No wonder you have forced your way into the Senate House: no bars or bolts
 can hold against you. Only do say what species of god you want the fellow to be
 made. An Epicurean god he cannot be: for they take no trouble and cause
 none. Compare Diogenes Laertius x, 139: τὸ : The Blessed and Incorruptible neither
 itself has trouble nor causes trouble to another. A
 Stoic, then? How can he be globular, as Varro Author or Saturae Menippeae (now lost), which no doubt burlesqued the Stoic
 perfect man, totus teres atque
 rotundus. says, without a head or any other projection?
 There is in him something of the Stoic god, as I can see
 now: he has neither heart nor head. Upon my word, if he had asked this boon from
 Saturn, he would not have got it, though he kept up Saturn's feast all the year
 round, a truly Saturnalian prince. A likely thing he will get it from Jove, whom
 he condemned for incest as far as in him lay: Because Juno
 was et soror et coniunx. for he killed his
 son-in-law Silanus, because Silanus had a sister, a most charming girl, called
 Venus by all the world, and he preferred to call her Juno. Why, says he, I want
 to know why, his own sister? Read your books, stupid: you may go half-way at
 Athens, the whole way at Alexandria. Marriage with a half-sister was
 allowed at Athens; the Egyptian royal family married brother and
 sister. Because the mice lick meal Another proverb of uncertain
 meaning; probably because people like nice things at Rome, as they do
 everywhere. at Rome, you say. Is this creature to mend
 our crooked ways? What goes on in his own closet he knows not; Perhaps
 alluding to a mock marriage of Silius and Messalina. and now he
 searches the regions of the sky, wants to be a god. Is it not enough that he has
 a temple in Britain, that savages worship him and pray to him as a god, so that
 they may find a fool Again μωροῦ for
 θεοῦ as in ch. 6. to have mercy
 upon them? At last it came into Jove's head, that while
 strangers were in the House it was not lawful to speak or debate. My lords and gentlemen, said he, I gave you leave to ask
 questions, and you have made a regular farmyard Proverb: meaning
 unknown. of the place. Be so good as to keep the rules of the House. What
 will this- person think of us, whoever he is? So Claudius was led out,
 and the first to be asked his opinion was Father Janus: he had been made consul
 elect for the afternoon of the next first of July, Perhaps an allusion to the
 shortening of the consul's term, which was done to give more candidates a chance
 of the honour. being as shrewd a man as you could find on a summer's day:
 for he could see, as they say, before and behind. Il. iii, 109; alluding here
 to Janus's double face. He made an eloquent harangue,
 because his life was passed in the forum, but too fast for the notary to take down.
 That is why I give no full report of it, for I don't want to change the words he
 used. He said a great deal of the majesty of the gods, and how the honour ought not
 to be given away to every Tom, Dick, or Harry. Once, said he, it was a great thing to become a god; now you have made
 it a farce. No one knows what this phrase really means. Cic. Att. i,
 16 13 has fabam mimtum, which makes it likely
 that there should be the same reading here; but as the meaning is so uncertain
 it seems best not to alter the text. Therefore, that you may not think I
 am speaking against one person instead of the general custom, I propose that from
 this day forward the godhead be given to none of those who eat the fruits of the
 earth, or whom mother earth doth nourish. Il. vi, 142 and other phrases. 
 After this bill has been read a third time, whosoever is made, said, or portrayed to
 be god, I vote he be delivered over to the bogies, and at the next public show be
 flogged with a birch amongst the new gladiators." Part of the training. 
 The next to be asked was Diespiter, son of Vica Pota, he also being consul elect,
 and a moneylender; Apparently sometimes identified with Pluto, Dis. by
 this trade he made a living, used to sell rights of citizenship in a small way.
 Hercules trips me up to him daintily, and tweaks him by the ear. So he uttered his
 opinion in these words: Inasmuch as the blessed Claudius is akin to the
 blessed Augustus, and also to the blessed Augusta, his grandmother, whom he
 ordered to be made a goddess, and whereas he far surpasses all mortal men in
 wisdom, and seeing that it is for the public good that there be some one able to
 join Romulus in devouring boiled turnips, A quotation from some unknown
 poet. Martial speaks of Romulus eating turnips, xiii, 16. I propose
 that from this day forth blessed Claudius be a god, to enjoy that honour with
 all its appurtenances in as full a degree as any other before him, and that a
 note to that effect be added to Ovid's Metamorphoses. The meeting was
 divided, and it looked as though Claudius was to win the day. For
 Hercules saw his iron was in the fire, trotted here and trotted there, saying,
 Don't deny me; I make a point of the matter. I'll do as much for you
 again, when you like; you roll my log, and I'll roll yours: one hand washes
 another. Then arose the blessed Augustus, when his turn
 came, and spoke with much eloquence. The speech seems to contain a parody of
 Augustus's style and sayings. 
