Zeus Rants (42-44)

Well ‘then, all men and all nations have been mistaken in believing in gods and celebrating festivals?

Thank you kindly, Timocles, for-reminding me of what the nations believe... From that you can discern partitularly well that there is nothing in the theory of gods, for the confusion is great, and some believe one thing, some another. The Scythians offer sacrifice to a scimitar, the Thracians to Zamolxis, a runaway slave who came to them from Samos, the Phrygians to Men, the Ethiopians to Day, the Cyllenians to’ Phales, the Assyrians to a dove, the Persians to fire, and the Egyptians to water. And while all the Egyptians in common have water for a god, the people of Memphis have the bull, the people of Pelusium a wild onion, others an ibis or a crocodile, others a dog-faced god or a cat or a monkey. Moreover, taking them by villages, some hold the right shoulder a god and others, who dwell opposite them, the left; others, half.a skull, and others an earthen cup or dish. Isn’t that matter for laughter, good Timocles?

Didn't I tell you, gods, that all this would come out and be thoroughly looked into?

You did, Momus, and your criticism was just. I shall try to set it all right if we escape this immediate danger.

But, you god-hater, how about the oracles and pre-

Don’t say a word about the oracles, my worthy friend, or else I'l ask you which of them you want to cite. The one that Apollo gave the Lydian, which was thoroughly double-edged and two-faced, like some of our Herms, which are double and just alike on both sides, whichever way you look at them; for what was there to show that Croesus by crossing the Halys would destroy his own kingdom rather than that of Cyrus? And yet the luckless Sardian had paid a. good many thousands for that ambidextrous verse.

Gods, the man keeps saying the very things that I most feared. Where is our handsome musician now? (Zo Arotto) Go down and defend yourself to him against these charges!

You are boring us to extinction, Momus, with yout untimely eriticism.

Take care what you are doing, Damis, you miscreant! You are all but upsetting the very temples of the gods with your arguments, and their altars too.

Not all the altars, as far as I am concerned, Timocles; for what harm do they do if they are full of incense and sweet savour? But I should be glad to see the altars of Artemis among the’ Tauvians turned: completely upside down, those on which the maiden goddess used to enjoy such horrid feasts.

Where did he get this insufferable stuff that he is pouring out on us? He doesn’t spare any of the gods, but speaks out like a fishwife and

Takes first one, then the other, the guiltless along with the guilty.

I tell you, Zeus, you'll find few that are guiltless among us, and possibly as he continues the man will soon fasten on a certain person of prominence.