The Runaways (31-33)

HUSBAND Dear me, wife! how outrageously you have been treated by all those dogs! It is even said that they have lined her.

HERMES No fear, you will soon have her bringing into the world a Cerberus or a Geryon, to make more work for Heracles here.[*]—But they are coming out, so there is no need to knock at the door. FIRST SLAVE-OWNER I’ve got you, Scarabee! Now you have nothing to say, have you? Come, let us see what your wallet. has in it, lupines, no doubt, or a crust of bread. No, by Zeus! A purse of gold!

HERACLES Don’t be surprised! Formerly, in Greece, he claimed to be a Cynic, but here he reveals himself in his true colours as a Chrysippean. Therefore you

shall soon see him a Cleanthes, for he is going to be hung up by the beard because he is such a villain.[*]

SECOND SLAVE-OWNER And you, scoundrel! are you not Pomander, who ran away from me? Nobody else! O how you make me laugh! After that, what cannot happen? Even Pomander a philosopher!

HERMES This third fellow—has he no master among you? THIRD SLAVE-OWNER Yes, I am his master, but even so, I gladly consign him to perdition! Why?

HERMES THIRD SLAVE-OWNER Because he is a fearful sort of rotter. The name we used to call him was Stinkadore.

HERMES Heracles, deliver us! do you hear that? And then wallet and staff! Here, you! (to HusBaNpD) Take away your wife, yourself!

HUSBAND Never in the world! I don’t care to take her away with an old book under her apron.

HERMES Book? What do you mean?

HUSBAND My dear fellow, there is a book called Tricipitine.[*] HERMES Nothing surprising in that, as there is one called Triphallic.[*]

PHILOSOPHY It is for you, Hermes, to give judgement now.

HERMES This is my decision. As for the woman, to insure against her bringing into the world anything portentous or many-headed, she shall go back to Greece to live with her husband. This pair of runaway slaves shall be turned over to their masters and continue to learn their former trades; Pomander to wash dirty linen, Stinkadore once again to mend torn cloaks; but first they shall both be beaten with mallows.[*] Finally, this fellow (to scaRABEE)

shall be turned over to the pitch-plasterers, so that he may be murdered by having his hair pulled out, and with filthy, nasty pitch, besides; then he shall be taken to the summit of Haemus and left standing there naked in the snow with his feet tied together.

SCARABEE Ah, woe is me! Oh, oh! Alackaday! FIRST SLAVE-OWNER Why are you lugging in that quotation out of those melodramatic discourses of yours? Come along with me to the pitch-plasterers now; but first strip off that lion skin, that you may be known for the ass that you are.