How to Tell a Flatterer from a Friend (35-37)

urn:cts:greekLit:tlg0007.tlg070.perseus-eng3:35-37

Refs	`{'start': {'reference': '35', 'human_reference': 'Section 35'}, 'end': {'reference': '37', 'human_reference': 'Section 37'}}`
Ancestors	`[]`
Children	`[]`

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Then again, as Thucydides [*] says, Whoever incurs unpopularity over matters of the highest

importance, shows a right judgement; so it is the duty of a friend to accept the odium that comes from giving admonition when matters of importance and of great concern are at stake. But if he is for ever bickering over everything and about everything, and approaches his acquaintance in the manner not of a friend but of a schoolmaster, his admonitions will lose their edge and effectiveness in matters of the highest importance, since, like a physician who should dole out his supply of a pungent or bitter but necessary and costly medicine by prescribing it in a great number of slight cases where it is not necessary, he will have used up his supply of frankness without result. He will, therefore, be earnestly on his guard against continual censoriousness in himself; and if another person is apt to search narrowly into everything, and keeps up a continual comment of petty accusation, this will give him the key, as it were, in opening an attack on faults that are more important. The physician Philotimus, on an occasion, when a man with an ulcerated liver showed him his finger with a whitlow on it, said, My friend, you need not concern yourself about a sore finger. [*] And so, too, the right occasion gives a friend a chance to say to the man whose accusations are based on trifles of no real import, Why dwell on playful sports and conviviality and nonsense? Let this man, my friend, but get rid of the woman he keeps, or cease gambling, and there we have a man in all else admirable. For the man who receives indulgence in small matters is not unready to grant to his friend the right to speak frankly in regard to the greater. But the inveterate nagger, everywhere sour and unpleasant, noticing

everything and officiously making it his concern, is not only intolerable to children and brothers, but is unendurable even to slaves.

But since, to quote Euripides,[*] not everything connected with old age is bad, and the same thing holds true also of our friends’ fatuity, we ought to keep close watch upon our friends not only when they go wrong but also when they are right, and indeed the first step should be commendation cheerfully bestowed. Then later, just as steel is made compact by cooling, and takes on a temper as the result of having first been relaxed and softened by heat, so when our friends have become mollified and warmed by our commendations we should give them an application of frankness like a tempering bath. For the right occasion gives us a chance to say, Is this conduct worthy to compare with that? Do you see what fruits honour yields? This is what we your friends demand; this befits your own character; nature intended you for this. But those other promptings must be exorcised—

Off to the mountain or else to the surge of the loud-roaring ocean.[*]

For as a kind-hearted physician would prefer to relieve a sick man’s ailment by sleep and diet rather than by castor and scammony, so a kindly friend, a good father, and a teacher, take pleasure in using commendation rather than blame for the correction of character. For nothing else makes the frank person give so little pain and do so much good by his words, as to refrain from all show of temper, and to approach the erring good-humouredly and with kindliness. For this reason they should not be sharply refuted when they make denial, nor prevented from

defending themselves; but we should in some way or other help them to evolve some presentable excuses, and, repudiating the worse motive, provide one more tolerable ourselves, such as is found in Hector’s [*] words to his brother:

Strange man! ’Tis not right to nurse this wrath in your bosom,

as though his withdrawal from the combat were not desertion, or cowardice, but only a display of temper. And so Nestor [*] to Agamemnon:

But you to your high-minded spirit Gave way.

For a higher moral tone, I think, is assumed in saying You acted unbecomingly rather than You did wrong, and You were inadvertent rather than You were ignorant, and Don’t be contentious with your brother rather than Don’t be jealous of your brother, and Keep away from the woman who is trying to ruin you rather than Stop trying to ruin the woman. Such is the method which frankness seeks to take when it would reclaim a wrongdoer; but to stir a man to action it tries the opposite method. For example, whenever it either becomes necessary to divert persons that are on the point of going wrong, or when we would give an earnest impulse to those who are trying to make a stand against the onset of a violent adverse impulse, or who are quite without energy and spirit for what is noble, we should turn round and ascribe their action to some unnatural or unbecoming motives. Thus Odysseus, as Sophocles [*] represents him, in trying to rouse the spirit of Achilles, says that Achilles is not angry on account of the dinner, but

Already at the sight of builded Troy You are afraid.

