As to Epicurus, quite shamelessly filching the end of Parasitic, he makes it the end of his conception of happiness. That the thing is plagiarism, and that pleasure does not concern Epicurus at all, but does concern the parasite, you can assure yourself from this line of reasoning. I for'my part consider that pleasure is first of all the freedom of the flesh from discomfort, and secondly, not having the spirit full of turbulence and commotion. Now then, each of these things is attained by the parasite, but neither by Epicurus. For with his inquiries about the shape of the earth, the infinitude of the universe, the magnitude of the sun, distances in space, primal elements, and whether the gods exist or not, and with his continual strife and bickering with certain persons about the end itself, he is involved not only in the troubles of man but in those of the universe. The parasite, however, thinking that everything is all right and thoroughly convinced it would not be any better if it were other than as it is, eats and sleeps in great peace and comfort, with nothing of that sort annoying him, flat on his back, with his arms and legs flung out, like Odysseus sailing home from Scheria.

Cf. Odyssey13, 79, and92.

Again, it is not only in this way that pleasure is foreign to Kpicurus, but in another way. This Epicurus, whoever the learned gentleman is, either has or has not his daily bread. Now if he has not, it is not a question of living a life of pleasure; he will not even live! But if he has, he gets it either from his own larder or that of someone else. Now if he gets his daily bread from someone else, he is a parasite and not what he calls himself; but if he gets it from his own larder, he will not lead a life of pleasure.

TYCHIADES Why not?

SIMON If he gets his daily bread from his own larder, many are the unpleasantnesses which must needs attend such a life, Tychiades! Just see how many! A man who intends to shape his life by pleasure should satisfy all the desires that arise in him. What do you say to that?

TYCHIADES I agree with you.

SIMON Therefore the man of vast means no doubt has the opportunity of doing so, while the man of little or no means has not; consequently a poor man cannot become an adept or attain the end, that is to say, pleasure. Even the rich man, however, . who through his wealth ministers lavishly to his © desires, cannot attain that. Why? Because quite inevitably, when a man spends his money, he becomes involved in many an unpleasantness, at one moment quarrelling with his cook for preparing the meat badly—or else if he does not quarrel, eating poor food on that account and coming short of his pleasure—and the next moment quarrelling with the man who manages his household affairs, if he does not manage them well. Is not that so?

TYCHIADES Yes, by Zeus, I agree with you.

SIMON Now Epicurus is likely to have all this happen to him, so that he will never reach the end. But the parasite has no cook with whom to lose his temper, nor lands nor house nor money over the loss of which to be vexed, so that he alone can eat and drink without being annoyed by any of the matters which inevitably annoy the rich.

That Parasitic is an art has been well enough demonstrated by means of this argument and the others. It remains to show that it is the best art, and not simply this, but first that it excels all the other arts put together, and then that it excels each of them individually.

It excels all put together for this reason. Every art has to be prefaced by study, hardships, fear and floggings, from which everyone would pray to be delivered. But this art alone, it seems, can be learned without hardships. Who ever went home from a dinner in tears, as we see.some going home from their schools? Who ever set out for a dinner looking gloomy, like those who go to school? I promise you, the parasite goes to dinner of his own accord, with a right good will to exercise his art, while those who are learning the other arts hate them so much that some run away from home on account of them!

Again, should you not note that when pupils make progress in those arts, their fathers and mothers give them as special rewards what they give the parasite every day? ‘“By Zeus, the boy has written nicely,” they say; “give him something to eat!”’ “He has not written correctly; don’t give him anything!” So highly is the thing esteemed, both as a reward and by way of punishment.

Again, the other arts attain to this end late, reaping their harvest of pleasure only after their apprenticeship; for “the road to them leadeth uphill’ and is long.

The quotation is from Hesiod, Works and Days290, and refers to the road that leads to virtue. The scholasticus, the grey-headed student, was a familiar figure; see Lucian’s Hermotimus.

Moreover, the other arts, not merely in certain cases but in every case, have come into existence to provide support and nothing else, while the parasite has his support immediately, as soon as he enters upon his art. Do not you see that while the farmer does not farm for the sake of farming, nor the builder build for the sake of building, the parasite does not aim at something different; his work and its object are one and the same thing.

Everybody knows, too, that those who ply the rest of the arts drudge all the time except one or two days a month which they celebrate as holidays,

The manuscripts add: “and the cities too hold some feasts once a year and others once a month.”