 I call you to witness, my lords and gentlemen, said he, " that since
 the day I was made a god I have never uttered one word. I always mind my own
 business. But now I can keep on the mask no longer, nor conceal the sorrow which
 shame makes all the greater. Is it for this I have made peace by land and sea? For
 this have I calmed intestine wars? For this, laid a firm foundation of law for Rome,
 adorned it with buildings, and all that—gentlemen, words fail me; there
 are none can rise to the height of my indignation. I must borrow that saying of the
 eloquent Messala Corvinus, I am ashamed of my authority. M. Valerius Messalas
 Corvinus, appointed praefectus urbi, resigned within a week. This man, my
 lords, who looks as though he could not worry a fly, used to chop off heads as
 easily as a dog sits down. But why should I speak of all those men, and such men?
 There is no time to lament for public disasters, when one has so many private
 sorrows to think of. I leave that, therefore, and say only this; for even if my
 sister knows no Greek, I do: The knee is nearer than the shin. A proverb, like
 Charity begins at home. The reading of the passage is
 uncertain; sister" is only a conjecture, and it is hard to see why his sister
 should be mentioned. This man you see, who for so many 
 years has been masquerading under my name, has done me the favour of murdering two
 Julias, greatgranddaughters of mine, one by cold steel and one by starvation; and
 one great-grandson, L. Silanus. See, Jupiter, whether in a bad cause (at least it is
 your own) you will be fair. Come tell me, blessed Claudius, why of all those you
 killed, both men and women, without a hearing, why you did not hear their side of
 the case first, before putting them to death? Where do we find that custom? It is
 not done in heaven. Look at Jupiter: all these years he has been king, and never did more than once to break Vulcan's
 leg, Whom seizing by the foot he cast from the threshold of the sky,' Iliad i, 591 and once he fell in a rage with his wife and
 strung her up: did he do any killing? You killed Messalina, whose great-uncle I was
 no less than yours. 'I don't know,' did you say? Curse you! that is just it: not to
 know was worse than to kill. Caligula he went on persecuting even when he was dead.
 Caligula murdered his father-in-law, Claudius his son-in-law to boot. Caligula would
 not have Crassus' son called Great; Claudius gave him his name back, and took away
 his head. In one family he destroyed Crassus, Magnus, Scribonia, the Tristionias,
 Assario, noble though they were; Crassus indeed such a fool that he might have been
 emperor. Is this he you want now to make a god? Look at his body, born under the
 wrath of heaven! In fine, let him say as many as three words quickly, and he may
 have me for a slave. God! who will worship this god, who will believe him? While you
 make gods of such as he, no one will believe you to be gods. To be brief, my lords:
 if I have lived honourably among you, if I have never given plain
 speech to any, avenge my wrongs. This is my motion": then he read out his amendment,
 which he had committed to writing: Inasmuch as the blessed Claudius murdered
 his father-in-law Appius Silanus, his two sons-in-law, Pompeius Magnus and L.
 Silanus, Crassus Frugi his daughter's father-in-law, as like him as two eggs in
 a basket, Scribonia his daughter's mother-in-law, his wife Messalina, and others
 too numerous to mention; I propose that strong measures be taken against him,
 that he be allowed no delay of process, that immediate sentence of banishment be
 passed on him, that he be deported from heaven within thirty days, and from
 Olympus within thirty hours. A division was taken upon this without further debate. Not a moment was lost: Mercury
 got a grip of his throat, and haled him to the lower regions, to that bourne from
 which they say no traveller returns." Catullus iii, 12. As they passed downwards along the Sacred Way,
 Mercury asked what was that great concourse of men? could it be Claudius' funeral?
 It was certainly a most gorgeous spectacle, got up regardless of expense, clear it
 was that a god was being borne to the grave: tootling of flutes, roaring of horns,
 an immense brass band of all sorts, such a din that even Claudius could hear it. Joy
 and rejoicing on every side, the Roman people walking about like free men. Agatho
 and a few pettifoggers were weeping for grief, and for once in a way they meant it.
