The Double Indictment (1-5)

ZEUS

Plague take all philosophers who say that bliss is to be found only among the gods! If they but knew all that we endure for the sake of men, they would not envy us our nectar and ambrosia, putting their trust in Homer, a blind man and a fraud, who called us blissful and told about what is in heaven when he could not even see what is on earth. Here is an example right at hand: Helius puts his team to his chariot and traverses the sky all day long, clad in a garment of fire and resplendent with rays, not even getting leisure enough to scratch his ear, as they say: for if he unconsciously relaxes the least bit, his horses run away, turn out of the road, and burn everything up. Selene, too, goes about without a wink of sleep, giving light to night-roisterers and people returning late from dinners. Apollo, again, has taken up a very active profession, and has been deafened almost completely by people besetting him with requests for prophecies. One moment he has to be in Delphi; the next, he runs to Colophon; from there he crosses to Xanthus, and again at full speed

to Delos or to Branchidae. In a word, wherever his prophetess, after drinking from the holy well and chewing laurel and setting the tripod ashake, bids him appear, there is no delaying—he must present himself immediately to reel off his prophecies, or else it is all up with his reputation in the profession. I say nothing of the devices they get up to test his powers of divination, cooking mutton and turtle together, so that if he had not a good nose, that Lydian would have gone off laughing at him.[*] As for Asclepius, he is pestered by the sick: “Dire sights he sees, and touches what he loathes, and in the woes of others finds a crop of sorrow for himself.”[*] Why should I refer either to the Winds, that aid the crops and speed the ships on their courses and blow upon the winnowers, or to Sleep, that wings his way to everyone, or to Jack-of-dreams, that keeps vigil all night long with Sleep and serves as his interpreter? All this work the gods do out of love for man, each contributing to life on earth.

ZEUS

And yet the others are not so badly off in comparison with myself. I am the monarch and father of all: but how many discomforts I put up with and how many bothers I have, distracted as I am by such a number of things to think of! First, I must oversee the work of all the other gods who help me in any way in administering my sovereignty, in order that they may not be remiss in it. Then I myself have to do any number of tasks that are almost impossible to carry out on account of their minuteness; for it is not to be supposed that I

simply manage and direct in person the principal features of my administration, such as rain, hail, wind, and lightning, and that then I am through, being dispensed from thinking of details. No, not only must I do all that, but I must look in all directions at the same time and keep an eye on everybody, just like the herdsman at Nemea,[*] to see who is stealing, who is committing perjury, who is offering sacrifice, whether anybody has poured a drinkoffering, from what quarter the steam and the smoke of burnt-offerings rise, who has called upon me in sickness or at sea. What is most laborious of all, at one and the same moment I must attend the great sacrifice at Olympia, keep an eye on the armies at war near Babylon, send hail in the country of the Getae, and attend a banquet among the Ethiopians. At that, it is not easy to escape criticism. It often happens that the others, “the gods and the warriors crested with horse-tails,” sleep all through the night, while I, though Zeus, am not “held in the sweetness of slumber,”[*] for if I drowse off, even for an instant, Epicurus is instantly confirmed in his assertion that we exercise no providence over what happens on earth. And we cannot make light of the danger if men are going to take his word for this’: our temples will have no wreaths, our wayside shrines no savoury steam, our wine-bowls no drink-offerings, our altars will be cold, and in short there will be general dearth of sacrifices and oblations, and famine will be rife. For that reason, like the master of a ship, I stand by myself high up on the stern with the tiller in my hands, and everybody else aboard gets drunk, perhaps, and goes to sleep, whereas I, without closing my eyes or eating, “ponder in heart and in soul”[*] for the benefit of all, rewarded only by being considered captain.

ZEUS

So I should like to ask the philosophers, who say that only the gods are happy, when they suppose we really find leisure for our nectar and our ambrosia in the midst of our countless bothers. Now, here is a case in point: for lack of spare time we are keeping all these stale lawsuits filed away, already spoiled by mildew and spiders’ webs, especially those brought against certain persons by the sciences and the arts—some of these are very antiquated.[*] People are making an outcry on all sides and losing patience and hurling reproaches at Justice.and blaming me for my slowness, not knowing that the hearings have not been postponed, as it happens, on account of our negligence, but on account of the bliss in which they imagine we exist: for that is what they call our press of business.

HERMES

I myself hear a great many complaints of that sort on earth, Zeus, but I did not venture to mention them to you. Now, however, I shall do so, as you began the discussion of this topic. They are indeed out of patience and indignant, father, and although they do not venture to talk openly, they put their heads together and grumble, finding fault with the delay. These men should have known long ago how things stood with them and should have acquiesced in the verdict in each case.

ZEUS

Well, what do you think, Hermes? Shall we open a session.of court for them, or do you wish we should announce it for next year?

HERMES

No, indeed; let us open it now.

ZEUS

Do so. Fly down and proclaim that there will be a session of court under the following regulations. All who have entered suit are to come to the Areopagus to-day; at that place Justice is to empanel juries for them out of the entire body of Athenians, the number of jurymen to depend upon the penalty involved; and if anyone thinks that his hearing has been unjust, he is to be allowed to appeal to me and have the case tried afresh, just as if it had not been tried at all. (Zo Justice) Daughter, take your place beside the Dread Goddesses,[*] empanel the juries and have an eye on the trials.

JUSTICE

Back to earth once more, to be driven off by them and to flee from the world again because I cannot stand being laughed at by Injustice?

ZEUS

You must be of good hope. Certainly by now the philosophers have persuaded them to regard you more highly than Injustice; especially the son of Sophroniscus,[*] who praised just dealing to the skies and declared it the greatest of blessings.

JUSTICE

Truly the very man you mention profited greatly by his talk about me! He was handed over to the Eleven, thrown into prison, and drank hemlock, poor fellow, before he had even paid that cock to

Asclepius;[*] so much the better of the argument had his accusers, whose philosophy was directly opposed to his, and favoured Injustice.