fate and Nature have arranged things otherwise.

TERPSION

Then I object to the present arrangement. It ought to be a matter of turn, with the oldest man first, and after him the next oldest, without the slightest change in the order. Your Methuselah shouldn’t live on, when he has no more than three teeth still left, and is scarcely able to see, supported by four servants, with his nose always running and his eyes bleary, past knowing any of the pleasures

of life, a living tomb laughed at by the young men. He shouldn’t live, while handsome lusty young men die. That’s as unnatural as “rivers running backwards ”. [*] The young men ought at least to know when each old man is going to die, so that they wouldn’t waste their attentions upon some of them. But at present, it’s just one more case of the proverbial cart coming before the horse.

PLUTO

Things are done much more sensibly than you think, Terpsion. Tell me now, what makes you gape with greed at other people’s property, and foist yourselves upon childless old men? As a result you provide a good laugh, if your burial comes before theirs, and most folk find the situation really delightful. The more you pray for their death, the more delighted people are, if you die first; for there’s never been anything like this art you’ve invented, with your love for old men and women, and for the childless ones in particular, while those with children inspire no love in your hearts. However, many of those you love have seen through the wickedness behind your affection, and, even if they have children, they pretend to hate them, so that they too may have their own lovers. But later, when the wills are read, the bodyguard, for all their years of service, are excluded, and the sons and Nature herself, as is only right, prevail over all of them, and they gnash their teeth in secret at having been made to look such fools.