The Double Indictment (31-35)

HERMES

Seeing that she was no longer modest and did not continue to clothe herself in the respectable way that she did once when Demosthenes took her to wife, but made herself up, arranged her hair like a courtesan, put on rouge, and darkened her eyes underneath, I became suspicious at once and secretly took note where she directed her glances. I pass over everything else, but every night our street was full of maudlin lovers coming to serenade her, knocking at the door, and sometimes even venturing to force an entrance in disorderly fashion. She herself laughed and enjoyed these performances, and generally, when she heard them singing lovesongs in a hoarse voice, she either peeped over the edge of the roof or else even slyly opened the windows, thinking that I would not notice it, and then. wantoned and intrigued with them. I could not stand this, and as I did not think it best to bring an action for divorce against her on the ground of adultery, I went to Dialogue, who lived near by, and requested him to take me in.

HERMES

That is the great injustice that I have done Oratory. After all, even if she had not acted as she did, it would have been proper that I, a man already about forty years of age, should take my leave of her

stormy scenes and lawsuits, should let the gentlemen of the jury rest in peace, refraining from accusations of tyrants and laudations of princes, and should betake myself to the Academy or the Lyceum to walk about with this excellent person . Dialogue while we converse quietly without feeling any need of praise and applause. Though I have much to say, I will stop now. Cast your vote in accordance with your oath. (The votes are counted.)

JUSTICE

Who is the winner?

HERMES

The Syrian, with every vote but one.

JUSTICE

Very likely it was a public speaker who cast the vote against him.

JUSTICE

Let Dialogue plead before the same jury. (To the Jurors) Wait, and you shall get double pay for the two cases.

DIALOGUE

For my part, gentlemen of the jury, I should prefer not to make you along speech, but to discuss the matter a little at a time, as is my wont. Nevertheless I will make my complaint in the way that is customary in courts of law, although I am completely uninformed and inexperienced in such matters. Please consider this my introduction. The wrongs done me and the insults put upon me by this man are these. I was formerly dignified, and pondered upon the gods and nature and the cycle of the universe, treading the air[*] high up above the

clouds where “great Zeus in heaven driving his winged car”[*] sweeps on; but he dragged me down when I was already soaring above the zenith. and mounting on “heaven’s back,”[*] and broke my wings, putting me on the same level as the common herd. Moreover, he took away from me the respectable tragic mask that I had, and put another upon me that is comic, satyr-like, and almost ridiculous. Then he unceremoniously permed me up with Jest and Satire and Cynicism and Eupolis and Aristophanes, terrible men for mocking all that is holy and scoffing at all that is right. At last he even dug up and thrust in upon me Menippus, a prehistoric dog,[*] with a very loud bark, it seems, and sharp fangs, a really dreadful dog who bites unexpectedly because he grins when he bites. Have I not been dreadfully maltreated, when I no longer occupy my proper réle but play the comedian and the buffoon and act out extraordinary plots for him? What is most monstrous of all, I have been turned into a surprising blend, for I am neither afoot nor ahorseback, neither prose nor verse, but seem to my hearers a strange phenomenon made up of. different elements, like a Centaur.[*]

HERMES

What are you going to say to this, Master Syrian? THE SYRIAN Gentlemen of the jury, the suit that I am contesting now before you is unexpected. In fact, I should

have looked for anything else in the world sooner than that Dialogue should say such things about. me. When I took him in hand, he was still dour, as most people thought, and had been reduced to a skeleton through continual questions. In that guise he seemed awe-inspiring, to be sure, but not in any way attractive or agreeable to the public. So first of all I got him into the way of walking on the ground like a human being; afterwards by washing off all his accumulated grime and forcing him to smile, I made him more agreeable to those who saw him: and on top of all that, I paired him with Comedy, and in this way too procured him great favour from his hearers, who formerly feared his prickles and avoided taking hold of him as if he were a sea-urchin.

I know, however, what hurts him most. It is that I do not sit and quibble with him about those obscure, subtle themes of his, like “whether the soul is immortal,” and “when God made the world, how many pints of pure, changeless substance he poured into the vessel in which he concocted the universe,”[*] and “whether rhetoric is the false counterpart of a subdivision of political science, the fourth form of parasitic occupation.”[*] Somehow he delights in dissecting such problems, just as people like to scratch where it itches. Reflection is sweet to him, and he sets great store by himself if they say that not everyone can grasp his penetrating speculations about “ideas.”

That is what he expects of me, naturally; and he demands those wings of his and gazes on high without

seeing what lies at his feet. As far as the rest of it goes, he cannot complain, I am sure, that I have stripped him of that Greek mantle and shifted him into a foreign one, even though I myself am considered foreign. Indeed I should be doing wrong to transgress in that way against him. and to steal away his native costume. I have made the best defence that I can. Please cast the same ballot as before. (The votes are counted.)

HERMES

Well, well! You win by all of ten votes! The same one who voted against you before will not vote as the rest even now. Without doubt it is a habit, and the man always casts the ballot that has a hole in it.[*] I hope he will keep onenvying men of standing. Well, go your ways, and good luck to you. To-morrow we shall try the rest of the cases.