Alexander the False Prophet (46-50)

That man, then, was thus dealt with. Moreover, if in any case, when men were called up in the order of their applications (which took place the day before the prophecies were given out) and the herald enquired: “Has he a prophecy for So-and-so,” the reply came from within: “To the ravens,” nobody would ever again receive such a person under his roof or give him fire or water, but he had to be harried from country to country as an impious man, an atheist, and an Epicurean—which, indeed, was their strongest term of abuse.

One of Alexander’s acts in this connection was most comical. Hitting upon the “Established Beliefs’ of Epicurus, which is the finest of his books, as you know, and contains in summary the articles of the man’s philosophic creed,[*] he brought it into the middle of the market-place, burned it on fagots of fig-wood just as if he were burning the man in person, and threw the ashes into the sea, even adding an oracle also:

Burn with fire, I command you, the creed of a purblind dotard!

But the scoundrel had no idea what blessings that book creates for its readers and what peace, tranquillity, and freedom it engenders in them, liberating them as it does from terrors and apparitions and portents, from vain hopes and extravagant cravings, developing in them intelligence and truth, and truly purifying their understanding, not with torches and squills and that sort of foolery, but with straight thinking, truthfulness and frankness.

Of all his bold emprises, however, let me tell you one, the greatest. Since he had no slight influence in the palace and at court through the favour which Rutilianus enjoyed, he published an oracle at the height of the war in Germany, when the late Emperor Marcus himself had at last come to grips with the Marcomanni and Quadi. The oracle recommended that two lions be cast into the Danube alive, together with a quantity of perfumes and

magnificent offerings. But it will be better to repeat the oracle itself.

Into the pools of the Ister, the stream that from Zeus taketh issue,

Hurl, I command you, a pair of Cybele’s faithful attendants,

Beasts that dwell on the mountains, and all that the Indian climate

Yieldeth of flower and herb that is fragrant; amain there shall follow

Victory and great glory, and welcome peace in their footsteps.

But when all this had been done as he had directed, the lions swam across to the enemy territory and the barbarians slaughtered them with clubs, thinking them some kind of foreign dogs or wolves; and “amain” that tremendous disaster befel our side, in which a matter of twenty thousand were wiped [out ata blow. Then came what happened at Aquileia, and that city’s narrow escape from capture. To meet this issue, Alexander was flat enough to adduce the Delphian defence in the matter of the oracle given to Croesus, that the God had indeed foretold victory, but had not indicated whether it would go to the Romans or to the enemy.[*]

As by this time throngs upon throngs were pouring in and their city was becoming overcrowded on account of the multitude of visitors to the shrine, so that it had not sufficient provisions, he devised

the so-called “nocturnal” responses. Taking the scrolls, he slept on them, so he said, and gave replies that he pretended to have heard from the god in a dream; which, however, were in most cases not clear but ambiguous and confused, particularly when he observed that the scroll had been sealed up with unusual care. Taking no extra chances, he would append at random whatever answer came into his head, thinking that this procedure too was appropriate to oracles; and there were certain expounders who sat by with that in view and garnered large fees from the recipients of such oracles for explaining and unriddling them. Moreover, this task of theirs was subject to a levy; the expounders paid Alexander an Attic talent each.

Sometimes, to amaze dolts, he would deliver an oracle for the benefit of someone who had neither enquired nor sent—who, in fact, did not exist at all. For example:

Seek thou out that man who in utmost secrecy shrouded

Tumbleth at home on the couch thy helpmeet Calligeneia,

Slave Protogenes, him upon whom thou fully reliest.

He was corrupted by thee, and now thy wife he corrupteth,

Making a bitter return unto thee for his own violation.

Aye more, now against thee a baneful charm they have fashioned

So that thou mayst not hear nor see what deeds they are doing;

v.4.p.241

This shalt thou find on the floor, beneath thy bed, by the wall-side,:

Close to the head; thy servant Calypso shareth the secret.”

What Democritus[*] would not have been disturbed on hearing names and places specified—and would not have been filled with contempt soon afterward, when he saw through their stratagem?