And again when Achilles is exceedingly indignant at this, and says that he is for sailing away, Odysseus says

I know what ’tis you flee; not ill repute, But Hector’s near; it is not good to stay.[*]

So by alarming the spirited and manly man with an imputation of cowardice, the chaste and orderly with an imputation of licentiousness, the liberal and lordly with an imputation of pettiness and stinginess, they give to such persons an impulse toward what is noble, and turn them away from what is disgraceful, proving themselves moderate in matters beyond remedy, and owning more to sorrow and sympathy than to blame in their frank speaking; but in efforts to prevent the commission of error and in any wrestling with the emotions they are severe, inexorable, and unremitting. For this is the right time for a resolute goodwill and genuine frankness. Blame for past deeds is a weapon which we see enemies using against each other. Whereby is confirmed the saying of Diogenes that as a matter of self-preservation, a man needs to be supplied with good friends or else with ardent enemies; for the former instruct him, and the latter take him to task. But it is better to guard against errors by following proffered advice than to repent of errors because of men’s upbraiding. This is the reason why it is necessary to treat frankness as a fine art, inasmuch as it is the greatest and most potent medicine in friendship, always needing, however, all care to hit the right occasion, and a tempering with moderation.

Since, then, as has been said, frankness, from its very nature, is oftentimes painful to the person to whom it is applied, there is need to follow the example of the physicians; for they, in a surgical operation, do not leave the part that has been operated upon in its suffering and pain, but treat it with soothing lotions and fomentations; nor do persons that use admonition with skill simply apply its bitterness and sting, and then run away; but by further converse and gentle words they mollify and assuage, even as stone-cutters smooth and polish the portions of statues that have been previously hammered and chiselled. But the man who has been hard hit and scored by frankness, if he be left rough and tumid and uneven, will, owing to the effect of anger, not readily respond to an appeal the next time, or put up with attempts to soothe him. Therefore those who employ admonition should be particularly on their guard in this respect, and not take their leave too soon, nor allow anything painful and irritating to their acquaintances to form the final topic of conversation at an interview.

