Philosophies for Sale (12-13)

Call another; the Cyrenaic in the purple cloak, with the wreath on his head.[*]

Come now, attend, everyone! Here we have high-priced wares, wanting a rich buyer. Here you are with the sweetest philosophy, the thrice-happy philosophy! Who hankers for high living? Who'll buy the height of luxury?

Come here and tell me what you know; I will buy you if you are of any use.

Don’t bother him, please, sir, and don’t question him, for he is drunk, and so can’t answer you because his tongue falters, as you observe.

Who that is in his senses would buy so corrupt and lawless a slave? How he reeks of myrrh, and how he staggers and reels in his gait! But you yourself, Hermes, might tell me what traits he has and what his object in life is.

In general, he is accommodating to live with, satisfactory to drink with, and handy to accompany an amorous and profligate master when he riots about town with a flute-girl, Moreover, he is a connoisseur in pastries and a highly expert cook: in short, a Professor of Luxury. He was educated in Athens, and entered service in Sicily, at the court of the tyrants, with whom he enjoyed high favour. The sum and substance of his creed is to despise everything, make use of everything and cull pleasure from every source.

You had better look about for someone else, among these rich and wealthy people; for I can’t afford to buy a jolly life.

It looks as if this fellow would be left on our hands, Zeus.

Remove him; bring on another—stay! those two, the one from Abdera who laughs and the one from Ephesus who cries, for I want to sell them together.[*]

Come down among us, you two. I sell the two best philosophies; we offer the two that are sagest of all.

Zeus! What a contrast! One of thei never stops laughing, and the other is apparently mourning a death, as he weeps incessantly. What is the matter, man? Why are you laughing?

Dost thou need to ask? Because to me it seemeth that all your affairs are laughable, and yourselves as well.

What, are you laughing at us all, and do you think nothing of our affairs?

Even so; for there is nothing serious in them, but everything is a hollow mockery, drift of atoms, infinitude.

No indeed, but you yourself are a hollow mockery in very truth and an infinite ass.