HERMES

But here’s an august personage, to judge by his appearance, and a proud man. Who can he be, with his haughty eyebrows, thoughtful mien, and bushy beard?

MENIPPUS

A Philosopher, Hermes, or rather an impostor, full of talk of marvels. Strip him too, and you’ll see many amusing things covered up under his cloak.

HERMES

You there, off first with your clothes, and then with all this here. Ye gods, what hypocrisy he carries, what ignorance, contentiousness, vanity, unanswerable puzzles, thorny argumentations, and complicated conceptions—yes, and plenty of wasted effort, and no little nonsense, and idle talk, and splitting of hairs, and, good heavens, here’s gold too, and soft living, shamelessness, temper, luxury, and effeminacy! I can see them, however much you try to hide them. Away with your falsehood too, and your pride, and notions of your superiority over the rest of men. If you came on board with all these, not even a battleship would be big enough for you.

PHILOSOPHER

Then I take them off, since these are your orders.

MENIPPUS

But he ought to take off that beard as well, Hermes; it’s heavy and shaggy, as you can see. He has at least five pounds of hair there.

HERMES

Well spoken. Off with that too.

PHILOSOPHER

Who will be my barber?

HERMES

Menippus here will take a shipwright’s axe and cut it off; he can use the gangway as his block.

MENIPPUS

No, Hermes, pass me up a saw. That’ll be better fun.

HERMES

The axe will do well enough. That’s fine. You look more human, now that you’ve lost that goat’s beard of yours.

MENIPPUS

Shall I take a little off his eyebrows as well?

HERMES

By all means; he has them rising high over his forehead, as he strains after something or other. What’s this? Crying, you scum? Afraid to face death? Get in with you.

MENIPPUS

He still has the heaviest thing of all under his arm.

HERMES

What, Menippus?

MENIPPUS

Flattery, Hermes, which was often most useful to him in life.

PHILOSOPHER

What about you then, Menippus? Off with your independence, plain speaking, cheerfulness, noble bearing, and laughter. You’re the only one that laughs.

HERMES

Do nothing of the sort, but keep them, Menippus; they’re light and easy to carry, and useful for the voyage.

HERMES

But you, Rhetorician, throw away your endless loquacity, your antitheses, balanced clauses, periods, foreign phrases, and everything else that makes your speeches so heavy.

RHETORICIAN

Look, away they go.

HERMES

Good. Loose the hawsers, then, let’s pull in the gangway, raise anchor and spread the sail, and you, Charon, take the rudder and see to the steering, and good luck to us.

HERMES

Why are you groaning like that, you fools, and you, in particular, the Philosopher just despoiled of the beard?

PHILOSOPHER

Because, Hermes, I thought my soul was immortal.

MENIPPUS

He’s lying; something else seems to be grieving him.

HERMES

What?

MENIPPUS

That he’ll have no more expensive dinners, or go out at night, unknown to all, with his cloak wrapped over his head, and go the round of the brothels, and never again take money next morning for cheating the young men with his show of wisdom. That’s what grieves him.

PHILOSOPHER

Aren’t you sorry to die yourself, Menippus?

MENIPPUS

How so, when I was eager for death According to Diogenes Laertius, VI. 100, Menippus hanged himself. and needed no invitation?