The Double Indictment (21-25)

EPICURUS

I shall not address you at length, gentlemen of the jury, for I myself do not need many words. If Pleasure had used charms or philtres to constrain Dionysius, whom Stoa claims to be her lover, to desert Stoa and to centre his regard upon her, she might fairly have been held a sorceress and might have been found guilty of using undue influence upon the lovers of others. But suppose a free man in a free city, unstopped by the laws, hating the tedium of life with her and thinking that the happiness which comes, she says, as the consummation of pain is stuff and nonsense, made his escape from her thorny, labyrinthine reasonings and ran away to Pleasure of his own free will, cutting the meshes of

her logic as if they weré bonds, because he had the spirit of a human being, not of a clod, and thought pain painful, as indeed it is, and pleasure pleasant, in that case would it have been right to bar him out, plunging him head over ears into a sea of pain when he was swimming from a wreck to a haven and yearned for calm water—to put the poor fellow at the mercy of her dilemmas in spite of the fact that he was seeking asylum with Pleasure like a suppliant at the Altar of Mercy—in order that he might climb “the steep” with copious sweat, cast eyes upon that famous Virtue,[*] and then, after toiling painfully his whole life long, be happy when life is over?

Who should be considered a better judge than this man himself, who knew the teachings of Stoa if ever a man did, and formerly thought that only what was right was good, but now has learnt that pain is bad, and so has chosen what he has determined to be the better? He saw, no doubt, that her set make a great deal of talk about fortitude and endurance of pain, but privately pay court to Pleasure; that they are bold as brass in the lecture-room, but live under the laws of Pleasure at home; that they are ashamed, of course, to let themselves be seen “lowering their pitch” and playing false to their tenets, but suffer the tortures of Tantalus, poor fellows, so that wherever they think they will be unobserved and can transgress their laws with safety, they eagerly glut themselves with pleasure. In fact, if they should be given the ring of Gyges, so that they could put it on and be unseen, or the Cap of Darkness, without a doubt they would bid good-bye

to pain for ever and would go crowding after Pleasure, one and all, imitating Dionysius who, until he was ill, expected to get some benefit from their discourses about fortitude, but when he encountered suffering and illness, and pain came closer home to him, he perceived that his body was contradicting Stoa and maintaining the opposite side. So he put more trust in it than in her set, decided that he was ‘aman, with the body of a man, and thenceforward treated it otherwise than as if it were a statue, well. aware that whoever maintains any other view and accuses Pleasure

Doth like to talk, but thinks as others do!

Euripides, Phoenissae360. I have done. Cast your ballots with this understanding of the case.

STOA

No, no! Let me cross-question him a little.

EPICURUS

Put your questions: I will answer them.

STOA

Do you consider pain bad?

EPICURUS

Yes.

STOA

And pleasure good?

EPICURUS

Certainly.

STOA

Well, do you know the meaning of “material” and “immaterial,” of ‘approved” and “disapproved”?[*]

EPICURUS

Certainly.

HERMES

Stoa, the jurors say they can’t understand these dissyllabic questions, so be silent; they are voting.

STOA

I should have won if I had put him a question in the form of the “third indemonstrable.”[*]

JUSTICE

Who won?

HERMES

Pleasure, unanimously.

STOA

I appeal to Zeus!

JUSTICE

Good luck to you! Hermes, call another case.

HERMES

Virtue v. High-living, im re Aristippus. Let Aristippus appear in person.

VIRTUE

I ought to speak first; I am Virtue, and Aristippus belongs to me, as his words and his deeds indicate. HIGH-LIVING No, indeed; I ought to speak first; I am High-living, and the man is mine, as you can see from his garlands, his purple cloak and his perfumes.

JUSTICE

Do not wrangle; this case will stand over until Zeus decides the case of Dionysius, for this seems to be similar. Consequently, if Pleasure wins, Highliving shall have Aristippus, but if Stoa prevails, he shall be adjudged to Virtue. So let others appear. Look here, though—these jurors are not to get the fee, for their case has not come to trial.

HERMES

Then are they to have come up here for nothing, old as they are, and the hill so high?

JUSTICE

It will be enough if they get a third. Go your ways; don’t be angry, you shall serve another day.

HERMES

It is time for Diogenes of Sinope to appear. Make your complaint, Banking.

DIOGENES

I protest, if she does not stop bothering me, Justice, it will not be running away that she will have me up for, but aggravated assault and battery, for I shall mighty soon.take my staff and. .. .

JUSTICE

What have we here? Banking has run away, and he is making after her with his stick raised. The poor creature is likely to catch it pretty badly! Call Pyrrho,

HERMES

Painting is here, Justice, but Pyrrho has not come up at all. It might have been expected that he would do this.

JUSTICE

Why, Hermes?

HERMES

Because he does not believe there is any true standard of judgment.

JUSTICE

Then let them bring in a verdict by default against him. Now call the speech-writer, the Syrian. After all, it was only recently that the writs were lodged against him, and there was no pressing need to have tried the cases now. However, since that point has been decided, introduce the suit of Oratory first. Heavens, what a crowd has come together for the hearing!

HERMES

Naturally, Justice. The case is not stale, but new and unfamiliar, having been entered only yesterday, as you said, and they hope to hear Oratory and Dialogue bringing charges in turn and the Syrian defending himself against both; this has brought crowds to court. But do begin your speech, Oratory.