The Scythian or Consul (16-20)

Well then, please teach me this first, how, right at the beginning, we can distinguish the best, the true philosophy, the one we must choose, leaving aside the others.

I will tell you. I saw that most people took to this one, so I guessed it was the best.

How many more Stoics are there than Epicureans or Platonists or Peripatetics? You obviously took a count of them as in a show of hands.

I didn’t count. I made an estimate.

So you are not prepared to teach me. You are cheating when you tell me you decide such a matter by guesswork and weight of numbers. You’re hiding the truth from me.

It wasn’t just that, Lycinus. I also heard everybody saying that the Epicureans were sensual and lovers of pleasure, that the Peripatetics loved riches and wrangling, and that the Platonists were puffed up and loved glory. But a lot of people said that the Stoics were manly and understood everything and that the man who went this way was the only king, the only rich man, the only wise man, and everything rolled into one.

These were obviously other people’s opinions on the schools. You wouldn’t have simply believed the respective adherents when they praised their own schools.

Certainly not; these were other people’s opinions.

Not their rivals’ opinions, I suppose?

No.

Laymen’s opinions?

Yes.

You see how once again you are cheating me and not telling the truth. You think you are talking with some Margites [*] who is ready to believe that Hermotimus, an intelligent man forty years of age, on philosophy and philosophers believed the opinions of laymen and made his choice of the better creed accordingly. I refuse to believe you when you say things like that.

But you know, Lycinus, I did rely on myself as well as others. I used to see the Stoics walking with dignity, decently dressed, always thoughtful, manly in looks, most of them close-cropped; there was nothing effeminate, none of that exaggerated indifference which stamps the genuine crazy Cynic.

Did you see them behaving also as I said just now I saw your master behaving, Hermotimus? I mean lending money and making bitter demands to be repaid, quarrelsome and most contentious in conversations and generally showing off as they usually do? Or is this of little importance to you, so long as the dress is decent, the beard long, and the hair close-cropped? Then this is to be our strict rule and law for the future in these matters according to Hermotimus: we are to distinguish the best men by their appearance, their walk, and their hair, and whosoever has not these signs and does not look sulky and meditative is to be spurned and rejected!

You’re surely making fun of me, Hermotimus; you’re trying to see if I can spot the catch.

Why do you say that?

Because, my dear friend, this test of yours from appearances is for statues. They at any rate are much more prepossessing and comely in their dress, if a Phidias or Alcamenes or Myron has made them in the most handsome style. But if these are the surest, critical tests, what would a blind man do if he wanted to take up philosophy? How does he recognise the one who has made the better choice—he can see neither bearing nor gait?

My argument is not addressed to the blind, Lycinus, and I have no interest in them.

But, my good sir, there should be some accepted criterion in matters so important and valuable to everyone. However, if you prefer, let the blind keep clear of philosophy since they cannot see—yet they of all people really should take up philosophy: then they would not be completely overwhelmed by their misfortune. Well then, those who can see: however sharp-sighted they may be, what can they detect of the qualities of the soul from this outer covering?

What I wish to say is this: was it not love of the mind of these men that attracted you to them, and didn’t you expect to be improved in your mental powers?

Most certainly.

Then how could you distinguish the true philosopher from the false by the marks you mentioned? Such things are not usually shown in that way; they are secret and not visible, showing themselves in conversation and discussion and corresponding action, and then only with difficulty and after a long period. You have heard, I suppose, what faults Momus found in Hephaestus; if not I’ll tell you. The story goes that Athena, Poseidon, and Hephaestus were quarrelling over which of them was the best artist. Poseidon modelled a bull, Athena designed a house, while Hephaestus, it seems, put together a man. When

You are joking, Lycinus. I chose with God’s help and I have no regrets.