The Double Indictment (11-15)

Justice And, Pan,—have they become more virtuous under the hands of the philosophers?

Pan Philosophers? Oh! people with beards just like mine; sepulchral beings, who are always getting together and jabbering?

Justice Those are they.

Pan I can’t understand a word they say; their philosophy is too much forme. I am mountain-bred; smart city-language is not in my line; sophists and philosophers are not known in Arcadia. I ama good hand at flute or pipe; I can mind goats, I can dance, I can fight at a pinch, and that is all. But I hear them all day long, bawling out a string of hard words about virtue, and nature, and ideas, and things incorporeal. They are good enough friends when the argument begins, but their voices mount higher and higher as they go on, and end in a scream; they get more and more excited, and all try to speak at once; they grow red in the face, their necks swell, and their veins stand out, for all the world like a flute-player on a high note. The argument is turned upside down, they forget what they are trying to prove, and finally go off abusing one another and brushing the sweat from their brows; victory rests with him who can show the boldest front and the loudest voice, and hold his ground the longest. The people, especially those who have nothing better to do, adore them, and stand spellbound under their confident bawlings. For all that I could see, they were no better than humbugs, and I was none too pleased at their copying my beard. If there were any use in their noise, if the talking did any good to the public, I should not have a word to say against them: but, to tell you the plain unvarnished truth, I have more than once looked out from my peep-hole yonder and seen them—

Justice Hush, Pan: was not that Hermes making the proclamation?

Pan I thought so.

Hermes Be it known to all men that we purpose on this seventh day of March to hold a court of justice, and Fortune defend the right / All litigant parties to assemble on Areopagus, where Fustice will assign the juries and preside over the trials in person. The juries to be taken from the whole Athenian people; the pay to be sixpence

for each case s the number of jurors to vary with the nature of the accusation. Any parties who had commenced legal proceedings and have died in the interim to be sent up by Aeacus. Any party doubting the justice of bis sentence may appeal; the appeal to be heard by Zeus.

Pan Talk about noise! how they shout! And what a hurry they are in to get here! See how one hales another up the hill! Here comes Hermes himself. Well, I leave you to your juries and your evidence; you are accustomed to it. I will return to my cave, and there play over one of those amorous ditties with which I love to upbraid Echo. As to rhetoric and law-pleadings, I hear enough of those every day in this very court of Areopagus.

Hermes We had better summon the parties, Justice.

Justice True. Only look at the crowd, bustling and buzzing about the hilltop like a swarm of wasps!

First Athenian I've got you, curse you.

Second Athenian Pooh! a trumped-up charge.

Third Athenian At last! you shall get your deserts this time.

Fourth Athenian Your villany shall be unmasked.

Fifth Athenian My jury first, Hermes.

Sixth Athenian Come along: into court with you, rascal.

Seventh Athenian You needn’t throttle me.

Justice Do you know what I think we had better do, Hermes? Put off all the other cases for to-morrow, and only take to-day the charges brought by Arts, Professions, and Philosophies. Pick me out all of that kind.

Hermes Drink v. the Academy, re Polemon, kidnapped.

Justice Seven jurors.

Hermes Porch v. Pleasure. Defendant is charged with seducing Dionysius, plaintiffs admirer.

Justice Five will do for that.

Hermes Luxury v. Virtue, re Aristippus.

Justice Five again.

Hermes Bank v. Diogenes, alleged to have run away from plaintiffs service.

Justice Three only.

Hermes Painting v. Pyrrho. Desertion from the ranks.

Justice That will want nine.

Hermes What about these two charges just brought against a thetorician?

Justice No, those can stand over; we must work off the arrears first.

Hermes Well, these cases are of just the same kind. They are not old ones, it is true, but they are very like those you have taken, and might fairly be heard with them.

Justice That looks rather like favouritism, Hermes, However, as you like; only these must be the last; we have got quite enough. What are they?

Hermes Rhetoric v. a Syrian[*], for neglect; Dialogue v, the same, for assault.

Justice And who is this Syrian? There is no name given.

Hermes That is all: the Syrian rhetorician; he can have a jury without having a name.

Justice So! here on Areopagus I am to give juries to outsiders, who ought to be tried on the other side of the Euphrates? Well, give him eleven, and they can hear both cases.

Hermes That’s right; it will save a lot of expense.

Justice First case: the Academy versus Drink. Let the jury take their seats. Mark the time, Hermes, Drink, open the case.... Not a word? can you do nothing but nod?— Hermes, go and see what is the matter with her.

Hermes She says she cannot plead, she would only be laughed at; wine has tied her tongues As you see, she can hardly stand.

Justice Well, there are plenty of able counsel present, ready to shout themselves hoarse for sixpence; let her employ one of them.

Hermes No one will have anything to do with such a client in open court. But she makes a very reasonable proposal.

Justice Yes?

Hermes The Academy is always ready to take both sides; she makes a point of contradicting herself plausibly. ‘Let her speak first on my behalf,’ says Drink, ‘and then on her own.’

Justice A novel form of procedure. However, goon, Academy; speak on both sides, if you find it so easy.