Sale of Creeds (16-20)

Now by Dog and Plane-tree, it is as I say!

Heracles! What strange Gods are these?

Why, the Dog is a God, I suppose? Is not Anubis made much of in Egypt? Is there not a Dog-star in Heaven, and a Cerberus in the lower world?

Quite so. My mistake. Now what is your manner of life?

I live in a city of my own building; I make my own laws, and have a novel constitution of my own.

I should like to hear some of your statutes.

You shall hear the greatest of them all. No woman shall be restricted to one husband. Every man who likes is her husband.

What! Then the laws of adultery are clean swept away?

I should think they were! and a world of hair-splitting with them.

And what do you do with the handsome boys?

‘Their kisses are the reward of merit, of noble and spirited actions.

Unparalleled generosity!—And now, what are the main features of your philosophy?

Ideas and types of things. All things that you see, the earth and all that is upon it, the sea, the sky,—each has its counterpart in the invisible world.

And where are they?

Nowhere. Were they anywhere, they were not what they are.

I see no signs of these ‘types’ of yours.

Of course not; because you are spiritually blind. I see the counterparts of all things; an invisible you, an invisible me; everything is in duplicate.

Come, such a shrewd and lynx-eyed creed is worth a bid. Let me see. What do you want for him?

Five hundred.

Done with you. Only I must settle the bill another day.

What name?

Dion; of Syracuse.

Take him, and much good may he do you. Now I want Epicureanism. Who offers for Epicureanism? He isa disciple of the laughing creed and the drunken creed, whom we were offering just now. But he has one extra accomplishment— impiety. For the rest, a dainty, lickerish creed.

What price?

Eight pounds.

Here you are. By the way, you might let me know what he likes to eat.

Anything sweet. Anything with honey in it. Dried figs are his favourite dish.

That is all right. We will get in a supply of Carian fig-cakes,

Call the next lot. Stoicism; the creed of the sorrowful countenance, the close-cropped creed.

Ah yes, several customiers, I fancy, are on the look-out for him. Virtue incarnate! The very quintessence of creeds! Who is for universal monopoly?

How are we to understand that?

Why, here is monopoly of wisdom, monopoly of beauty, monopoly of courage, monopoly of justice. Sole king, sole orator, sole legislator, sole millionaire.

And I suppose sole cook, sole tanner, sole carpenter, and all that?

Presumably.