Sale of Creeds (6-10)

But enough of this, And now what is your diet?

Pythagoras Of living things I eat none. All else I eat, except beans.

First Dealer And why no beans? Do you dislike them?

Pythagoras No. But they are sacred things. Their nature is a mystery. Consider them first in their generative aspect; take a green one and peel it, and you will see what I mean. Again, boil one and expose it to moonlight for a proper number of nights, and you have—blood. What is more, the Athenians use beans to vote with.

First Dealer Admirable! A very feast of reason. Now just strip, and let me see what you are like. Bless me, here is a creed with a golden thigh! He is no mortal, he is a God. I must have him at any price. What do you start him at?

Heraclitus Forty pounds.

First Dealer He is mine for forty pounds,

Zeus Take the gentleman’s name and address.

Heraclitus He must come from Italy, I should think; Croton or Tarentum, or one of the Greek towns in those parts. But he is not the only buyer. Some three hundred of them have clubbed together.

Zeus They are welcome to him. Now up with the next.

Heraclitus What about yonder grubby Pontian[*]?

Zeus Yes, he will do.

Heraclitus You there with the wallet and cloak; come along, walk round the room. Lot No.2, A most sturdy and valiant creed, free-born. What offers?

Second Dealer Hullo, Mr. Auctioneer, are you going to sell a free man?

Heraclitus That was the idea

Second Dealer Take care, he may have you up for kidnapping. This might be matter for the Areopagus.

Heraclitus Oh, he would as soon be sold as not. He feels just as free as ever.

Second Dealer But what is one to do with such a dirty fellow? He is a pitiable sight. One might put him to dig perhaps, or to carry water.

Heraclitus That he can do and more. Set him to guard your house, and you will find him better than any watch-dog.— They call him Dog for short.

Second Dealer Where does he come from? and what is his method?

Heraclitus He can best tell you that himself.

Second Dealer I don’t like his looks. He will probably snarl if I go near him, or take a snap at me, for all I know. See how he lifts his stick, and scowls; an awkward-looking customer!

Heraclitus Don’t be afraid. He is quite tame.

Second Dealer Tell me, good fellow, where do you come from?

Diogenes Everywhere.

Second Dealer What does that mean?

Diogenes It means that I am a citizen of the world.

Second Dealer And your model?

Diogenes Heracles.

Second Dealer Then why no lion’s-skin? You have the orthodox club.

Diogenes My cloak is my lion’s-skin. Like Heracles, I live in a state of warfare, and my enemy is Pleasure; but unlike him I am a volunteer. My purpose is to purify humanity.

Second Dealer A noble purpose. Now what do I understand to be your strong subject?. What is your profession?

Diogenes The liberation of humanity, and the treatment of the” passions, In short, I am the prophet of Truth and Candour.

Second D. Well, prophet; and if I buy you, how shall you handle my case?

Diogenes I shall commence operations by stripping off your superfluities, putting you into fustian, and leaving you closeted with Necessity. Then I shall give you a course of hard labour. You will sleep on the ground, drink water, and fill your belly as best you can, Have you money? ‘Take my advice and throw it into the sea. With wife and children and country you will not concern yourself; there will be no more of that nonsense. You will exchange your present home for a sepulchre, a ruin, or a tub. What with lupines and close-written tomes, your knapsack will never be empty; and you will vote yourself happier than any king. Nor will you esteem it any inconvenience, if a flogging or a turn of the rack should fall to your lot.

Second Dealer How! Am I a tortoise, a lobster, that I should be flogged and feel it not?

Diogenes You will take your cue from Hippolytus; mutatis mutandis.

Second Dealer How so?

Diogenes ‘The heart may burn, the tongue knows nought thereof’[*]

Above all, be bold, be impudent; distribute your abuse impartially to king and commoner. They will admire your spirit. You will talk the Cynic jargon with the true Cynic snarl, scowling as you walk, and walking as one should who scowls; an epitome of brutality. Away with modesty, good-nature, and forbearance. Wipe the blush from your cheek for ever. Your hunting-ground will be the crowded city. You will live alone in its midst, holding communion with none, admitting neither friend nor guest; for such would undermine your power. Scruple not to perform the deeds of darkness in broad daylight: select your love-adventures with a view to the public entertainment: and finally, when the fancy takes you, swallow a raw cuttle-fish, and die. Such are the delights of Cynicism.