Zeus Rants (31-35)

HERACLES

As for me, father, though I am but an alien I.shall not hesitate to say what I think. When they have met and are disputing, if Timocles gets the better of it, let’s allow the discussion about us to proceed; but if it turns out at all adversely, in that case, if you approve, I myself will at once shake the porch and throw it down on Damis, so that he may not affront us, confound him!

ZEUS

In the name of Heracles! that was a loutish, horribly Boeotian thing you said, Heracles, to involve so many honest men in the destruction of a single rascal, and the porch too, with its Marathon and Miltiades and Cynegirus![*] If they should collapse how could the orators orate any more? They would be robbed of their principal topic for speeches.[*] Moreover, although while you were alive you could no doubt have done something of the sort, since you have become a god you have found out, I suppose, that only the Fates can do such things; and that we have no part in them.

HERACLES

So when I killed the lion or the Hydra, the Fates did it through my agency?

ZEUS

Why, certainly!

HERACLES

And now, in case anyone affronts me by robbing my temple or upsetting my image, can’t I exterminate him unless it was long ago settled that way by the Fates?

ZEUS

No, not by any means.

HERACLES

Then hear me frankly, Zeus, for as the comic poet puts it,

I'm but a boor and call a spade a spade.

If that is the way things stand here with you, I shall say good-bye forever to the honours here and the odour of sacrifice and the blood of victims and go down to Hell, where with my bow uncascd I can at least frighten the ghosts of the animals I have slain.

ZEUS

Bravo! testimony from the inside, as the saying goes. Really you would have done us a great service if you had given Damis a hint to say that.

ZEUS

But who is this coming up in hot haste, the one of bronze, with the fine tooling and the fine contours, with his hair tied up in the old-fashioned way? Oh yes, it is your brother, Hermes, the one of the public square, beside the Painted Porch.[*] At any rate he is all covered with pitch from being cast every day by the sculptors. My lad, what brings

you here at a run? Do you bring us news from earth, by any chance?

HERMAGORAS

Important news, Zeus, that requires unlimited attention.

ZEUS

Tell me whether we have overlooked anything else in the way of conspiracy.

HERMAGORAS

It fell just now that they who work in bronze

Had smeared me o’er with pitch on breast and back;

A funny corslet round my body hung,

Conformed by imitative cleverness

To take the full impression of the bronze.

I saw a crowd advancing with a pair

Of sallow bawlers, warriors with words,

Hight Damis, one—[*]

ZEUS

Leave off your bombast, my good Hermagoras; I know the men you mean. But tell me whether they have been in action long.

HERMAGORAS

Not very; they were still skirmishing, slinging abuse at each other at long range.

ZEUS

Then what else remains to be done, gods, except to stoop over and listen to them? So let the Hours remove the bar now, drive the clouds away and throw open the gates of Heaven.

ZEUS

Heracles! what a crowd

has come together to listen! ‘Timocles himself does not please me at all, for he is trembling and confused. The fellow will spoil it all to-day; in fact, it is clear that he won’t even be able to square off at Danis. But let’s do the very utmost that we can and pray for him, Silently, each to himself, so that Damis may not be the wiser.[*]

TIMOCLES

[*] Damis, you sacrilegious wretch, why do you say that the gods do not exist and do not show providence in behalf of men?

DAMIS

No, you tell me first what reason you have for believing that they do exist.

TIMOCLES

No, you tell me, you miscreant!

DAMIS

No, you!

ZEUS

So far our man is much better and more noisy in his bullying. Good, Timocles! Pile on your abuse; that is your strong point, for in everything else he will make you as mute as a fish.

TIMOCLES

But I swear by Athena that I will not answer you first.

DAMIS

Well then, put your question, Timocles, for you

have won with that oath of yours. But no abuse, please.