 The Barristers were crawling out of their dark corners, pale and thin, with hardly a
 breath in their bodies, as though just coming to life again. One of them when he saw
 the pettifoggers putting their heads together, and lamenting
 their sad lot, up comes he and says: Did not I tell you the Saturnalia could
 not last for ever? When Claudius saw his own funeral train, he realized that he was dead. For they were
 chanting his dirge in anapaests, with much mopping and mouthing: "Pour forth your laments, your sorrow declare, Let the sounds of grief rise high in the air: For he that is dead had a wit most keen, Was bravest of all that on earth have been. Racehorses are nothing to his swift feet: Rebellious Parthians he did defeat; Swift after the Persians his light shafts go: For he well knew how to fit arrow to bow, Swiftly the striped barbarians fled: With one little wound he shot them dead. And the Britons beyond in their unknown seas, Blue-shielded Brigantians too, all these He chained by the neck as the Romans' slaves. He terrified Ocean with all his waves, Made fear a new master to lay down the law. O weep for the man! This world never saw One quicker a troublesome suit to decide, When only one part of the case had been tried, (He could do it indeed and not hear either side). Who'll now sit in judgment the whole year round? Now he that is judge of the shades underground Once ruler of fivescore cities in Crete, Must yield to his better and take a back seat. Mourn, mourn, pettifoggers, ye venal crew, And you, minor poets, woe, woe is to you! And you above all, who get rich quick By the rattle of dice and the three card trick." Claudius was charmed to hear his own praises sung,
 and would have stayed longer to see the show. But the Talthybius Talthybius was
 a herald, and nuntius is obviously a gloss on this. He
 means Mercury. of the gods laid a hand on him, and led him across the
 Campus Martius, first wrapping his head up close that no one might know him, until
 betwixt Tiber and the Subway he went down to the lower regions. His freedman
 Narcissus had gone down before him by a short cut, ready to welcome his master. Out
 he comes to meet him, smooth and shining (he had just left the bath), and says
 he: What make the gods among mortals? 
 Look alive, says Mercury, go and tell them we are
 coming. Away he flew, quicker than tongue can tell it. It is easy going by
 that road, all down hill. So although Claudius had a touch of the gout, in a trice
 they were come to Dis's door. There lay Cerberus, or, as Horace puts it, the
 hundred-headed monster. Odes ii, 13, 35 Claudius was a trifle perturbed
 (it was a little white bitch he used to keep for a pet) when he spied this black
 shag-haired hound, not at all the kind of thing you could wish to meet in the dark.
 In a loud voice he cried, Claudius is coming! All marched before him
 singing, The lost is found, O let us rejoice together! With a
 slight change, a cry used in the worship of Osiris. Here were found C.
 Silius consul elect, Juncus the ex-praetor, Sextus Traulus, M. Helvius, Trogus, Cotta, Vettius Valens, Fabius, Roman Knights whom Narcissus
 had ordered for execution. In the midst of this chanting company was Mnester the
 mime, whom Claudius for honour's sake had made shorter by a head. The news was soon
 blown about that Claudius had come: to Messalina they throng: first his freedmen,
 Polybius, Myron, Harpocras, Amphaeus, Pheronactus, all sent before him by Claudius
 that he might not be unattended anywhere; next two prefects, Justus Catonius and
 Rufrius Pollius; then his friends, Saturninus Lusius and Pedo Pompeius and Lupus and
 Celer Asinius, these of consular rank; last came his brother's daughter, his
 sister's daughter, sons-in-law, fathers and mothers-in-law, the whole family in
 fact. In a body they came to meet Claudius; and when Claudius saw them, he
 exclaimed, Friends everywhere, on my word! How came you all here? To
 this Pedo Pompeius answered, "What, cruel man? How came we here? Who but you sent
 us, you, the murderer of all the friends that ever you had? To court with you! I'll
 show you where their lordships sit.' Pedo brings him before the judgement seat of
 Aeacus, who was holding court under the Lex Cornelia to try cases of murder and
 assassination. Pedo requests the judge to take the prisoner's name, and produces a
 summons with this charge: Senators killed, 35; Roman Knights, 221; others as the
 sands of the seashore for multitude. Claudius finds no counsel. At Ii. ix,
 385 length out steps P. Petronius, an old chum of his, a finished scholar in
 the Claudian tongue, and claimed a remand. Not granted. Pedo Pompeius prosecutes
 with loud outcry. The counsel for the defence tries to reply; but Aeacus, who is the
 soul of justice, will not have it. Aeacus hears the case against
 Claudius, refuses to hear the other side and passes sentence against him, quoting
 the line: As he did, so be he done by, this is justice undefiled. A proverbial line. A great silence fell. Not a soul but was stupefied at this new way of
 managing matters; they had never known anything like it before. It was no new thing
 to Claudius, yet he thought it unfair. There was a long discussion as to the
 punishment he ought to endure. Some said that Sisyphus had done his job of porterage
 long enough; Tantalus would be dying of thirst, if he were not relieved; the drag
 must be put at last on wretched Ixion's wheel. But it was determined not to let off
 any of the old stagers, lest Claudius should dare to hope for any such relief. It
 was agreed that some new punishment must be devised: they must devise some new task,
 something senseless, to suggest some craving without result. Then Aeacus decreed he
 should rattle dice for ever in a box with no bottom. At once the poor wretch began
 his fruitless task of hunting for the dice, which for ever slipped from his
 fingers.