Zeus Rants (21-25)

MOMUS

I beg you here and now, Zeus, as we are alone and there is no man in our gathering except Heracles and Dionysus and Ganymede and Asclepius, these naturalized aliens—answer me truly, have you ever had enough regard for those on earth to find out

who are the good among them and who are the bad? No, you can’t say that you have! In fact, if Theseus on his way from Troezen to Athens had not incidentally done away with themarauders, as far as you and your providence are concerned nothing would hinder Sciron and Pityocamptes and Cereyon and the rest of them from continuing to live in luxury by slaughtering wayfarers. Andif Eurystheus, an upright man, full of providence, had not out of the love he bore his fellow men looked into the conditions everywhere and sent out this servant of his,[*] a hard-working fellow eager for tasks, you, Zeus, would have paid little heed to the Hydra and the Stymphalian birds and the Thracian mares and the insolence and wantonness of the Centaurs.

MOMUS

If you would have me speak the truth, we sit here considering just one question, whether anybody is slaying victims and burning incense at our altars; everything else drifts with the current, swept aimlessly along. Therefore we are getting and shall continue to get no more than we deserve when men gradually begin to crane their necks upward and find out that it does them no good to sacrifice to us and hold processions. Then in a little while you shall see the Epicuruses and Metrodoruses and Damises laughing at us, and our pleaders overpowered and silenced by them. So it is for the rest of you to check and remedy all this, you who carried it so far. To me, being only Momus, it does not make much difference if I ain to be unhonoured, for even in bygone days I was not one of those in honour, while you are still fortunate and enjoy your sacrifices.

ZEUS

Let us ignore this fellow’s nonsense, gods; he is always harsh and fault-finding. As that wonderful man Demosthenes says, to reproach and criticize and find fault is easy and anyone can do it, but to advise how a situation. may be improved requires a really wise counsellor; and this is what the rest of you will do, I am very sure, even if Momus says nothing.

POSEIDON

For my part I am pretty much subaqueous, as you know, and live by myself in the depths, doing my best to rescue sailors, speed vessels on their course and calm the winds. Nevertheless I am interested in matters here too, and I say that this Damis should be put out of the way before he enters the dispute, either with a thunderbolt or by some other means, for fear that he may get the better of it in the argument; for you say, Zeus, that he is a plausible fellow. At the same time we'll show them how we punish people who say such things against us.

ZEUS

Are you joking, Poseidon, or have you completely forgotten that nothing of the sort is in our power, but the Fates decide by their spinning that one man is to die by a thunderbolt, another by the sword and another by fever or consumption? If it lay in my power, do you suppose I would have let the temple-robbers get away from Olympia the other day unscathed by my thunderbolt, when they had shorn off two of my curls weighing six pounds apiece? Or would you yourself at Geraestus have allowed the fisherman from Oreus to filch your trident? Besides,

it will look as if we were getting angry because we have been injured, and as if we feared the arguments of Damis and were making away with him for that reason, without waiting for him to be put to the proof by Timocles. Shall we not seem, then, to be winning by default if we win in that way?

POSEIDON

Why, I supposed I had thought of a short cut to victory?

ZEUS

Avast! a stockfish idea, Poseidon, downright stupid, to make away with your adversary in advance so that he may die undefeated, leaving the question still in dispute and unsettled!

POSEIDON

Well, then, the rest of you think of something else that is better, since you relegate my ideas to the stockfish in that fashion.