Timon, or the Misanthrope (44-46)

His favourite name shall be ‘the Misanthrope,’ and his characteristic traits shall be testiness, acerbity, rudeness, wrathfulness and inhumanity. If I see anyone perishing in a fire and begging to have it put out, I am to put it out with pitch and oil; and if anyone is being swept off his feet by the river in winter and stretches out his hands, begging me to take hold, I am to push him in head-foremost, plunging him down so deep that he cannot come up again. In that way they will get what they deserve. Moved by Timon, son of Echecratides, of Collytus; motion submitted to the assembly by the aforesaid Timon.”

Good! Let us pass this resolution and abide by it stoutly.

Yet I would have given a great deal if everybody could have found out somehow that I am tremendously rich; they would be fit to hang themselves over the thing. But what is this? I say,

what haste they make! They are running up from all sides, dusty and out of breath, for they scent the gold somehow or other. Shall I climb this hill and drive them off with a skirmish fire of stones from above, or shall I break the law to the extent of talking to them just this once, in order that they may be hurt even more by being treated with contempt? That way is better, I think; so let us stand our ground now and receive them. Let me see, who is the first of them? Gnathonides the toady, the man who gave me a rope the other day when I asked for a loan, though often he has spewed up whole jars of wine at my house. I am glad he came: he shall be the first to smart.

GNATHONIDES Didn’t I say that the gods would not neglect an upright man like Timon? Good day to you, Timon, first in good looks, first in good manners and first in good fellowship.

TIMON The same to you, Gnathonides, first of all vultures in voracity and first of all mankind in rascality.

GNATHONIDES You are always fond of your joke. But where are we to dine? I have brought you a new song from one of the plays[*] that have just been put on.

TIMON I assure you, it will be a very mournful dirge that you will sing, with this pick of mine to prompt you.

GNATHONIDES What’s this? A blow, Timon? I appeal to the witnesses. O Heracles! Oh! Oh! I summon you before the Areopagus for assault and battery.

TIMON If you will only linger one moment more, the summons will be for murder.

GNATHONIDES No, no! Do heal my wound, at least, by putting alittle gold on it. That is a wonderful specific for staunching blood.

TIMON What, are you still bent on staying?

GNATHONIDES I am going; but you shall be sorry that you left off being a gentleman and became such a boor.