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some	2	w	2974
presentable	1	w	2985
excuses	1	w	2992
and	26	w	2996
repudiating	1	w	3008
the	42	w	3011
worse	1	w	3016
motive	1	w	3022
provide	1	w	3030
one	1	w	3033
more	2	w	3037
tolerable	2	w	3046
ourselves	1	w	3055
such	1	w	3060
as	18	w	3062
is	30	w	3064
found	1	w	3069
in	58	w	3071
Hector	1	w	3077
s	201	w	3079
Homer	2	w	3084
Il	2	w	3087
vi	7	w	3090
326	1	w	3094
words	2	w	3100
to	30	w	3102
his	17	w	3105
brother	2	w	3112
Strange	1	w	3120
man	10	w	3123
Tis	1	w	3128
not	12	w	3131
right	6	w	3136
to	31	w	3138
nurse	1	w	3143
this	7	w	3147
wrath	1	w	3152
in	59	w	3154
your	4	w	3158
bosom	1	w	3163
as	19	w	3166
though	1	w	3172
his	19	w	3175
withdrawal	1	w	3185
from	4	w	3189
the	44	w	3192
combat	1	w	3198
were	2	w	3202
not	13	w	3205
desertion	1	w	3214
or	34	w	3217
cowardice	1	w	3226
but	7	w	3230
only	3	w	3234
a	236	w	3235
display	1	w	3242
of	22	w	3244
temper	4	w	3250
And	2	w	3254
so	19	w	3256
Nestor	1	w	3262
Ibid	1	w	3266
ix	1	w	3269
109	1	w	3273
to	33	w	3276
Agamemnon	1	w	3285
But	5	w	3289
you	8	w	3292
to	34	w	3294
your	5	w	3298
high-minded	1	w	3309
spirit	1	w	3315
Gave	1	w	3319
way	2	w	3322
For	6	w	3326
a	241	w	3327
higher	1	w	3333
moral	1	w	3338
tone	1	w	3342
I	5	w	3344
think	1	w	3349
is	36	w	3352
assumed	1	w	3359
in	62	w	3361
saying	1	w	3367
You	1	w	3370
acted	1	w	3375
unbecomingly	1	w	3387
rather	3	w	3393
than	3	w	3397
You	2	w	3400
did	2	w	3403
wrong	2	w	3408
and	27	w	3412
You	3	w	3415
were	3	w	3419
inadvertent	1	w	3430
rather	4	w	3436
than	4	w	3440
You	4	w	3443
were	4	w	3447
ignorant	1	w	3455
and	28	w	3459
Don	1	w	3462
t	281	w	3464
be	11	w	3466
contentious	1	w	3477
with	8	w	3481
your	6	w	3485
brother	3	w	3492
rather	5	w	3498
than	5	w	3502
Don	2	w	3505
t	288	w	3507
be	12	w	3509
jealous	1	w	3516
of	23	w	3518
your	7	w	3522
brother	4	w	3529
and	29	w	3533
Keep	1	w	3537
away	1	w	3541
from	5	w	3545
the	50	w	3548
woman	2	w	3553
who	4	w	3556
is	37	w	3558
trying	1	w	3564
to	36	w	3566
ruin	1	w	3570
you	12	w	3573
rather	6	w	3579
than	6	w	3583
Stop	1	w	3587
trying	2	w	3593
to	38	w	3595
ruin	2	w	3599
the	52	w	3602
woman	3	w	3607
Such	1	w	3612
is	38	w	3614
the	53	w	3617
method	1	w	3623
which	1	w	3628
frankness	3	w	3637
seeks	1	w	3642
to	39	w	3644
take	4	w	3648
when	7	w	3652
it	26	w	3654
would	2	w	3659
reclaim	1	w	3666
a	267	w	3667
wrongdoer	1	w	3676
but	8	w	3680
to	40	w	3682
stir	1	w	3686
a	268	w	3687
man	13	w	3690
to	41	w	3692
action	1	w	3698
it	27	w	3700
tries	1	w	3705
the	54	w	3708
opposite	1	w	3716
method	2	w	3722
For	7	w	3726
example	1	w	3733
whenever	1	w	3742
it	29	w	3744
either	1	w	3750
becomes	1	w	3757
necessary	3	w	3766
to	42	w	3768
divert	1	w	3774
persons	1	w	3781
that	5	w	3785
are	6	w	3788
on	52	w	3790
the	56	w	3793
point	1	w	3798
of	24	w	3800
going	1	w	3805
wrong	4	w	3810
or	40	w	3813
when	9	w	3817
we	13	w	3819
would	3	w	3824
give	6	w	3828
