ZEUS 
Plague take all philosophers who say that bliss is
to be found only among the gods! If they but
knew all that we endure for the sake of men, they
would not envy us our nectar and ambrosia, putting
their trust in Homer, a blind man and a fraud, who
called us blissful and told about what is in heaven
when he could not even see what is on earth. Here
is an example right at hand: Helius puts his team to
his chariot and traverses the sky all day long, clad in
a garment of fire and resplendent with rays, not even
getting leisure enough to scratch his ear, as they say :
for if he unconsciously relaxes the least bit, his horses
run away, turn out of the road, and burn everything
up. Selene, too, goes about without a wink of sleep,
giving light to night-roisterers and people returning
late from dinners. Apollo, again, has taken up a
very active profession, and has been deafened
almost completely by people besetting him with
requests for prophecies. One moment he has to be
in Delphi; the next, he runs to Colophon; from
there he crosses to Xanthus, and again at full speed

 

to Delos or to Branchidae. In a word, wherever his
prophetess, after drinking from the holy well and
chewing laurel and setting the tripod ashake, bids
him appear, there is no delaying—he must present
himself immediately to reel off his prophecies, or
else it is all up with his reputation in the profession.
I say nothing of the devices they get up to test his
powers of divination, cooking mutton and turtle
together, so that if he had not a good nose, that
Lydian would have gone off laughing at him. Croesus, who got up the device, according to Herodotus, to see which oracle was-the most trustworthy (Herod. 1,46-40. As
for Asclepius, he is pestered by the sick: “Dire
sights he sees, and touches what he loathes, and
in the woes of others finds a crop of sorrow for
himself.” Hippocrates de Flatibus, 1, 6 ; said of the physician. Why should I refer either to the Winds,
that aid the crops and speed the ships on their
courses and blow upon the winnowers, or to Sleep,
that wings his way to everyone, or to Jack-of-dreams,
that keeps vigil all night long with Sleep and serves
as his interpreter? All this work the gods do out
of love for man, each contributing to life on earth.

 

And yet the others are not so badly off in
comparison with myself. I am the monarch and
father of all: but how many discomforts I put up
with and how many bothers I have, distracted as I
am by such a number of things to think of! First,
I must oversee the work of all the other gods who
help me in any way in administering my sovereignty,
in order that they may not be remiss in it. Then
I myself have to do any number of tasks that are
almost impossible to carry out on account of their
minuteness; for it is not to be supposed that I



 

simply manage and direct in person the principal
features of my administration, such as rain, hail, wind,
and lightning, and that then I am through, being
dispensed from thinking of details. No, not only
must I do all that, but I must look in all directions
at the same time and keep an eye on everybody,
just like the herdsman at Nemea, Argus. to see who is
stealing, who is committing perjury, who is offering
sacrifice, whether anybody has poured a drinkoffering, from what quarter the steam and the smoke
of burnt-offerings rise, who has called upon me in
sickness or at sea. What is most laborious of all,
at one and the same moment I must attend the
great sacrifice at Olympia, keep an eye on the armies
at war near Babylon, send hail in the country of the
Getae, and attend a banquet among the Ethiopians.
At that, it is not easy to escape criticism. It often
happens that the others, “the gods and the warriors
crested with horse-tails,” sleep all through the night,
while I, though Zeus, am not “held in the sweetness
of slumber,” Partial paraphrase of Iliad 2, 1-2 for if I drowse off, even for an instant,
Epicurus is instantly confirmed in his assertion that
we exercise no providence over what happens on
earth. And we cannot make light of the danger if
men are going to take his word for this’: our temples
will have no wreaths, our wayside shrines no savoury
steam, our wine-bowls no drink-offerings, our altars
will be cold, and in short there will be general
dearth of sacrifices and oblations, and famine
will be rife. For that reason, like the master of
a ship, I stand by myself high up on the stern with
the tiller in my hands, and everybody else aboard
gets drunk, perhaps, and goes to sleep, whereas I,



 

without closing my eyes or eating, “ponder in heart
and in soul” Iliad2,3, for the benefit of all, rewarded only
by being considered captain.

 
So I should like to
ask the philosophers, who say that only the gods are
happy, when they suppose we really find leisure for
our nectar and our ambrosia in the midst of our
countless bothers.
Now, here is a case in point: for lack of spare
time we are keeping all these stale lawsuits filed
away, already spoiled by mildew and spiders’ webs,
especially those brought against certain persons
by the sciences and the arts—some of these are very
antiquated. What these are becomes clear later (p. 109). People are making an outcry on all
sides and losing patience and hurling reproaches at
Justice.and blaming me for my slowness, not knowing that the hearings have not been postponed,
as it happens, on account of our negligence, but on
account of the bliss in which they imagine we exist :
for that is what they call our press of business.

 HERMES 
I myself hear a great many complaints of that sort
on earth, Zeus, but I did not venture to mention them
to you. Now, however, I shall do so, as you began
the discussion of this topic. They are indeed out of
patience and indignant, father, and although they do
not venture to talk openly, they put their heads
together and grumble, finding fault with the delay.
These men should have known long ago how things
stood with them and should have acquiesced in the
verdict in each case.
 ZEUS 
Well, what do you think, Hermes? Shall we open
a session.of court for them, or do you wish we should
announce it for next year ?



 

 HERMES 
No, indeed ; let us open it now.
 ZEUS 
Do so. Fly down and proclaim that there will be
a session of court under the following regulations.
All who have entered suit are to come to the Areopagus to-day; at that place Justice is to empanel
juries for them out of the entire body of Athenians,
the number of jurymen to depend upon the penalty
involved ; and if anyone thinks that his hearing has
been unjust, he is to be allowed to appeal to me and
have the case tried afresh, just as if it had not been
tried at all. (Zo Justice) Daughter, take your place
beside the Dread Goddesses, The Eumenides, since the trial of Orestes, had an altar on the Areopagus. empanel the juries and
have an eye on the trials.

 JUSTICE 
Back to earth once more, to be driven off by them
and to flee from the world again because I cannot
stand being laughed at by Injustice ?
 ZEUS 
You must be of good hope. Certainly by now the
philosophers have persuaded them to regard you
more highly than Injustice; especially the son of
Sophroniscus, Socrates. who praised just dealing to the skies
and declared it the greatest of blessings.
 JUSTICE 
Truly the very man you mention profited greatly
by his talk about me! He was handed over to the
Eleven, thrown into prison, and drank hemlock, poor
fellow, before he had even paid that cock to



 

Asclepius ; His last words were: “Crito, we owe a cock to Asclepius. Do pay it without fail.” (End of Phaedo). so much the better of the argument had
his accusers, whose philosophy was directly opposed
to his, and favoured Injustice.