Philosophies for Sale (6-10)

How do you stand in the matter of diet?

I eat nothing at all that hath life, but all else save beans.

Why so? Do you dislike beans?

Nay, but they are holy, and wonderful is their nature. First, they are nought but seed of man, and if thou open a bean while it is still green, thou wilt see that it resembleth in structure the member of a man; and again, if thou cook it and set it in the light of the moon for a fixed number of nights, thou wilt make blood. But more than this, the Athenians are wont to choose their magistrates with beans.[*]

You have explained everything duly and sacerdotally. Come, strip, for I want to see you unclothed. Heracles! His thigh is of gold! He seems to be a god and not a mortal, so I shall certainly buy him. (Yo Hermes.) What price do you sell him for?

Ten minas.

I'll take him at that figure.

Write down the buyer’s name and where he comes from.

He appears to be an Italian, Zeus, one of those who live in the neighbourhood of Croton and Tarentum and the Greek settlements in that quarter of the world. But there is more than one buyer; about three hundred have bought him in shares.[*]

Let them take him away; let us bring on another.

Do you want the dirty one over yonder, from the Black Sea?[*]

By all means.

You there with the wallet slung about you, you

Crier, what’s that you say? Are you selling someone who is free?

That I am.

Then aren’t you afraid he may have the law on you for kidnapping or even summon you to the Areopagus?

He doesn’t mind being sold, for he thinks that he is free anyhow.

What use could a man make of him, filthy as he is, and in such a wretched condition? However, he might be made a shoveller or a drawer of water.

Not only that, but if you make him doorkeeper, you will find him far more trusty than a dog. In tact, he is even called a dog.[*]

Where is he from, and what creed does he profess?

Ask the man himself; it is better to do so.

I am afraid of his sullen, hang-dog look; he may bark at me if I go near him, or even bite me, by Zeus! Don’t you see how he has his cudgel poised

Don’t be afraid; he is gentle.

First of all, my friend, where are you from?

Everywhere.

What do you mean?

You see in me a citizen of the world.

Whom do you take for your pattern?

Heracles.

Then why don’t you wear a lion’s skin? For as to the cudgel, you are like him in that.

This short cloak is my lion-skin; and I am a soldier like him, fighting against pleasures, no conscript but a volunteer, purposing to make life clean.

A fine purpose! But what do you know best, and what is your business?

I am a liberator of men and a physician to their ills; in short I desire to be an interpreter of truth and free speech.

Very good, interpreter! But if IT buy you, what course of training will you give me?

First, after taking you in charge, stripping you of your luxury and shackling you to want, I will puta short cloak on you. Next I will compel you to undergo pains and hardships, sleeping on the ground, drinking nothing but water and filling yourself with any food that comes your way. As for your money, in case you have any, if you follow my advice you will throw it into the sea forthwith. You will take no thought for marriage or children or native land: all that will be sheer nonsense to you, and you will leave the house of your fathers and make your home in atomb or a deserted tower or even a jar.[*] Your wallet will be full of lupines, and of papyrus rolls written on both sides. Leading this life you will say that you are happier than the Great King; and if anyone flogs you or twists you on the rack, you will think that there is nothing painful in it.

What do you mean by not feeling pain when I am flogged? I am not enclosed in the carapace of a turtle or a crab!

You will put in practice the saying of Euripides, slightly revised.

What saying?

Your mind will suffer, but your tongue will not.[*]

The traits that you should possess in particular are these: you should be impudent and bold, and should abuse all and each, both kings and commoners, for thus they will admire you and think you manly. Let your language be barbarous, your voice discordant and just like the barking of a dog: let your expression be set, and your gait consistent with your expression. In a word, let everything about you be bestial and savage. Put off modesty, decency and moderation, and wipe away blushes from your face completely. Frequent the most crowded place, and in those very places desire to be solitary and uncommunicative, greeting nor friend nor stranger; for to do so is abdication of the empire.[*] Do boldly in full view of all what another would not do in secret; choose the most ridiculous ways of satisfying your lust; and at the last, if you like, eat a raw devilfish or squid, and die.[*] That is the bliss we vouchsafe you.