Sale of Creeds (27)

Heraclitus He is yours,

Zeus What have we left?

Heraclitus There is Scepticism. Come along, Pyrrhias, and be put up. Quick’s the word. The attendance is dwindling; there will be small competition. Well, who buys Lot 9?

Ninth Dealer I. Tell me first, though, what do you know?

Scepticism Nothing.

Ninth Dealer But how’s that?

Scepticism There does not appear to me to de anything.

Ninth Dealer Are not we something?

Scepticism How do I know that?

Ninth Dealer And you yourself?

Scepticism Of that I am still more doubtful.

Ninth Dealer Well, you are in a fix! And what have you got those scales for?

Scepticism I use them to weigh arguments in, and get them evenly balanced, They must be absolutely equal—not a feather-weight to choose between them; then, and not till then, can I make uncertain which is right.

Ninth Dealer What else can you turn your hand to?

Scepticism Anything; except catching a runaway.

Ninth Dealer And why not that?

Scepticism Because, friend, everything eludes my grasp.

Ninth Dealer I believe you. A slow, lumpish fellow you seem to be. And what is the end of your knowledge?

Scepticism Ignorance. Deafness. Blindness.

Ninth Dealer What! sight and hearing both gone?

Scepticism And with them judgement and perception, and all, in short, that distinguishes man from a worm.

Ninth Dealer You are worth money!—What shall we say for him?

Heraclitus Four pounds.

Ninth Dealer Here it is, Well, fellow; so you are mine?

Scepticism I doubt it.

Ninth Dealer Nay, doubt it not! You are bought and paid for.

Scepticism It is a difficult case.... I reserve my decision.

Ninth Dealer Now, come along with me, like a good slave.

Scepticism But how am I to know whether what you say is true?

Ninth Dealer Ask the auctioneer. Ask my money. Ask the spectators.

Scepticism Spectators? But can we be sure there are any?

Ninth Dealer Oh, V'll send you to the treadmill. That will convince you with a vengeance that I am your master.

Scepticism Reserve your decision.

Ninth Dealer Too late. It is given.

Heraclitus Stop that wrangling and go with your purchaser. Gentlemen, we hope to see you here again to-morrow, when we shall be offering some lots suitable for plain men, artisans, and shopkeepers.