an	73	w	3830
earnest	2	w	3837
impulse	1	w	3844
to	43	w	3846
those	2	w	3851
who	5	w	3854
are	7	w	3857
trying	3	w	3863
to	44	w	3865
make	3	w	3869
a	279	w	3870
stand	1	w	3875
against	2	w	3882
the	57	w	3885
onset	1	w	3890
of	25	w	3892
a	283	w	3893
violent	1	w	3900
adverse	1	w	3907
impulse	2	w	3914
or	41	w	3917
who	6	w	3920
are	8	w	3923
quite	1	w	3928
without	2	w	3935
energy	1	w	3941
and	31	w	3944
spirit	2	w	3950
for	5	w	3953
what	3	w	3957
is	39	w	3959
noble	1	w	3964
we	14	w	3967
should	6	w	3973
turn	1	w	3977
round	1	w	3982
and	32	w	3985
ascribe	1	w	3992
their	2	w	3997
action	2	w	4003
to	45	w	4005
some	3	w	4009
unnatural	1	w	4018
or	43	w	4020
unbecoming	2	w	4030
motives	1	w	4037
Thus	1	w	4042
Odysseus	1	w	4050
as	22	w	4053
Sophocles	1	w	4062
In	1	w	4064
the	59	w	4067
Dinner-guests	1	w	4080
probably	1	w	4088
Nauck	1	w	4094
Trag	1	w	4099
Graec	1	w	4105
Frag	1	w	4110
Soph	2	w	4116
No	1	w	4119
141	1	w	4123
See	1	w	4127
however	1	w	4135
Jebb-Pearson	1	w	4148
The	4	w	4152
Fragments	1	w	4161
of	26	w	4163
Sophocles	2	w	4172
ii	2	w	4175
p	76	w	4177
205	1	w	4181
represents	1	w	4192
him	4	w	4195
in	76	w	4198
trying	4	w	4204
to	46	w	4206
rouse	1	w	4211
the	60	w	4214
spirit	3	w	4220
of	27	w	4222
Achilles	1	w	4230
says	2	w	4235
that	6	w	4239
Achilles	2	w	4247
is	40	w	4249
not	14	w	4252
angry	1	w	4257
on	57	w	4259
account	1	w	4266
of	28	w	4268
the	61	w	4271
dinner	1	w	4277
but	9	w	4281
Already	1	w	4288
at	44	w	4290
the	62	w	4293
sight	1	w	4298
of	29	w	4300
builded	1	w	4307
Troy	1	w	4311
You	5	w	4314
are	9	w	4317
afraid	1	w	4323
And	3	w	4327
again	4	w	4332
when	10	w	4336
Achilles	3	w	4344
is	41	w	4346
exceedingly	1	w	4357
indignant	1	w	4366
at	45	w	4368
this	8	w	4372
and	33	w	4376
says	3	w	4380
that	7	w	4384
he	91	w	4386
is	43	w	4388
for	6	w	4391
sailing	1	w	4398
away	2	w	4402
Odysseus	2	w	4411
says	4	w	4415
I	7	w	4416
know	1	w	4420
what	4	w	4424
tis	1	w	4428
you	13	w	4431
flee	1	w	4435
not	15	w	4439
ill	8	w	4442
repute	1	w	4448
But	6	w	4452
Hector	2	w	4458
s	283	w	4460
near	1	w	4464
it	35	w	4467
is	45	w	4469
not	16	w	4472
good	4	w	4476
to	48	w	4478
stay	1	w	4482
In	2	w	4485
the	63	w	4488
Dinner-guests	2	w	4501
probably	2	w	4509
See	2	w	4513
note	1	w	4517
C	1	w	4518
p	81	w	4520
390	1	w	4524
So	4	w	4527
by	8	w	4529
alarming	1	w	4537
the	64	w	4540
spirited	1	w	4548
and	34	w	4551
manly	1	w	4556
man	15	w	4559
with	10	w	4563
an	83	w	4565
imputation	1	w	4575
of	30	w	4577
cowardice	2	w	4586
the	65	w	4590
chaste	1	w	4596
and	35	w	4599
orderly	1	w	4606
with	11	w	4610
an	85	w	4612
imputation	2	w	4622
of	31	w	4624
licentiousness	1	w	4638
the	66	w	4642
liberal	1	w	4649
and	36	w	4652
lordly	1	w	4658
with	12	w	4662
an	87	w	4664
imputation	3	w	4674
of	32	w	4676
pettiness	1	w	4685
and	37	w	4688
stinginess	1	w	4698
they	5	w	4703
give	7	w	4707
to	49	w	4709
such	2	w	4713
persons	2	w	4720
an	89	w	4722
impulse	3	w	4729
toward	1	w	4735
