What are
your habits of life? Pythagoras I touch no sort of animal food, but
anything else except beans. Buyer What is the reason of that? Perhaps
you dislike beans? Pythagoras Not at all, but they are sacred and
of a marvellous nature. But, what is more important, it is the custom of the Athenians to vote for
officers with beans. Buyer All your remarks are lofty and priestlike. But take off your clothes and let me see
you stripped. Good heavens, his thigh is golden! He seems to be a god, not a mortal. I will
buy him, by all means. How much do you ask
for him? Hermes Two hundred dollars. Buyer I will take him at the price. Zeus Make a note of the buyer's name and
country. Hermes He is an Italian, I should think, from
Croton or Tarentum, or somewhere in Magna
Graecia. But he is not the sole purchaser; almost three hundred clubbed together with him. Zeus Let them take him off. Put
up another. Hermes What do you say to that dirty one from
Pontos? Zeus By all means. Hermes Come here, you with the wallet slung
from your shoulder, and the bare arms. Walk
round the room.
I offer a manly life, a noble and generous life,
a free life! Who buys? Buyer What do you say, salesman? You offer
a free man for sale? Hermes I do. Buyer Then are you not afraid he will sue you
for kidnapping, and bring you before the criminal
court? Hermes He does not mind being sold at all,
for he believes he is free in all circumstances. Buyer What use could one put such a dirty,
ill-conditioned fellow to, unless you set him to
digging or carrying water? Hermes Those are not his only uses. If you
make a hall-porter of him you will find you can
rely on him better than on your dogs; in fact, he
has even the name of a dog. Buyer Where does he come from and what
discipline does he profess? Hermes Ask the man himself; that is the better way. Buyer I am afraid of him, with his sullen, dark


 



look, lest he should bark and spring at me, and
bite me, too, by Zeus! See how he brandishes his
club, and knits his brows, and scowls beneath them
in that threatening, angry way! Hermes Don't be afraid; he is tame. Buyer In the first place, my friend, where are
you from? Diogones Everywhere. Buyer What do you mean? Diogones You see before you a citizen of the
world. Buyer And who is your model?
 Diogones Herakles.
 Buyer Then why don't you wear the lion-skin,
too? You are like him as far as the club goes. Diogones This is my lion-skin, my threadbare
coat. Like him, I make war on pleasures; not
under orders, but of my own will, deliberately
choosing to purify life. Buyer A noble choice! But just what are we
to understand that you know? What art are you
master of? Diogones I am the liberator of mankind and
the physician of their passions; but, above all, I
wish to be the prophet of truth and free speech. Buyer Come, prophet, if I buy you, what training will you put me through? Diogones First, I will take you in hand and strip
you of your luxury, locking you up with poverty


 


and clothing you in a threadbare cloak. Next, I
will drive you to travail and toil, with the ground
for your bed, water for your drink, and for your
food whatever comes along. As for your money,
if you have any, you will carry
it down to the sea
and throw it in, if you will be guided by me, and
you will have no care for wife or child or fatherland; everything of that sort will seem trumpery
to you. You will leave your paternal house, and
take up your dwelling in a tomb, or in a deserted
tower, or even in a tub. Let your wallet be full
of pease and bescribbled books, and in this plight
you will declare yourself happier than the great
king. If any one should flog you or stretch you
on the rack you will feel no pain. Buyer What do you mean by that feeling no
pain when one is flogged? I have not got the
covering of a turtle or a lobster on my shoulders! Diogones You will admire that little saying of
Euripides, with a word or two altered. Buyer What one? Diogones Your heart will suffer, but your tongue
will feel no pain. But the most necessary qualities are these: you must be reckless and daring,
and abuse all alike, kings and subjects. By this
means you will be noticed and thought manly.
Let your speech be uncouth, your voice discordant and strongly resembling a dog's. Wear a
strenuous face, and choose a gait in keeping with
5


 



it; and let all your ways be wild and boorish.
But let shame and reason and moderation stand
afar off, and strip your blushes from your cheeks
altogether. Haunt the most frequented spots,
and even in those let your desire be for unshared
solitude; and attach yourself to neither friend nor
stranger, for that would upset your empire. And
at last, if you see fit, eat a raw polyp or a jelly-fish,
and die. Such is the happiness we procure for you.