Well, perhaps people in Egypt do not know you,
who received you when, after those marvellous performances of yours in Syria, you went into exile for
the reasons which I have mentioned, pursued by the
clothiers, from whom you had bought costly garments
and in that way obtained your expense-money for the
journey. But Alexandria knows you to be guilty of
offences just as bad, and should not have been ranked
second to Antioch. No, your wantonness there was
more open and your licentiousness more insane, your


 

reputation for these things was greater, and your
head was uncloaked under all circumstances. Cf. Petronius, 7: operui caput. 
 
There is only one person who would have believed
you if you denied having done anything of the sort,
and would have come to your assistance—your latest
employer, one of the first gentlemen of Rome. The
name itself you will allow me to withhold, especially
in addressing people who all know whom I mean.
As to all the liberties taken by you while you were
with him that he tolerated, why should I speak of
them? But when he found you in the company of
his young cup-bearer Oenopion,—what do you think?
Would he have believed you? Not unless he was
completely blind. No, he made his opinion evident by
driving you out of his house at once, and indeed conducting a lustration, they say, after your departure.
 
And certainly Greece as well as Italy is completely
filled with-your doings, and your reputation for them,
and I wish you joy of your fame! . Consequently, to
those who marvel at what you are now doing in
Ephesus, I say (and it is true as can be) that they
would not wonder if they knew your early performances. Yet you have learned something new here
having to do with women.
 
Does it not, then, fit such a man to a hair to call him
nefandous? But why in the name of Zeus should you
take it upon yourselfto kiss us after such performances?
In so doing you behave very offensively, especially
to those who ought least of all to be so treated, your
pupils, for whom it would have been enough to get
only those other horrid boons from your lips—barbarity of language, harshness of voice, indistinctness,


 

confusedness, complete tunelessness, and the like,
but to kiss you—forfend it, Averter of Ill! Better
kiss an asp or a viper; then the risk is a bite and a
pain which the doctor cures when you call him. But
from the venom of your kiss, who could approach
victims or altars? What god would listen to one’s
prayer? How many bowls of holy water, how many
rivers are required?
 
And you, who are of that sort, laughed at others in
the matter of words and phrases, when you were doing
such terrible deeds! For my part, had I not known
the word nefandous, I should have been ashamed, so
far am I from denying that I used it. In your own
case, none of us criticised you for saying “bromologous” and “tropomasthletes” and “to rhesimeter,” and “Athenio,” and “anthocracy” and
“sphendicise” and “‘cheiroblime.” Except for rhesimeter (to speak for a measured time, as in court), which Lucian’s Lexiphanes uses (Lez., 9), these words are found only here. Their meaning is: bromologous: stench-mouthed. tropomasthletes: oily-mannered fellows. athenio: to yearn for Athens. anthocracy: apparently, rule of the “flower”; i.e., the select few. sphendicise: to sling, very likely in the sense, to throw. cheiroblime: to handle. May Hermes,
Lord of Language, blot you out miserably, language
and all, for the miserable wretch that you are!
Where in literature do you find these treasures?
Perhaps buried somewhere in the closet of some
composer of dirges, full of mildew and spiders’ webs,
or from the Tablets of Philaenis, The Tablets of Philaenis are frequently mentioned as an ars amatoria. An epigram by Aeschrion (Anth. Pal., VII, 345) says that it was not written by the woman whose name it bore, but by the sophist Polycrates. The book is therefore of the time of Polycrates, the beginning of the fourth century B.C. which you keep in
hand. For you, however, and for your lips they are
quite good enough.




 
 
Now that I have mentioned lips, what would you
say if your tongue, summoning you to court, let us
suppose, should prosecute you on a charge of injury
and at the mildest, assault, saying: “Ingrate, I took
you under my protection when you were poor and
hard up and destitute of support, and first of all I
made you successful in the theatre, making you now
Ninus, now Metiochus, and then presently Achilles As Ninus, the legendary king of Assyria, he supported a dancer in the role of Semiramis, enacting a plot presumably based on the Greek Ninus Romance (text and translation of the fragments in 8. Gaselee, Daphnis and Chloe [L.C.L.];_ cf. R. M. Rattenbury, New Chapters in the Hist. of Greek Lit., III, pp. 211-223). Opposite to his Metiochus the Phrygian, the dancer played Parthenope; see The Dance, §1. His Achilles was very likely that hero on Scyros, disguised as a girl, with the dancer taking the part of the king’s daughter whom he beguiled, Deidameia; cf. p. 257. 
After that, when you taught boys to spell, I kept you
for a long time; and wien at length you took to
delivering these speeches of yours, composed by other
people, I caused you to be considered a sophist,
attaching to you a reputation which had nothing at
all to do with you. What charge, then, have you to
bring against me, so great that you treat me in this
way, imposing disgraceful tasks and abominable
services? Are not my daily tasks enough, lying,
committing perjury, ladling out such an amount of
silliness and twaddle, or (I should say) spewing out
the nastiness of those speeches? Even at night you
do not allow me, unlucky that I am, to take my rest,
but unaided I do everything for you, am abused,
defiled, treated deliberately like a hand rather than
a tongue, insulted as if I were nothing to you, overwhelmed with so many injuries. My only function
is to talk; other parts have been commissioned to do
such things as those. Oh if only someone had cut
me out, like the tongue of Philomela. More blessed



 

in my sight are the tongues of parents who have eaten
their children!”