DIOGENES My dear Pollux, I have some instructions for you
as soon as you go up top. It’s your turn for resurrection
to-morrow, I believe. If you see Menippus,
the Dog
 A nickname for a Cynic Philosopher. 
 , anywhere (you’ll find him in Corinth at
the Craneum or in the Lyceum at Athens, laughing
at the Philosophers wrangling with each other), tell
him this from me. “Diogenes bids you, Menippus,
if you’ve laughed enough at the things on the earth
above, come down here, if you want much more to
laugh at; for on earth your laughter was fraught
with uncertainty, and people often wondered
whether anyone at all was quite sure about what
follows death, but here you’ll be able to laugh
endlessly without any doubts, as I do now—and
particularly when you see rich men, satraps and
tyrants so humble and insignificant, with nothing to
distinguish them but their groans, and see them to
be weak and contemptible when they recall their life
above.” That’s the message you’ve to give him and
one further thing—that he’s to come here with his
wallet filled with lots of lupines and any meals
dedicated to Hecate he finds at cross-roads, or eggs
from sacrifices of purification, or anything of the sort. POLLUX I’ll deliver your message, Diogenes. But if I could
have precise information about his appearance— DIOGENES He’s old and bald, with a decrepit cloak full of
windows and open to every wind, a motley of flapping
rags; he’s always laughing and Generally
mocking those hypocritical Philosophers. POLLUX If we judge from these details at any rate, he
should be easy to find. DIOGENES May I send a piece of advice to these Philosophers
also? POLLUX Yes; no difficulty with that either. DIOGENES Pass on a brief message to them to stop their
foolish talk and their bickering about the universe,
and making each other grow horns,
 Philosophers’ quibbles. Cf. Quintilian, I, 10, 5. For (1) vide Gellius, 18, 2, 8. “What you have not lost, you have; you have not lost horns; therefore you have horns.” For (2) cf. Philosophies for Sale 22, “Suppose that a crocodile seizes your child . . . but promises to give it back, if you tell the crocodile correctly what it intends to do with the child; what answer will you give?” 
 and composing
puzzles about crocodiles,
 See previous note. 
 and teaching the human
mind to ask such insoluble riddles. POLLUX But they say I’m an uneducated ignoramus to cast
aspersions on their wisdom. DIOGENES You tell them from me to go to the devil. POLLUX I’ll give this message too, Diogenes. DIOGENES And take this message to the rich men from us, my dearest Pollux. “Why do you guard your gold, you senseless fools? Why do you punish yourselves, counting interest, and piling talents on talents, when you must come here shortly with no more than a penny?”
 The obol put in the mouth of a corpse as Charon’s fare. 
 POLLUX They shall have this message too. DIOGENES Yes, and say to the men who are handsome and strong like Megillus of Corinth and Damoxenus the wrestler, “Here with us are no golden locks or blue eyes or dark eyes, or rosy cheek, no well-strung sinews or sturdy shoulders—all with us, to quote the proverb, is one and the same dust, skulls bereft of good looks.” POLLUX Another easy message for me to give—to the handsome and strong. DIOGENES And tell the poor, my Spartan friend, who are many, displeased with life and pitying themselves
 


for their poverty, not to cry and moan; describe to
them our equality here, telling them how they’ll see
the rich on earth no better here than they are themselves.
And tell your own Spartans off from me, if
you will, for having become so slack. POLLUX Not a word to me about Spartans, Diogenes; I
won’t tolerate that. But I’ll deliver your messages
to all the others. DIOGENES Let’s forget about the Spartans, since that’s your
wish, but be sure to give my messages to the people
I mentioned earlier on.