what	5	w	4739
is	46	w	4741
noble	2	w	4746
and	38	w	4750
turn	2	w	4754
them	4	w	4758
away	3	w	4762
from	6	w	4766
what	6	w	4770
is	47	w	4772
disgraceful	1	w	4783
proving	1	w	4791
themselves	2	w	4801
moderate	1	w	4809
in	89	w	4811
matters	5	w	4818
beyond	1	w	4824
remedy	1	w	4830
and	39	w	4834
owning	1	w	4840
more	3	w	4844
to	51	w	4846
sorrow	1	w	4852
and	40	w	4855
sympathy	1	w	4863
than	7	w	4867
to	52	w	4869
blame	2	w	4874
in	91	w	4876
their	3	w	4881
frank	6	w	4886
speaking	1	w	4894
but	10	w	4898
in	93	w	4900
efforts	1	w	4907
to	53	w	4909
prevent	2	w	4916
the	71	w	4919
commission	1	w	4929
of	33	w	4931
error	1	w	4936
and	41	w	4939
in	94	w	4941
any	1	w	4944
wrestling	1	w	4953
with	13	w	4957
the	72	w	4960
emotions	1	w	4968
they	6	w	4972
are	10	w	4975
severe	1	w	4981
inexorable	1	w	4992
and	42	w	4996
unremitting	1	w	5007
For	8	w	5011
this	9	w	5015
is	51	w	5017
the	74	w	5020
right	7	w	5025
time	1	w	5029
for	8	w	5032
a	364	w	5033
resolute	1	w	5041
goodwill	1	w	5049
and	43	w	5052
genuine	1	w	5059
frankness	4	w	5068
Blame	1	w	5074
for	9	w	5077
past	1	w	5081
deeds	1	w	5086
is	52	w	5088
a	369	w	5089
weapon	1	w	5095
which	2	w	5100
we	17	w	5102
see	3	w	5105
enemies	1	w	5112
using	2	w	5117
against	3	w	5124
each	2	w	5128
other	8	w	5133
Whereby	1	w	5141
is	53	w	5143
confirmed	1	w	5152
the	76	w	5155
saying	2	w	5161
of	34	w	5163
Diogenes	1	w	5171
that	8	w	5175
as	25	w	5177
a	377	w	5178
matter	6	w	5184
of	35	w	5186
self-preservation	1	w	5203
a	380	w	5205
man	16	w	5208
needs	1	w	5213
to	54	w	5215
be	18	w	5217
supplied	1	w	5225
with	14	w	5229
good	6	w	5233
friends	5	w	5240
or	56	w	5242
else	4	w	5246
with	15	w	5250
ardent	1	w	5256
enemies	2	w	5263
for	10	w	5267
the	77	w	5270
former	1	w	5276
instruct	1	w	5284
him	5	w	5287
and	44	w	5291
the	78	w	5294
latter	1	w	5300
take	5	w	5304
him	6	w	5307
to	55	w	5309
task	1	w	5313
But	7	w	5317
it	44	w	5319
is	54	w	5321
better	1	w	5327
to	56	w	5329
guard	2	w	5334
against	4	w	5341
errors	1	w	5347
by	10	w	5349
following	1	w	5358
proffered	1	w	5367
advice	1	w	5373
than	8	w	5377
to	57	w	5379
repent	1	w	5385
of	37	w	5387
errors	2	w	5393
because	1	w	5400
of	38	w	5402
men	8	w	5405
s	347	w	5407
upbraiding	1	w	5417
This	2	w	5422
is	56	w	5424
the	79	w	5427
reason	2	w	5433
why	1	w	5436
it	45	w	5438
is	57	w	5440
necessary	4	w	5449
to	58	w	5451
treat	1	w	5456
frankness	5	w	5465
as	28	w	5467
a	399	w	5468
fine	1	w	5472
art	2	w	5475
inasmuch	1	w	5484
as	30	w	5486
it	46	w	5488
is	58	w	5490
the	80	w	5493
greatest	1	w	5501
and	45	w	5504
most	1	w	5508
potent	1	w	5514
medicine	2	w	5522
in	109	w	5524
friendship	1	w	5534
always	1	w	5541
needing	1	w	5548
however	2	w	5556
all	5	w	5560
care	1	w	5564
to	59	w	5566
hit	2	w	5569
the	81	w	5572
right	8	w	5577
occasion	4	w	5585
and	46	w	5589
a	411	w	5590
tempering	2	w	5599
with	16	w	5603
moderation	1	w	5613
Since	1	w	5619
then	1	w	5624
as	32	w	5627
