Sale of Creeds (16-20)

Socrates Now by Dog and Plane-tree, it is as I say!

Fifth Dealer Heracles! What strange Gods are these?

Socrates Why, the Dog is a God, I suppose? Is not Anubis made much of in Egypt? Is there not a Dog-star in Heaven, and a Cerberus in the lower world?

Fifth D. Quite so. My mistake. Now what is your manner of life?

Socrates I live in a city of my own building; I make my own laws, and have a novel constitution of my own.

Fifth Dealer I should like to hear some of your statutes.

Socrates You shall hear the greatest of them all. No woman shall be restricted to one husband. Every man who likes is her husband.

Fifth Dealer What! Then the laws of adultery are clean swept away?

Socrates I should think they were! and a world of hair-splitting with them.

Fifth Dealer And what do you do with the handsome boys?

Socrates ‘Their kisses are the reward of merit, of noble and spirited actions.

Fifth D. Unparalleled generosity!—And now, what are the main features of your philosophy?

Socrates Ideas and types of things. All things that you see, the earth and all that is upon it, the sea, the sky,—each has its counterpart in the invisible world.

Fifth Dealer And where are they?

Socrates Nowhere. Were they anywhere, they were not what they are.

Fifth Dealer I see no signs of these ‘types’ of yours.

Socrates Of course not; because you are spiritually blind. I see the counterparts of all things; an invisible you, an invisible me; everything is in duplicate.

Fifth Dealer Come, such a shrewd and lynx-eyed creed is worth a bid. Let me see. What do you want for him?

Heraclitus Five hundred.

Fifth Dealer Done with you. Only I must settle the bill another day.

Heraclitus What name?

Fifth Dealer Dion; of Syracuse.

Heraclitus Take him, and much good may he do you. Now I want Epicureanism. Who offers for Epicureanism? He isa disciple of the laughing creed and the drunken creed, whom we were offering just now. But he has one extra accomplishment— impiety. For the rest, a dainty, lickerish creed.

Sixth Dealer What price?

Heraclitus Eight pounds.

Sixth Dealer Here you are. By the way, you might let me know what he likes to eat.

Heraclitus Anything sweet. Anything with honey in it. Dried figs are his favourite dish.

Sixth Dealer That is all right. We will get in a supply of Carian fig-cakes,

Zeus Call the next lot.

Stoicism; the creed of the sorrowful countenance, the close-cropped creed.

Heraclitus Ah yes, several customiers, I fancy, are on the look-out for him. Virtue incarnate! The very quintessence of creeds! Who is for universal monopoly?

Seventh Dealer How are we to understand that?

Heraclitus Why, here is monopoly of wisdom, monopoly of beauty, monopoly of courage, monopoly of justice. Sole king, sole orator, sole legislator, sole millionaire.

Seventh Dealer And I suppose sole cook, sole tanner, sole carpenter, and all that?

Heraclitus Presumably.