Lexiphanes (1-5)

Lycinus What, our exquisite with his essay?

Lexiphanes Ah, Lycinus, ’tis but a fledgeling of mine; ’tis all incondite.

Lycinus O ho, conduits—that is your subject, is it?

Lexiphanes You mistake me; I said nothing of conduits; you are behind the times; incondite—’tis the word we use now when a thing lacks the finishing touches. But you are the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears.

Lycinus I beg your pardon, my dear fellow; but conduit, incondite, you know. Well now, what is the idea of your piece?

Lexiphanes A symposium, a modest challenge to the son of Ariston.

Lycinus There are a good many sons of Aristons; but, from the symposium, I presume you mean Plato.

Lexiphanes You take me; what I said could fit no other.

Lycinus Well, come, read me a little of it; do not send me away thirsty; I see there is nectar in store.

Lexiphanes Ironist, avaunt! And now open your ears to my charming; adder me no adders.

Lycinus Go ahead; I am no Adam, nor Eve either.

Lexiphanes Have an eye to my conduct of the discourse, whether it be fair in commencement, fair in speech, fair in diction, fair in omenclature.

Lycinus Oh, we know what to expect from Lexiphanes. But come, begin.

Lexiphanes ‘Then to dinner, quoth Callicles, ‘then to our post-prandial deambulation in the Lyceum; but now ’tis time for our parasolar unction, ere we bask and bathe and take our nuncheon; go we our way. Now, boy, strigil and mat, towels and soap; transport me them bathwards, and see to the bath-penny; you will find st a-ground by the chest. And thou, Lexiphanes, comest thou, or tarriest here?? Tis a thousand years, quoth I, ‘till I bathe; for I am in no comfort, with sore posteriors from my mulesaddle. Trod the mule-man as on eggs, yet kept his beast a-moving. And when I got to the farm, still no peace for the wicked. I found the hinds shrilling the harvest-song, and there were persons burying my father, I think it was. I just gave them a hand with the grave and things, and then I left them; it was so cold, and I had prickly heat; one does, you know, in a hard frost. So I went round the plough-lands; and there I found garlic growing, delved radishes, culled chervil and all herbs, bought parched barley, and (for not yet had the meadows reached the redolency that tempts the ten toes)—so to mule-back again; whence this

tenderness behind. And now I walk with pain, and the sweat runs down; my bones languish, and yearn for the longest of water-swims; tts ever my joy to wash me after toil.

‘I will speed back to my boy; tis like he waits for me at the pease-puddingry, or the curiosity shop; yet stay; his instructions were to meet me at the frippery. Ah, hither comes he in the nick of time: ay, and has purchased a beesting-pudding and girdle-cakes and leeks, sausages and steak, dewlap and tripe and collops.—Good, Atticion, you have made most of my journey no thoroughfare.

‘Why, sir, I have been looking round the corner for you till I squint. Where dined you yesterday? with Onomacritus?’ ‘God bless me, no. I was off to the country; hey presto! and there we were. You know how I dote on the country. I suppose you all thought I was making the glasses ring. Now go in, and spice all these things, and scour the kneading-trough, ready to shred the lettuces. I shall be off for a dry rub.’

‘We are with you,' cried Philinus, ‘Onomarchus, Hellanicus, and I; the dial’s mid point is in shadow; beware, or we shall bathe in the Carimants’ water, huddled and pushed by the vulgar herd.” Then said Hellanicus: ‘Ah, and my eyes are disordered; my pupils are turbid, I wink and blink, the tears come unbidden, my eyes crave the ophthalmic leech’s healing drug, mortar-brayed and infused, that they may blush and blear no more, nor motstly peer.'

In such wise conversing, all our company departed.

Arrived at the gymnasium, we stripped; the finger-wrench, the garotte, the standing-grip, each had tts votaries; one otled and suppled his joints; another punched the bladder; a third heaved and swung the dumb-bells. Then, when we had rubbed ourselves, and ridden pick-a-back, and had our sport of the gymnasium, we took our plunge, Philinus and I, in the warm basin, and departed. But the rest dipped frigid heads, soused in, and swam subaqueous, a wonder to behold. Then back we came, and one here, one there, did this and that. Shod, with toothed comb I combed me. For I had had a short crop, not to convict-measure, but saucer-wise,

depilation having set in om crown and chin-tip. One chewed lupines, another cleared his fasting throat, a third took fish soup on radish-wafer sippets; this ate olives, that supped down barley.