Zeus Tragoedus (31-35)

Heracles Father, I am only an alien, but I am not afraid to give my opinion, Let them begin their debate. Then, if Timocles gets the best of it, we can let the meeting go on, in our own interest; on the other hand, if things look bad, I will give the Portico a shake, if you like, and bring it down on Damis; a confounded fellow like that is not to insult us.

Zeus Now by Heracles—I can swear by you, I certainly cannot swear by your plan—what a crude—what a shockingly philistine suggestion! What! destroy all those people for one man’s wickedness? and the Portico thrown in, with the Miltiades and Cynaegirus on the field of Marathon? Why, if these were ruined, how could the orators ever make another speech, with the best of their stock-in-trade taken from them? Besides, while you were alive, you might possibly have done a thing like that; but now that you are a God, you surely understand that only the Fates are competent, and we cannot interfere?

Heracles Then when I slew the lion or the Hydra, was I only the Fates’ instrument?

Zeus Of course you were.

Heracles And now, suppose any one insults me, or robs my temple, or upsets an image of me, am I not to pulverize him, just because the Fates have not decreed it long ago?.

Zeus Certainly not.

Heracles Then allow me to speak my mind; I’m a blunt man; I call a spade a spade. If this is the state of things with you, good-bye for me to your honours and altar-steam and fat of victims; I shall be off to Hades, There, if I:show my bow ready for action, the ghosts of the monsters I have slain will be frightened, at least.

Upon my word, what a vast gathering! And I do not quite like the looks of Timocles; he is trembling; he has lost his head; he will spoil everything; it is perfectly plain, he will not be able to stand up to Damis. Well, there is one thing left us: we can pray for him Inwardly, silently, lest Damis hear.

Timocles What, you miscreant, no Gods? no Providence?

Damis No, no; you answer my question first; what makes you believe in them?

Timocles None of that, now; the onus probandi is with you, scoundrel.

Damis None of that, now; it is with you.

Zeus At this game ours is much the better man—loudervoiced, rougher-tempered. Good, Timocles; stick to invective; that is your strong point; once you get off that, he will hook and hold you up like a fish.

Timocles I solemnly swear I will not answer first.

Damis Well, put your questions, then; so much you score by your oath, But xo abuse, please.