If perchance you were to see your husband reclining, if you beheld him with a garland on, caressing a mistress, could you recognize him? ARTEMONA I’ troth, I could. A PARASITE (points to the other end of the stage.) Then there’s your man. ARTEMONA (moving stealthily forward with the PARASITE.) I’m undone. A PARASITE Stay a little. Let’s observe in private, from ambush, what business they are about. ARGYRIPPUS What end will you put to your caresses, father? DEMAENETUS I confess, my son— ARGYRIPPUS What do you confess? DEMAENETUS That I’m utterly undone with love for her. A PARASITE (to ARTEMONA.) Do you hear what he says? ARTEMONA I hear. DEMAENETUS (to PHILENIUM.) Ought I not to filch the mantle from my wife at home, which she is so fond of, and bring it to you? Though my wife’s life should last a whole year in consequence, by my troth I could not be dissuaded from doing so. A PARASITE (to ARTEMONA.) Do you suppose that he has been accustomed to frequent a brothel to-day for the first time? ARTEMONA Upon my faith, it was he that was pilfering me; whereas I was suspecting my maid-servants, and was tormenting the wretched creatures who were innocent all the while. ARGYRIPPUS Father, bid him pour out some wine; ’tis a long time since I drank first Since I drank first : They probably took the first draught each in his turn. Argyrippus tells his father that he is dry, and that it is a long time since he had the first draught. . DEMAENETUS (to the SERVANT.) Begin, boy, from the top From the top : We are to suppose that the three are reclining or one triclinium, or couch. Argyrippus lies at the top, his father below him, and Philenium the lowest, with her head reclining on the old man’s breast. . (To PHILENIUM.) Come, do you meanwhile from below give me a kiss. (Kisses her.) ARTEMONA (to the PARASITE.) Wretch that I am, I’m undone! How the villain, the garnishing of a bier Of a bier : Capulus was another name of the lectica or feretrum, on which the corpse was carried to the funeral pile. In the case of rich people, the capuli were sometimes made of ivory, and covered with gold and purple. , is kissing away. DEMAENETUS A breath, by my faith, somewhat sweeter than that of my wife. PHILENIUM Tell me, there’s a dear, does the breath of your wife smell bad? DEMAENETUS I’d prefer to drink bilge-water, if it were necessary, rather than kiss her. ARTEMONA (apart.) Aye, pray, how say you? By my troth, to your own great detriment, you’ve surely said that against me. Never mind; only de you come home, I’ll let you know what danger there is in speaking abusively against a wife with a dowry. PHILENIUM By heavens, you are a wretch. ARTEMONA (apart.) I’ faith, he’s deserving so to be. ARGYRIPPUS How say you, father? (Takes a draught in the meanwhile.) Don’t you love my mother? DEMAENETUS Who—I? I love her just now, because she isn’t present. ARGYRIPPUS How, when she is present? DEMAENETUS Then, I wish she was dead.