has	2	w	5630
been	2	w	5634
said	2	w	5638
frankness	6	w	5648
from	7	w	5653
its	3	w	5656
very	7	w	5660
nature	2	w	5666
is	59	w	5669
oftentimes	1	w	5679
painful	1	w	5686
to	60	w	5688
the	83	w	5691
person	5	w	5697
to	61	w	5699
whom	1	w	5703
it	50	w	5705
is	60	w	5707
applied	1	w	5714
there	3	w	5720
is	61	w	5722
need	4	w	5726
to	62	w	5728
follow	2	w	5734
the	85	w	5737
example	2	w	5744
of	40	w	5746
the	86	w	5749
physicians	1	w	5759
for	12	w	5763
they	7	w	5767
in	114	w	5770
a	422	w	5771
surgical	1	w	5779
operation	1	w	5788
do	4	w	5791
not	18	w	5794
leave	1	w	5799
the	88	w	5802
part	1	w	5806
that	9	w	5810
has	3	w	5813
been	3	w	5817
operated	1	w	5825
upon	2	w	5829
in	115	w	5831
its	4	w	5834
suffering	1	w	5843
and	47	w	5846
pain	3	w	5850
but	11	w	5854
treat	2	w	5859
it	52	w	5861
with	17	w	5865
soothing	1	w	5873
lotions	1	w	5880
and	48	w	5883
fomentations	1	w	5895
nor	3	w	5899
do	5	w	5901
persons	3	w	5908
that	10	w	5912
use	5	w	5915
admonition	3	w	5925
with	18	w	5929
skill	1	w	5934
simply	1	w	5940
apply	1	w	5945
its	5	w	5948
bitterness	1	w	5958
and	49	w	5961
sting	2	w	5966
and	50	w	5970
then	2	w	5974
run	1	w	5977
away	4	w	5981
but	12	w	5985
by	11	w	5987
further	1	w	5994
converse	1	w	6002
and	51	w	6005
gentle	1	w	6011
words	3	w	6016
they	8	w	6020
mollify	1	w	6027
and	52	w	6030
assuage	1	w	6037
even	4	w	6042
as	36	w	6044
stone-cutters	1	w	6057
smooth	1	w	6063
and	53	w	6066
polish	1	w	6072
the	92	w	6075
portions	1	w	6083
of	41	w	6085
statues	1	w	6092
that	11	w	6096
have	4	w	6100
been	4	w	6104
previously	1	w	6114
hammered	1	w	6122
and	54	w	6125
chiselled	1	w	6134
But	8	w	6138
the	93	w	6141
man	17	w	6144
who	8	w	6147
has	4	w	6150
been	5	w	6154
hard	1	w	6158
hit	3	w	6161
and	55	w	6164
scored	1	w	6170
by	12	w	6172
frankness	7	w	6181
if	6	w	6184
he	124	w	6186
be	25	w	6188
left	1	w	6192
rough	1	w	6197
and	56	w	6200
tumid	1	w	6205
and	57	w	6208
uneven	1	w	6214
will	6	w	6219
owing	2	w	6225
to	64	w	6227
the	94	w	6230
effect	2	w	6236
of	42	w	6238
anger	1	w	6243
not	19	w	6247
readily	1	w	6254
respond	1	w	6261
to	65	w	6263
an	122	w	6265
appeal	1	w	6271
the	95	w	6274
next	1	w	6278
time	3	w	6282
or	66	w	6285
put	5	w	6288
up	10	w	6290
with	19	w	6294
attempts	1	w	6302
to	66	w	6304
soothe	1	w	6310
him	7	w	6313
Therefore	1	w	6323
those	3	w	6328
who	9	w	6331
employ	1	w	6337
admonition	4	w	6347
should	7	w	6353
be	26	w	6355
particularly	1	w	6367
on	85	w	6369
their	4	w	6374
guard	3	w	6379
in	121	w	6381
this	10	w	6385
respect	1	w	6392
and	58	w	6396
not	20	w	6399
take	6	w	6403
their	5	w	6408
leave	2	w	6413
too	2	w	6416
soon	1	w	6420
nor	4	w	6424
allow	1	w	6429
anything	1	w	6437
painful	2	w	6444
and	59	w	6447
irritating	1	w	6457
to	68	w	6459
their	6	w	6464
acquaintances	1	w	6477
to	69	w	6479
form	2	w	6483
the	100	w	6486
final	1	w	6491
topic	1	w	6496
of	43	w	6498
conversation	1	w	6510
at	75	w	6512
an	127	w	6514
interview	1	w	6523