Dramatis Personae THEUROPIDES, a merchant of . SIMO, an aged Athenian, his neighbour. PHILOLACHES, son of Theuropides. CALLIDAMATES, a young Athenian, friend of Philolaches TRANIO, servant of Philolaches. GRUMIO, servant of Theuropides. PHANISCUS, servant of Callidamates. ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates. A BANKER. A BOY. PHILEMATIUM, a music-girl, mistress of Phiolaches. SCAPHA, her attendant. DELPHIUM, mistress of Callidamates. (Scene— Athens ; before the houses of THEUROPIDES and SIMO.) THE SUBJECT.
 WHILE Theuropides is absent from home on business, his son Philolaches leads a dissolute life at home with his friend Callidamates and his own servant Tranio While they are in the midst of their carousals, the father of Philolaches unexpectedly arrives at Athens . Their first impulse is to leave the house immediately, but, Callidamates being in a state of helpless intoxication, they are prevented from so doing. In this dilemma, Tranio undertakes to rescue them. He requests them to remain perfectly quiet in the house, and not to stir out of it. The house is then shut up, and he sallies forth to meet Theuropides. He pretends to him that the house has been shut up for some months past, in consequence of its being haunted. In the midst of the conversation, he is accosted by a Banker, who duns him for the interest of some money which Philolaches has borrowed of him for the purpose of procuring the freedom of Philematium, his mistress. Theuropides enquires what the money was borrowed for, on which Tranio says that Philolaches has purchased a house with it. On Theuropides making further enquiries, Tranio says that he has bought the house in which Simo is living. On this, Theuropides wishes to examine this new purchase, and sends Tranio to request Simo to allow him to do so, if not inconvenient. Tranio obtains the permission, Simo being ignorant of the object, and they go over the house, Theuropides being much pleased with his son’s bargain. Tranio is then sent by Theuropides into the country to fetch Philolaches thence, he having pretended that he is there. Shortly after, a servant of Callidamates comes to the house that is shut up to fetch his master home. Theuropides questions him, and then finds out the deception that has been practised upon him; and on receiving further information from Simo, who declares that he has not sold his own house, he resolves to punish Tranio. The latter, on finding this to be the case, runs to an altar for refuge. Callidamates, who is now sober, and has got out of the house by the back-gate, now makes his appearance, and, at his earnest intercession, pardon is granted by Theuropides to Philolaches and Tranio. THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT. [Supposed to have been written by Priscian the Grammarian.] PHILOLACHES has given liberty to ( Manumisit ) his mistress who has been bought by him, and he consumes all ( Omnem ) his substance in the absence of his father. When he returns, Tranio deceives the old man ( Senem ); he says that frightful ( Terrifica ) apparitions have been seen in the house, and ( Et ) that at once they had removed from it. A Usurer, greedy of gain ( Lucripeta ), comes up in the meantime, asking for the interest of some money, and again the old man is made sport of ( Lusus ); for the servant says that a deposit for a house which has been bought has been taken up ( Acceptum ) on loan. The old man enquires ( Requirit ) which it is; he says that of the neighbour next door. He then looks over ( Inspectat ) it. Afterwards he is vexed that he has been laughed at; still by ( Ab ) the companion of his son he is finally appeased. (Enter, from the house of THEUROPIDES, GRUMIO, pushing out TRANIO. Title Mostellaria : This is a word probably derived from mostellum, the diminutive of monstrum, a spectre or prodigy. It was probably coined by Plautus to serve as the title of this Play, which is called by several of the ancient Commentators by the name of Phasma, the Apparition. GRUMIO Get out of the kitchen, will you; out of it, you whip-scoundrel, who are giving me your cavilling talk amid the platters; march out of the house, you ruin of your master. Upon my faith, if I only live, I’ll be soundly revenged upon you in the country. Get out, I say, you steam of the kitchen. Why are you skulking thus? TRANIO Why the plague are you making this noise here before the house? Do you fancy yourself to be in the country In the country : Grumio appears to have been cook and herdsman combined, and perhaps generally employed at the country farm of Theuropides. On this occasion he seems to have been summoned to town to cook for the entertainment which Philolaches is giving to his friends. ? Get out of the house; be off into the country. Go and hang yourself. Get away from the door. (Striking him.) There now, was it that you wanted? GRUMIO (running away.) I’m undone! Why are you beating me? TRANIO Because you want it. GRUMIO I must endure it. Only let the old gentleman return home; only let him come safe home, whom you are devouring in his absence. TRANIO You don’t say what’s either likely or true, you blockhead, as to any one devouring a person in his absence. GRUMIO Indeed, you town wit, you minion of the mob, do you throw the country in my teeth? Really, Tranio, I do believe that you feel sure that before long you’ll be handed over to the mill. Within a short period, i’ faith, Tranio, you’ll full soon be adding to the iron-bound race The iron-bound race : The gang of slaves, who, for their malpractices, are working in the country in chains. in the country. While you choose to, and have the opportunity, drink on, squander his property, corrupt my master’s son, a most worthy young man, drink night and day, live like Greeks Live like Greeks : Pergraecamini. Though the Scene is at Athens , Plautus consults the taste of a Roman Audience, as on many other occasions, in making the Greeks the patterns of riotous livers. Asconius Pedianus says that at these entertainments the Greeks drank off a cup of wine every tune they named a Divinity or mentioned a friend. , make purchase of mistresses, give them their freedom, feed parasites, feast yourselves sumptuously. Was it thus that the old gentleman enjoined you when he went hence abroad? Is it after this fashion that he will find his property well husbanded? Do you suppose that this is the duty of a good servant, to be ruining both the estate and the son of his master? For I do consider him as ruined, when he devotes himself to these goings on. A person, with whom not one of all the young men of Attica was before deemed equally frugal or more steady, the same is now carrying off the palm in the opposite direction. Through your management and your tutoring has that been done. TRANIO What the plague business have you with me or with what I do? Prithee, haven’t you got your cattle in the country for you to look to? I choose to drink, to intrigue, to keep my wenches; this I do at the peril of my own back, and not of yours GRUMIO Then with what assurance he does talk! (Turning away in disgust.) Faugh! TRANIO But may Jupiter and all the Deities confound you; you stink of garlick, you filth unmistakeable, you clod, you he-goat, you pig-sty, you mixture of dog and she-goat. GRUMIO What would you have to be done? It isn’t all that can smell of foreign perfumes, if you smell of them; or that can take their places at table above their master, or live on such exquisite dainties as you live upon. Do you keep to yourself those turtle-doves, that fish, and poultry; let me enjoy my lot upon garlick diet. You are fortunate; I unlucky. It must be endured. Let my good fortune be awaiting me, your bad yourself. TRANIO You seem, Grumio, as though you envied me, because I enjoy myself and you are wretched. It is quite my due. It’s proper for me to make love, and for you to feed the cattle; for me to fare handsomely, you in a miserable way. GRUMIO O riddle for the executioner Riddle for the executioner : Riddled with holes by the scourge of the executioner. , as I guess it will turn out; they’ll be so pinking you with goads, as you carry your gibbet You carry your gibbet : Bearing his own cross; a refinement of torture which was too often employed upon malefactors. along the streets one day, as soon as ever the old gentleman returns here. TRANIO How do you know whether that mayn’t happen to yourself sooner than to me? GRUMIO Because I have never deserved it; you have deserved it, and you now deserve it. TRANIO Do cut short the trouble of your talking, unless you wish a heavy mischance to befall you. GRUMIO Are you going to give me the tares for me to take for the cattle? If you are not, give me the money. Go on, still persist in the way in which you’ve commenced! Drink, live like Greeks,