Zeus Rants (16-20)

ZEUS

But when, thus reflecting, I had reached the Painted Porch, I saw a great number of men gathered together, some inside, in the porch itself, a number in the court, and one or two sitting on the seats bawling and straining their lungs. Guessing (as was indeed the case) that they were philosophers of the disputatious order, I decided to stop and hear what they were saying, and as I happened to be wrapped im one of my thick clouds, I dressed myself after their style and lengthened my beard with a pull, making myself very like a philosopher; then, elbowing the rabble aside, I went in without being recognized. I found the Epicurean Damis, that sly rogue, and Timocles the Stoic, the best man in the world, disputing madly: at least Timocles was sweating and had worn his voice out with shouting, while Damnis with his sardonic laughter was making him more and more excited.

ZEUS

Their whole discussion was about us. That confounded Damis asserted that we do not exercise any providence in behalf of men and do not oversee what goes on among them, saying nothing less than that we do not exist at all (for that isof course what

his argument implied), and there were some who applauded him. The other, however, I mean Timocles, was on our side and fought for us and got angry and took our part in every way, praising our management and telling how we govern and direct everything in the appropriate order and system; and he too had some who applauded him. But finally he grew tired and began to speak badly and the crowd began to turn admiring eyes on Damis; so, seeing the danger, I ordered night to close in and break up the conference. They went away, therefore, after agreeing to carry the dispute to a conclusion the next day, and I myself, going along with the crowd, overheard them praising Damis’ views on their way home and even then far preferring his side: there were some, however, who recommended them not to condemn the other side in advance but to wait and see what Timocles would say the next day.

ZEUS

That is why I called you together, gods, and it is no trivial reason if you consider that all our honour and glory and revenue comes from men, and if they are convinced either that there are no gods at all or that if there are they have no thought of men, we shall be without sacrifices, without presents and without honours on earth and shall sit idle in Heaven in the grip of famine, choused out of our old-time feasts and celebrations and games and sacrifices and vigils and processions. Such being the issue, I say that all must try to think out something to save the situation for us, so that Timocles will win and be thought to have the truth on his side of the argument and Damis will be laughed to scorn by the audience: for I have very little confidence that

Timocles will win by himself if he has not our backing. Therefore make your lawful proclamation, Hermes, so that they may arise and give counsel.

HERMES

Hark! Hush! No noise! Who of the gods in full standing that have the right to speak wants to do so? What’s this? Nobody arises? Are you dumfounded by the greatness of the issues presented, that you hold your tongues?

MOMUS

Marry, you others may all into water and earth be converted;[*]

Iliad7, 99. but as for me, if I were privileged to speak frankly, I would have a great deal to say.

ZEUS

Speak, Momus, with full confidence, for it is clear that your frankness will be intended for our common good.

MOMUS

Well then, listen, gods, to what comes straight from the heart, as the saying goes. I quite expected that we should wind up in this helpless plight and that we should have a great crop of sophists like this, who get from us ourselves the justification for their temerity; and I vow by Themis that it is not right to be angry either at Epicurus or at his associates and successors in doctrine if they have formed such an idea of us. Why, what could one expect them to think when they see so much confusion in life, and see that the good men among them are neglected and waste away in poverty and

illness and bondage while scoundrelly, pestilential fellows are highly honoured and have enormous wealth and lord it over their betters, and that templerobbers are not punished but escape, while men who are guiltless of all wrong-dving sometimes die by the cross or the scourge?

MOMUS

It is natural, then, that on seeing this they think of us as if we were nothing at all, especially when they hear the oracles saying that on crossing the Halys somebody will destroy a great kingdom, without indicating whether he will destroy his own or that of the enemy; and again

“Glorious Salamis, death shalt thou bring to the children of women,[*]

Herod. 7, 140 ff. for surely both Persians and Greeks were the children of women! And when the reciters tell them that we fall in love and get wounded and are thrown into chains and become slaves and quarrel among ourselves and have a thousand cares, and all this in spite of our claim to be blissful and deathless, are they not justified in laughing at us and holding us in no esteem? We, however, are vexed if any humans not wholly without wits criticize all this and reject our providence, when we ought to be glad if any of them continue to sacrifice to us, offending as we do.