As to Epicurus, quite shamelessly filching the end
of Parasitic, he makes it the end of his conception
of happiness. That the thing is plagiarism, and that
pleasure does not concern Epicurus at all, but does
concern the parasite, you can assure yourself from
this line of reasoning. I for'my part consider that
pleasure is first of all the freedom of the flesh from
discomfort, and secondly, not having the spirit full
of turbulence and commotion. Now then, each of
these things is attained by the parasite, but neither
by Epicurus. For with his inquiries about the shape
of the earth, the infinitude of the universe, the magnitude of the sun, distances in space, primal elements,
and whether the gods exist or not, and with his continual strife and bickering with certain persons about
the end itself, he is involved not only in the troubles

 

of man but in those of the universe. The parasite,
however, thinking that everything is all right and
thoroughly convinced it would not be any better if
it were other than as it is, eats and sleeps in great
peace and comfort, with nothing of that sort annoying him, flat on his back, with his arms and legs
flung out, like Odysseus sailing home from Scheria. Cf. Odyssey13, 79, and92. 

 
Again, it is not only in this way that pleasure
is foreign to Kpicurus, but in another way. This
Epicurus, whoever the learned gentleman is, either
has or has not his daily bread. Now if he has not,
it is not a question of living a life of pleasure; he
will not even live! But if he has, he gets it either
from his own larder or that of someone else. Now
if he gets his daily bread from someone else, he is a
parasite and not what he calls himself; but if he
gets it from his own larder, he will not lead a life of
pleasure.
 TYCHIADES 
Why not?
 SIMON 
If he gets his daily bread from his own larder,
many are the unpleasantnesses which must needs
attend such a life, Tychiades! Just see how many!
A man who intends to shape his life by pleasure
should satisfy all the desires that arise in him. What
do you say to that?
 TYCHIADES 
I agree with you.
 SIMON 
Therefore the man of vast means no doubt has
the opportunity of doing so, while the man of
little or no means has not; consequently a poor


 

man cannot become an adept or attain the end, that
is to say, pleasure. Even the rich man, however, .
who through his wealth ministers lavishly to his ©
desires, cannot attain that. Why? Because quite
inevitably, when a man spends his money, he becomes
involved in many an unpleasantness, at one moment
quarrelling with his cook for preparing the meat
badly—or else if he does not quarrel, eating poor
food on that account and coming short of his
pleasure—and the next moment quarrelling with
the man who manages his household affairs, if he
does not manage them well. Is not that so?
 TYCHIADES 
Yes, by Zeus, I agree with you.
 SIMON 
Now Epicurus is likely to have all this happen to
him, so that he will never reach the end. But the
parasite has no cook with whom to lose his temper,
nor lands nor house nor money over the loss of
which to be vexed, so that he alone can eat and
drink without being annoyed by any of the matters
which inevitably annoy the rich.
 

That Parasitic is an art has been well enough
demonstrated by means of this argument and the
others. It remains to show that it is the best art,
and not simply this, but first that it excels all the
other arts put together, and then that it excels each
of them individually. 
It excels all put together for this reason. Every
art has to be prefaced by study, hardships, fear and

 

floggings, from which everyone would pray to be
delivered. But this art alone, it seems, can be
learned without hardships. Who ever went home
from a dinner in tears, as we see.some going home
from their schools? Who ever set out for a dinner
looking gloomy, like those who go to school? I
promise you, the parasite goes to dinner of his own
accord, with a right good will to exercise his art,
while those who are learning the other arts hate
them so much that some run away from home on
account of them ! 
Again, should you not note that when pupils make
progress in those arts, their fathers and mothers give
them as special rewards what they give the parasite
every day? ‘“By Zeus, the boy has written nicely,”
they say; “give him something to eat!”’ “He has
not written correctly; don’t give him anything!”
So highly is the thing esteemed, both as a reward
and by way of punishment.

 

Again, the other arts attain to this end late,
reaping their harvest of pleasure only after their
apprenticeship; for “the road to them leadeth
uphill’ and is long. The quotation is from Hesiod, Works and Days290, and refers to the road that leads to virtue. The scholasticus, the grey-headed student, was a familiar figure; see Lucian’s Hermotimus. Parasitic alone of them all
derives profit from the art immediately, in the
apprenticeship itself, and no sooner does it begin
than it is at its end. 
Moreover, the other arts, not merely in certain
cases but in every case, have come into existence to
provide support and nothing else, while the parasite
has his support immediately, as soon as he enters
upon his art. Do not you see that while the farmer


 

does not farm for the sake of farming, nor the builder
build for the sake of building, the parasite does not
aim at something different; his work and its object
are one and the same thing.
 

Everybody knows, too, that those who ply the rest
of the arts drudge all the time except one or two
days a month which they celebrate as holidays, The manuscripts add: “and the cities too hold some feasts once a year and others once a month.” and
are said to have their good time then. But the
parasite celebrates thirty holidays a month, for he
thinks that every day belongs to the gods.