The Parasite: a Demonstration that Sponging is a Profession (56-60)

Again, no one can accuse a sponger of adultery, violence, rape, or in fact of any crime whatsoever. One guilty of such offences will not be sponging, but ruining himself. If he is caught in adultery, his style thenceforth is taken from his offence. Just as a piece of cowardice brings a man not repute, but disrepute, so, I take it, the sponger who commits an offence loses his previous title and gets in exchange that proper to the offence. Of such offences on the part of rhetoricians and philosophers, on the other hand, we have not only abundant examples in our own time, but records against the ancients in their own writings. There is an Apology of Socrates, of Aeschines, of - Hyperides, of Demosthenes, and indeed of most of their kind. There is no sponger’s apology extant, and you will never hear of anybody’s bringing a suit against one.

Now I suppose you will tell me that the sponger’s life may be better than theirs, but his death is worse. Not a bit of it; it is a far happier one. We know very well that all or most philosophers have had the wretched fate they deserved, some by poison after condemnation for heinous crimes, some by burning alive, some by strangury, some in exile. No one can adduce a sponger’s death to match these; he eats and drinks, and dies

Tychiades I must say, you have done well for your kind against the philosophers. And now look at it from the patron’s point of view; does he get his money’s worth? It strikes me the rich man does the kindness, confers the favour, finds the food, and it is all a little discreditable to the man who takes them.

Simon Now, really, Tychiades, that is rather silly of you. Can you not see that a rich man, if he had the gold of Gyges, is yet poor as long as he dines alone, and no better than a tramp if he goes abroad unattended? A soldier without his arms, a dress without its purple, a horse without its trappings, are poor things; and a rich man without his sponger is a mean, cheap spectacle. The sponger gives lustre to the patron, never the patron to the other.

Moreover, none of the reproach that you imagine attaches to sponging; you refer, of course, to the difference in their degrees; but then it is an advantage to the rich man to keep the other; apart from his ornamental use, he is a most valuable bodyguard. In battle no one will be over ready to undertake the rich man with such a comrade at his side; and you can hardly, having him, die by poison. Who would dare attempt such a thing, with him tasting your food and drink? So he brings you not only credit, but insurance. His affection is such that he will run all risks; he would never leave his patron to face the dangers of the table alone; no, he would rather eat and die with him.

Tychiades You have stated your case without missing a point, Simon. Do not tell me you were unprepared again; you have been trained in a good school, man. But one thing more I should like to know. There is a nasty sound about the word sponger, don’t you think?

Simon See whether I have a satisfactory answer to that. Oblige

Tychiades Getting your dinner at some one else’s expense.

Simon Dining out, in fact?

Tychiades Yes.

Simon And we may call a sponger an out-diner?

Tychiades The gravamen’s in that; he should dine at home.

Simon A few more answers, please. Of these pairs, which do you consider the best?. Which would you take, if you had the choice?—To sail, or to out-sail?

Tychiades The latter.

Simon To run or out-run?

Tychiades The latter.

Simon Ride or out-ride, shoot or out-shoot?

Tychiades Still the same.

Simon So I presume an out-diner is better than a diner?

Tychiades Indisputable. Henceforward I shall come to you morne ing and afternoon like a schoolboy for lessons, And I am sure you ought to do your very best for me, as your first pupil. The first child is always the mother’s joy, you know.[*]