Zeus the Tragedian (31-35)

I do not hesitate, father, to express my views, even though I am only a resident foreigner. My idea is that when they meet and are already engaged in discussion, then, if Timokles prove the better man, we will allow the meeting to proceed to our advantage. But if it turn out otherwise, then by your leave I will shake the Porch itself from its foundations and hurl it at Damis, so that the accursed wretch may not offer insult to us.

Heavens, Herakles, what a boorish speech, and how horribly Boeotian! To destroy so many for the sake of one wretch, and, what is more, the Porch with Marathon, Miltiades, Kynaegeiros and all? If all these should perish together, how would the orators continue to practise, deprived of the chief theme of their speeches? Moreover, in your lifetime it was perhaps possible to do even a thing of that kind; but since you have become a god, you have learned, I presume, that the Fates alone control these matters, and we have no voice in them.

Then, when I was slaying the lion or the hydra, the Fates were doing these things by my agency?

Certainly.

And at this moment if any one uses

By no means.

Then, Zeus, hear me declare myself frankly, for I am a boor, as the comic poet said, and I call a spade a spade. If this is our plight, I shall bid a long farewell to the worship and savor of burnt-offerings and blood of victims in heaven, and go off to Hades. There the ghosts, at least, of the beasts I slew will be afraid of me, if I have my bow, though I be unarmed beside.

Very well; nothing like a relative for turning state's evidence, as they say. You would have saved Damis the trouble of making these remarks by suggesting them yourself.

Heavens, what a crowd has gathered to hear them! But I am not very well satisfied with Timokles himself; he is trembling with confusion. He will ruin everything this day. Evidently he will not be able to stand against Damis. However, let us do what in us lies and pray for him.

What is this you say, Damis, you looter of temples? That the gods do not exist or exercise providence for men?

That is what I say; but do you first answer me, and state what reason you have for believing in their existence.

I will not, you wretch. You answer me.

I will not. Answer yourself.

So far our man has been far more successfully and loudly abusive. That's right, Timokles, pour on the abuse. Your strength lies there, since in other lines he stops your mouth and makes you dumb as a fish.

By Heaven, I will not answer you first if I know it.

Then put your question, for you beat me that time by swearing. But spare abusive language, if you please.