Zeus Rants (26-30)

APOLLO

If we young fellows without beards were permitted by law to take the floor, perhaps I might have made some contribution to the debate.

MOMUS

In the first place, Apollo, the debate is on such great issues that the right to speak does not go by age but is open to all alike; for it would be delicious if when we were in direst danger we quibbled about our rights under the law. Secondly, according to law _ you are already fully entitled to the floor, for you came of age long ago and are registered in the list of the Twelve Gods and almost were a member of the council in the days of Cronus. So don’t play the boy with us: say what you think boldly, and

don’t be sensitive about speaking without a beard when you have such a long-bearded, hairy-faced son in Asclepius. Besides, it would be in order for you to show your wisdom now or never, unless you sit on Helicon and talk philosophy with the Muses for nothing.

APOLLO

But it is not for you to give such permission, Momus; it is for Zeus, and if he lets me perhaps I may say something not without sweetness and light and worthy of my study on Helicon.

ZEUS

Speak, my boy: I give you permission.

APOLLO

This Timocles is an upright, God-fearing man and he is thoroughly up in the Stoic doctrines, so that he gives lessons to many of the young men -and collects large fees for it, being very plausible when he disputes privately with his pupils; but he utterly lacks the courage to speak before a crowd and his language is vulgar and half-foreign, so that he gets laughed at for that reason when he appears in public, for he does not talk fluently but stammers and gets confused, especially when in spite of these faults he wants to make a show of fine language. His intellect, to be sure, is exceedingly keen and subtle, as people say who know more than I about Stoicism, but in lecturing and expounding he weakens and obscures his points by his incapacity, not making his meaning clear but presenting propositions that are like riddles and returning answers that are still more unintelligible; hence the others failing to com-

prehend, laugh at him. But it is essential to speak clearly, I think, and beyond all else to take great pains to be understood by the hearers.

MOMUS

You were right, Apollo, in praising people who speak clearly, even though you yourself do not do it at all, for in your oracles you are ambiguous and riddling and you unconcernedly toss most of them into the debatable ground so that your hearers need another Apollo to interpret them. But what do you advise as the next step, what remedy for Timocles’ helplessness in debate?

APOLLO

To give him a spokesman if possible, Momus, one of those eloquent chaps who will say fittingly whatever Timocles thinks of and suggests.

MOMUS

Truly a puerilesuggestion which shows that you still need a tutor, that we should bring a spokesman into a meeting of philosophers to interpret the opinions of Timocles to the company, and that Damis should speak in his own person and unaided while the other, making use of a proxy, privately whispers his ideas into his ear and the proxy does the speaking, perhaps without even understanding what he hears, Wouldn’t that be fun for the crowd! No, let’s think of some other way to manage this thing.

MOMUS

But as for you, my admirable friend, since you claim to be a prophet and have collected large fees for such work, even to the extent of getting ingots of gold once upon a time, why do you not give us a timely display of your skill by foretelling which of the

sophists will win in the argument? Of course you know what the outcome will be, if you are a prophet:

APOLLO

How can I do that, Momus, when we have no tripod here, and no incense or prophetic spring like Castaly?

MOMUS

There now! you dodge the test when it comes to the pinch.

ZEUS

Speak up, my boy, all the same, and don’t give this libeller a chance to malign and insult your profession by saying that it all depends on a tripod and water and incense, so that if you didn’t have those things you would be deprived of your skill.

APOLLO

It would be better, father, to do such business at Delphi or Colophon where I have all the necessaries at hand, in the usual way. However, even thus devoid of them and unequipped, I will try to foretell whose the victory shall be: you will bear with me if my verses are lame.

MOMUS

Do speak; but let it be clear, and not itself in need of a spokesman or an interpreter. It is not now a question of lamb and turtle cooking together in Lydia, but you know what the debate is about.

ZEUS

What in the world are you going to say, my boy? These preliminaries to your oracle are terrifying in themselves; your colour is changed, your eyes are rolling, your hair stands on end, your movements are

frenzied, and in a word everything about you suggests demoniacal possession and gooseflesh and mysteries.